it is not typically the accepted male role. but your not only a mouse your the mouse that roared 000096 #squirrel wand i guess just at this point with my walking and liveing in relationship limbo it just reminds me that ultimately i am in charge of my own sesxuality 012695 #eel And the irreverent feeling, the my nipple hardish under my teeshirt feeling, the barefoot thru this world feeling, the jiving with my bro feeling.... 081413 #worm You know what we should do? Ltiky asks, fingers comfortable in the nubs of the steering wheel. The highway keeps going by, and by, and by, fast as the sunlit days 082613 #elephant 111903 Some gentle porn reminds me: to be cuckolded by Feather Woman was a high honor. It was the acid by which my sexuality was etched. love=curiosity 081613 #worm He drinks orange juice out of a small glass jar. I see his throat moving it on down. The bus will be here soon. Smoke and snow are on everything as I trudge. 010314 #jonquil Fan fucking tastic. Let's go tell my mom. I mean, not *tell* her, I mean, just about the sleepover. It'll be like some cheesy movie. We can do *homework.* 000005 #crow #treefrog Okay. So I'll finish it tomorrow. Morning. Before work. Okay. Am I trying to be a failure, or what? What the hell is wrong with my gumption? 081413 #worm Me sadly smiles, and fingers the packet of sugar in his pocket. Where did this come from? he wonders for a moth-like moment, and then the wondering too is gone. 120912 #human #meerkat Hey, that's what they say about this writing thing. This is why it's scary. You have to face stuff. That's the raw power of it, isn't it? 090913 #elephant I felt a chill quiver up my back. Suddenly I wanted you. Your breasts looked so pale, nestled in your black bra, when the lightning struck again. We waited. 081413 #worm Him stands there, killed cigarette steaming forlornly, and feels his clothes getting heavier and heavier. Finally he bends to the task of removing them. 091913 #trout running down rivulets of beautiful water along wretched butt-littered concrete curbs; downtown leading to a lower place; the dilute magma of a dream life in decay 042713 #human Did I mention I cleaned the blinds in the bathroom the other day? Astonishing how little things can add up to affect the overall tone of your daily existence. 110913 #snail You had to get some gloves from the hardware store, because none of his fit you or else they did, but you wore through them after a couple of days of handling rocks. 081613 #worm #roach The truck wheeled around in the sun. Across the street, they were cleaning the losers out of the café. Then we left that scene behind, too. 022613 #treefrog Really take a look at the people you're working with this week. No, I mean a REAL look. Yeah. Like you already were doing. Just wanted to keep you aware! :) 071002 #eel So gradually I became naked, and it became true that my clothes were in a locker somewhere, and she had the keys to the locker, as well as all my other keys. 051111 #martian 1. Didn't do school work, again. 2. Held Megan's face in my hands and yelled at her. 3. She tried to remove my hands. I said, "Put your arms down." 081413 #worm Suddenly, all they have to do is turn around, go back the way they came, and there are plenty of doors on the right side. They go through the third one. 081613 #worm Who are you? Who am I? Who is that fat guy over there? Why are we so obsessed with body image? What other countries can we go to, even if we're in jail? 110799 #human Fuck me. When Trent got all those pool balls in the pockets right after one another, I wanted to say, "Hey, do you need a blow job or anything?" but I didn't 111813 #Oooooxooooohh her finger traced the sailing-ship curves of the monogrammed "M," feeling the contrast of the raised letter against the frictionless satin of the panties 102913 #snail #bnabe Your brain's a constant billiards game, complete with devastating social failures and the gravity of knowing there are certain ways you're supposed to act. 081013 #dog *HER took me to a boutique down one of the side wings of the mall. I had never noticed the little shop before. I had never even noticed this wing before. The main crowd was not here; the current was idle. It was a shady, stagnant finger off the main arm of the mall's chaotic mighty flow.