_I, I who leaked the words! I, who am repentant! I, I, I who stand before you naked with shame and burning with lust! It is I! The criminal! Come prostrate before you! Come to lick your wound! Come to drench my head! Come to open my head to the cold granite springs! Come to fervor in forever further in furrier! Come to get me some! Daaaawwwwwwggg! How can you help me! Shit! Calm me down! Fuck me up! Lay me out! Give it to me straight! Have I got a chance in HAIL?_ WHO: Who is it, and what have you got to say for yourself? _Let me preach it to you._ GO: Go. _All right. Once, there was a man. Lived in a garbage can. He was very, very fat._ ALL RIGHT? All right? _All right. Once, the man decided he dug ketchup._ DIG? Dig? _Dig—but he didn’t just dig ketchup, I mean he duuuuuuuug, ketchup, you know what I mean?_ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN: I know what you mean. _Scary. Anyway, so he was walkin home from the Candy Store one day, where he’d bought up all sorts of ketchupflavored candy. And he was eatin it on the way home, and he was drinkin ketchup to wash it all down. And he says,_ KETCHUP MAN: Oh no! My arms are turning to ketchup! _And they fell off._ My legs are turning to ketchup! _And they fell off._ My eyes are turning to ketchup! _And they melted inward, where they saw . . . ._ My ketchup is turning to ketchup! VOICE: Is this supposed to be some sort of cautionary tale? 2nd VOICE: Or a polemic? 3rd VOICE: Or a diatribe? 4th VOICE: Or a self-indulgent— _Look. It’s just a stupid pointless story about ketchup I stole from some kid._ JUDGE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN APPOINTED BY ALL ASSEMBLED: Well, give it back and we’ll consider letting you come back in. _Hmm . . . ._