092712 #martian 1. The other day in the Butler computer Lab--that almost scrawny kid with the nape of his neck buzzed and thin, black plastic framed glasses, but not nerdy really, not in the exaggerated movie way you might expect, looked like a Paul, a *souris*, quiet kid but dignified enough--he was typing. Courier font on plain Word document, double-spaced like a proper manuscript, just typing away, word after word, scarcely pausing, until I think he felt me over his shoulder and minimized it. I said sorry, I wasn't spying on you, just curious, and he said okay, didn't seem bitter or anything. Then later I watched him alternate effortlessly between the march of words and the browser, looking up map of Switzerland, google-Earthing London--it's all right there. Research on the fly. It's not a big deal, it's just right there. That kid is doing what I need to do. It was so quietly electrifying and illuminating to watch the words just appear, the way they used to do for me. Not this wishy-washy journal stuff, but made-up shit! Where stuff happens to strange people! And you get to know them because you're there every moment as the stuff keeps happening! I remember being on that bright field! And I want to go home! What I'm trying to say is, he made it look so easy. I used to be the one making it look so easy. 2. How many times have I had to tell you, life is not a bed of pansies! 3. Hm. Substituting and typing. I might be a little pathetic. And that might be okay.