* 090813 #trout The train lurched over some imperfections in the steel. You could hear the chunk-ker-chunk advance, peak under our feet, and retreat like vast, frenetic frogs lined up along the bank of some strange robotic stream, passing their note mechanically along, along, along, until it's gone. 010614 #bushmill Alex! Oh, yeah, okay. Not one to lose face, I just slide over onto the hump seat and let the guy get up in the cab next to me. Okay. Okay. At least I'm next to Mel. This is weirder than our usual nights, but that's okay. I think. I'm pretty fucked up. Yeah, fuck. Why not? 082808 #human Higher education, as often as not, comprises learning how to lie socially. The uneducated often don't know how to self-deceive for political safety, and as such are less likely to be confined by the gilded cage of propriety. This is why we pay them less money. We envy their freedom. 081313 #copperhead My buttocks rock against the stern seat as my midriff twists. It feels so good to rock and twist, heave and lift, watch the drips, repeat, repeat. Watch the V-shape of his perfect back as he does likewise in the bow. No speaking, only this perfect rhythmic factory of liquid motion. 000097 #worm We took a wrong turn and ended up at someone's house, the only house around. The guys went inside to ask directions, and when they came back out they said she was really neat and sold tie-dye and incense and what not. We called her Sister Moon, and blessed her and laughed and rolled on. 081313 #copperhead The channel's almost square, the turns almost right angles. The trees retreat a dozen yards or so on either side. Swaying grasses line the edges of this chilly run. The sunlight penetrates the green—half opaque and half transparent, the water holds the gold in delicate solution. 031606 #squirrel Love, Your friend & kramer stunt-double & addled & confused & slightly paranoid but certain That this country Is going to go through some hard times Brother & sister, Real soon, Believe it, Because it's coming, Before it gets better, Believe it Amen 072106 #human you know what the best thing i've heard in a while is? FREDDY: [about me, to a fucking hot chick in a pink hat] "If I was gay, I would so nail him!" 050005 #bunny I want to taste his secret, resonant funk. I want to drink in the hot undercurrent of his moss-grown hollows. 081613 #worm I remember when I was for real. I wore madras plaid shirts and spoke French. I was a real dancer. I was a goat. I was a lonely chanteuse, making her way in the plaid streets of a checkered past. I drove an orange truck and the boys wild. I was a frilly tomboy. I think I was drunk. On the other hand, his style of "successful defeat" may have made him the best possible commander for a war in which ill-trained, underpaid, volunteers were forced to face professional troops. He was able to hold together an army for enough years to cause the British to simply throw in the towel 110613 #squirrel #fox Seems in some ways we are clearer and more whole as grown ups, Mat. And in other ways we're still prone to retreat to the same monkey-mind that we always have. Perhaps it insulates us from going to the places that scare us, from some still deeper understanding or acceptance. 080413 #human Meg's pictures... especially of her & her sisters... my children are all so overwhelmingly astonishingly beautiful, I can hardly stand it. The depth of the soul in the expressions, the off-handedness of the bangs brushed aside, the silliness adjacent to the wide-eyed quiet amazement.... 081813 #treefrog Here I thought I was going to talk about literature. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! I'm talking about basic office supply skills, with the literature tucked in here and there as half-ironic asides, during rare moments when the class is un-throbbing enough to let me even hear myself think. 080413 #human Weird time parallels: I just said, "Libby, what are you doing?" and she answered from the bathroom, "Learning how to read a chapter book!" It was almost exactly like when (1994) I said to Scott in Portland, "What are you doing?" and he answered, "Learning how to use your computer!" 081013 #dog *A bicycle squeaks down the street outside. The moon is full but you wouldn't know it unless you went outside. The fresh air comes in the window causing you to ask yourself, is it ever too late? Or has it been too late from the beginning? And would you know the difference?