# what seems to get in the way - being afraid it's a waste of time - not having any external motivation; aka, someone to share it with who's expecting you to come up with something and will have actual feedback but is also actually interested and whose opinion you at least sort of for some reason care about - translation of a nice, warm, exciting, fuzzy idea into some kind of action or product. Like, I'll be thinking about something awesome in the shower, or in the middle of the wee hours on waking from a weird dream, but then whatever that mental thing is made of, it just disintegrates in the buffeting erosion of daily consciousness and stimuli and business and plans and garbage time - my burgeoning RSI; shoulders, arms, neck.... - I mean, that one guy said "art is when a human does something that might not work" but still, there's got to be a little more to it than that, right? - just having a hard time doing *any* kind of work, honestly—anything that's not driven by immediate results or pleasure, or that there's no possible way for me to authentically fail at - waylaying energy into purchases - waylaying energy into eating or drinking - waylaying energy into reading the dumb internet - letting my hurt feelings suck up my energy - feeling fucking sorry for myself - lack of energy in general, due to (getting older) + (having responsibilities) + (certain habits of self care that might be a little bit lacking from time to time) - thinking i'm too old and it's all fucking futile at this point anyway - thinking i have to be like i was when i was younger - remaining confusion about who i'm supposed to emulate - letting myself stay a bit isolated still - software - hardware; like how a bluetooth keyboard on iOS has weird bugs and delays, and is unpredictable from a UX perspective. - really? that's like actually a thing that gets in the way? or is the problem the problem in this case? - organization, getting distracted, - feeling too dumb or ignorant; feeling like I need permission; feeling like just making up stuff (fiction?) is just narcissistic and trivial and pointless, but then feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of conflicting information to cite if I wanted to base it on something; feeling inadequate as a legitimate practitioner of any kind of acceptable [literary] art - unreality syndrome? This creeping, ubiquitous feeling that typing stuff on the computer is completely devoid of actual human connection; whether it's a blog post or an email to a student, it all seems so arbitrary—taking offense at stuff, not taking offense at stuff, having preferences, being triggered, what have you—it's all based on the spindliest of illusions. - rage and hatred. a general contempt for and fear of everyone and everything around me. You can't live like that for longer than a couple of seconds before it starts to turn inward.