A sickly man saying "none of this matters" as if he were the first one to think of that, except the "as if" part is a guileless charade. He knows it's not true; he's just not pretending not to not care anymore. The only part that's true is the "none of this matters." And somehow, knowing that, well, it just doesn't matter. 052315235406 ----- I've got hopes and dreams in me! I've got secrets you can't see! I got a inner life in me! You've also got a lot of bacteria in you! the smiling alien said amicably. 052115132114 ----- Lately the neighbors unit has emanated a depressing smell, of cheap air freshener and stale smoke and poverty. It makes me hate them, and myself a little. 051715111946 ----- Girls in this area, he said, chewing on a metal tube, girls in this area are used to being a certain kind of pursued by a certain kind of guys in this area. Which they come to assume is every guy everywhere. I took a sip of my mildly cherrywood-flavored iced tea. See, look at her, he said, pointing with his elbow (because his hand was still clutching his Dragon Juicer Official Beverage of the Society of Charismatic Hostelry and Beverage Providers). See how her voluptuous mouth is curled ever so slightly back in a sneer of self-defense? Just because we're sitting here, this place, this area has taught her, or *somebody* anyway has taught her that she has to be on guard. Because we're going to *do* something to her, you see, it's required, it's like mandatory in the unwritten rule book. We have to *want* her, and that *wanting* is a threat. I twiddled my straw. I mean I realize I sound like a bitter misogynist that needs to get laid and had his feelings hurt a long time ago and was too big of a diaper-wearing scrotum-baby to get over it and be how I'm supposed to be, he added, swirling his Tallboy. But I'm not, i mean in my case, that's honestly not it. I as a matter fact, I don't know if you knew this, but I have absolutely no interest in her whatsoever. Like an amateur with a killer poker hand, I just looked up over the rim of my glasses, and if there were still such a thing as cigarettes I would've crushed one out rhythmically right then, and said, Really? So what about if she was coming over here, right now, looking right at you? He made a truncated vowel sound. Then just stared as hard at me as he could, considering he didn't know me and could now see for himself, peripherally, that she had in fact ordered and received her beverage, and was making unmistakable strides toward our table in what was *supposed* to have been the most safely anonymous corner of the whole stupid hut. 051515162501 ----- There's Megan's bus heading toward Cornell circle. I doubt she'll notice that I'm sitting here at this Starbucks outside table. 051515151117 ----- You want the moment you return to to be a moment you are welcome to return to, not a moment you must return to. You're too goddamned old for guilt. 051515151022 ----- Perpetual hiding does something to a man, and it ain't pretty. 051515150242 ----- What could a middle-aged middleweight do for the pink panthers? Are the pink panthers even real? Whence the silken pirates of my dreams? I would be willing, eager even, to bare my throat to the knife of an interlocutor in the field of dark dandelions behind the hidden night of the suburbs. I would go willingly with him, with his stubble, with his sinews, with his hot head and fevered thinking, into the woods between the houses and the gutters. I am hungry. We are, in fact, animals. I am tired of living in this zoo. Aren't you? 051515150202 ----- I feel comfortable in my skin, I feel relaxed now more than any time I can really remember in the last decade. I look around and colors are saturated just so; sounds are rhythmic and cryptic; people are mammalian-ugly and breathtakingly beautiful in that. Some things I'm not: - I'm not manic - I'm not content - I'm not done; haven't "arrived" - I'm not safe - I'm not out of the woods yet - I'm not enlightened - I'm not confident - I'm not physically fit And yet. And yet. 051515145618 ----- Love is turbulence. 042915220138 ----- I might go so far as to say there is no such thing as intrinsic motivation. Your environment has to work on you to make you change. 042915163229 ----- He thought it would be funny to put a breakaway door at the top of the stairs. So when somebody leaned on it they would fall down the stairs. That's the kind of crazy shit my dad was always doing. 042915093157 ----- Today was my first full day living with the people from the green grocer. Sz---- said she liked hearing me practice the saxophone. She said it brought a good energy to the house. Imagine that! 042615193116 ----- The blood of life makes me laugh at my own poverty 042615144901 ----- Why is my purple notebook coming apart at the spiral? 042615125543 ----- Why do people talk so loudly about night in Spain? 042615125530 ----- You can't go for cod fishing do f 042615Apr041430070781 ----- One more time bitch 042615Apr041430070772 ----- 042615Apr041430070742 ----- Ad aging 042615Apr041430070714 ----- Let's try that again 042615Apr041430070705 ----- And now?.... What have you to say for myself! [[%m%d%y%h%m%s]] ----- How about now, you stinking fit? [[%m%d%y%h%m%s]] ----- Quit being sued 40E9A054-5150-4040-9FA5-E637DB77ECC7 ----- This is yet another test you fucking idiot. 4D6EAABF-E388-40B2-9CB1-41650BF8B503 ----- This is the thirds test and you are fun. AB1464EA-5FB5-4596-9C48-38D7DE6D0775 ----- This is the second test. 2496AE7D-7A1E-40B2-A00C-48445C5F15E3 ----- This is a test. EB428919-1081-463A-B26F-7E22DC848BCA -----