* 174333 081413 #worm Me fumbles and fidgets with his leather fanny pack, at length producing a pouch of tobacco, a sheaf of evanescent papers, and a rather large box of wooden matches. He puts all on the table, feigning unaffectedness, and begins the process, laborious for him, of rolling a smoke for Him. 081413 #worm Later, riding along to nowhere in the bowels of the trash truck (the dumpster lid, inverted, unjammed itself, and Him and Me barely managed to squiggle deep into the filth of a city, avoiding getting mashed by the truck's chomping jaws), they share laughlessly the humor of their situation. 081613 #worm I'm thinking of two things at once. One; how much it sucks to be interrupted. Two; how much it would suck not to be interrupted any more by the great, dark mass of woman in the other room saying, put the extra quilt on me please. And leave the window open. The baby has stinky farts. 081413 #worm  They go. This city is finally big enough to have girls who know what they're talking about working in the clothing stores. There are still old men behind the newsstands, but more and more, the upturned noses of low-wage youth are taking responsibility for other people's luxuries. 090813 #worm that man's music is mixing with the walls in a peculiar pulsing way. pulsing way. pulsing way. 000096 #squirrel why are you and i not rivals uhhh cuz were not lovers? just a guess that doesnt make any sense why wouyld lovers be rivals why wouldnt lovers be lovers 082713 #human I like it here on the 15th floor. A whole bunch of squirrels have been moving in a few floors down, and I have been enjoying their chittering and skittering. I just made myself a cup of coffee, looked around at the boards and slanting sunlight of my studio, and realized, I'm happy NOW. 081413 #worm Pnanyl opens her arms wide and takes in the sun. A snickering Pudob sneaks up behind her, puts one paw on the snug pleats of her sun-dressed waist, and one between her arable shoulder blades; with a quiet Woof! in her ear, he pushes her firmly forward, toward the black mud hole. 081613 #worm I remember the seventies, or at least what they mean to me, which may be the same thing. Words fail me when I try to draw a distinction between my actual self, and my actual perception of history as filtered through the fish-eye lens of who I think I am or was. I just don't know. 000002 #human When I said being "out" (although I didn't use that word) was like hanging around with her when we were kids, listening to records and stuff, she said, "Do you know how long I've been trying to get that feeling back?" And she signed off with, "I love you. I miss you. I think about you." 010314 #jonquil The idea even of the jonquil festival--it wasn't even special; everybody had Jonquils this time of year. They couldn't come up with anything unique or special, but they still had to have a festival she guessed. It was like having a dandelion fair, or a cat hair celebration. Lame. 091613 #human #robot Classic science fiction was prescient about robots but I don't think many foresaw the lack of attendant physicality. For example the high speed trading bots sucking value out of the stock market. Behaving like an organism, physical manifestation distributed into abstraction. 083013 #treefrog 0410 What will not go on any official report is that I kicked Shawn out not because he was unprepared to conform to the expectations of the testing environment today, but because yesterday he betrayed me. I had thought maybe I could trust him. Now I'm making him pay for my mistake. 000096 #squirrel you know for as many times as i've thought about putting a gun in my mouth and pullin the trigger i've really started to like this life you know. this life is the only one i've ever really loved. it's beautiful., yeah. yeah it is. i guess that makes you a starfucker too 081413 #worm That's all the Captain's log says. These paltry words, scrawled ball-pointly over the ghostly image of an archaic ship, are all that remain for the blond boy to go with, but with them he goes. And with a bloodhound's scent he hadn't known he could muster, he commences tracking Him and Me. 081802 #eel there was a slender therapist with slightly shorter than shoulder length straight brown hair, with whom i was having a session. we were playing role-playing games, and i kissed her, and then i kissed her hard, and tasted her thin little tongue, and knew that we were in some kind of love. 081313 #copperhead Even now, here, as the tributary narrows further. There's barely room for paddle strokes between the gunwales and the banks. Grass and weeds as much as water swish with every stroke. Slower now, with reverence. The blue-green turns to green, gets colder. We must be near the spring. 031103 #eel While I'm waiting for the woman's arrival, I swim around, enjoying being a dolphin, enjoying how long I can stay under between breaths. I surface, take in the cityscape in an instant, wonder if anyone sees my sleek head above the wavelets, then disappear again, enjoying weightlessness. 090913 #roach go back to the apartment go. go. go into Him's. go. go, go, go. go have a smoke go by. go or not. go ping! ping! ping! go behind the waterfall. go with him on his trip. go in the bathroom go back into the hut. go back the way they came, go through the third one. go with them, go? 081213 #human It's not as though there's some sort of magic aura that makes you a therapist. But certain kinds of skills, experiences, aptitudes can really make a difference. Peggy for instance, she keeps steering me back to the sexuality question, because she has noticed how and how often I avoid it. 000001 #human the stewardess came down the aisle and summarily snapped all the window shades shut, because "people wanted to sleep." I guess she had seen the sun rise from the middle of the fucking sky a million fucking times. . . . how a bisexual genius came to discover his homosexual side . . . . 120913 #greyknight Somehow poor-ish, non-powerful people who are somewhat put-together, a little bit dignified, appear vaguely worse than the outright slobs. Like high class for the Greyhound, you know? The fake wool of their sweaters, the fake fur of their coats somehow whispers, "Perpetual failure." 082713 #crow Ah hell. Don't get pissed. We're all goin down anyway. You know they don't got enough lifeboats for us all. You know that. You knew that comin in here. So deal. Another hand. Come on. Give me your hand. Put it there, champ. Put it there and stroke it up and down. That's a real man.... 081413 #copperhead The stream keeps going downhill. It doesn't look like downhill, but you know it is. It must be. This is the way the water is flowing. We keep doing what we're doing, until the stars begin to reappear. The way they do that, night after night, is akin to how the water keeps flowing. 010614 #bushmill Shut up! I say again, with more emphasis this time on the "up", as Mel says I'm turned on by the big black guy, which is ludicrous but true. I'm not, I mean, I'm not like. I don't know, I'm not like some kind of weird stereotype-fetish kind of whatever, I just. Yeah. Shut up! 102903 #human I've been away from the computers for a few days. That's a good thing. When its motor heats up, the AB Dick 1200 feeder smells like baking cookies. John just tossed an ink knife onto the broken counter. When I was younger, I pretended not to pretend not to think I knew what love was. 120912 #human Can anything ever replace #shitboy? I certainly can't go back to her; that was always my old strategy. Obviously that isn't going to work this time. Obviously. Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Right. Obviously. Oh holy shit, are you freaking serious? You're actually thinking about it, aren't you? 102813 #illusionist Today's card is the illusionist. He's trying to scare the others, especially the kids because they're there and their vision isn't hampered by previously built up concrete illusions of a workday nature, into being scared of the same things he is, so he can be less lonely and lost. 081413 #worm my surprise, it isn't working. The room is getting smokier. Murmuring begins. The harder I push--and I push as hard as I can without looking as if I'm pushing--the tighter the leather cuffs become. They are four disarming hugs. They are voltage points. And still I don't speak. You order 081413 #worm Him and Me walk past a wide settee whereon a man is bound and stretched spreadeagled, from corner to corner. He is blindfolded and his nipples are painfully clamped. The teasing ghost of an insensately erotic peasant girl torments his face with her night-air breath. Him and Me walk on. 081613 #worm You think about it. Time suffers sweetly, offers the two of you some smoke. It's so much easier to allow yourself to discuss potential suicide with a perfect stranger, when you have a fag between your lips and so does he. It happened. Whatever. I got in trouble. Same old. Fall air. 081413 #copperhead And all I want is a drink of water, which I pause to take, and note in passing that nothing's missing. The superpower of alcohol really is illusory. I'm still awake, alert, in full possession of every possible thought, and there is no buzz except the buzz of fucking dragonflies. 081613 #worm You stand there just a fraction of a hair of a scosh too long, just so he'll not know what he's supposed to do next, or, in fact, ever again, and then you do that turn, one more fragile killing time, and you walk as slowly or as quickly as you please up the stairs, one stair at a time. 081413 #worm So we're just supposed to sit here in a dank corridor, under the middle of nowhere, half-starved, completely broke, and utterly without a clue as to why we exist in the first place, and for fuck's sake SMOKE? We're just supposed to sit here and fucking SMOKE? You know what? You suck! 081313 #copperhead I wanted to be here, right? No job, no schedule, no girlfriend, no school, no parents, no life. Just here and now. That was the plan, right? I mean, you know, after I refused, and doubted, and debated, and doubted, and decided, and finally gave in. That is the plan. And here I am. 102304 #eel Stone said no, instead we should strive to get home. i said how are we going to do that? he said just keep moving up. Up? But all that means is we'll get up to the top of some tower, and we'll just be sitting there, alone. The discussion was tabled. We each went our separate ways, tho not necessarily permanently. 000005 #human Why is it that the care of angels is entrusted to trolls like me? It's a mighty strange system, to put the most breakable in the hands of the clumsiest. Oi, God is an Iron, eh Spider? My strongest asset is the infinite love that flows through me. I'm a crackling conductor, a fatally flawed, meaty conduit is all. 000096 #human i don't know maybe she's not really really mirrored like a bunch of mirrors reflecting outward, away from her true self. maybe i just don't believe her. but i don't. i mean, i feel there is a warm and beautiful person in there somewhere, but my god the caustic toxicity just shimmers around her beautiful mouth. 000096 #squirrel i said fuck to you. well fuck to you to! no i mean i said fuck to you while we were fucking but i didn't say PORK ME! hahahahahaha!!thats my entire point! qwhat is this pork thats digusting PORK ME I LOVE IT!!! ooooh basby PORK ME! hahahaha pork the other white meat!!!!!!!!! oh shit. 081413 #worm Her shoe turns into a glorious koi, wandering back and forth languidly under fluorescent light. Blurred by water and glass, a careworn face says, Peekaboo! and on this side of the fish tank, a baby giggles. She sounds a little like a saxophone, hiccuping out a hot swing rhythm. Peekaboo! Amazingly, she giggles again. 081413 #worm Jorrud steals Knety's walking stick and rides it, cackling, into the flames. Knety fills his little basket with snowballs, but try as he might, he just can't throw like a man. The snowballs turn to slush against his chest as Jorrud moves in fast, and kisses him, full-throttle on the mouth, and everybody cheers. Ha HA! 081613 #worm When the old lady is your ex-girlfriend and all the world's a stage. At seventeen, ripped, whether masturbating, sucking cock, or smoking, his shoulders were back, his fangs were bared, his back was ramrod straight. Chiseled, he had a lot of mountain to spare. Summer dream: Spring feels like Fall this Winter. 081613 #worm #roach Tomorrow night draws to the pale. Stars crinkle underfoot. Your gasbag heart goes plernch! plernch! plernch! as you circle around and around the true meaning of things. Love, me. Tomorrow night comes, and your "little friends" are back in the jail cell cum café witcha once again. Oh boy. Here we go again. 000096 #squirrel well. sometimes i feel like im sliding down sort of into this thing into this abyss if you will i mean and your in this abyss and i feel like maybe im sliding down into something and i dont feel like i can really control it but i dont wanna feel that way all by myself THAT is a truly pathetic feeling you know. 081613 #worm I could just sit and chain smoke with you guys forever, under this kind of old guitar sounding air we got going in here. I think maybe I will. I think maybe I'll fuck off the rest of my time in jail and just sit in here, over here with you guys and sit by the fire and say fuck whenever I feel like it. Forever. 022613 #worm She lets out just enough of a sliver of a half of a smile at (the one remaining) at the table in front of (her and her invisible "husband.") He (the one remaining) is dead, of course. He will have to die before he can even begin to realize what he will spend the rest of the first half of his life recovering from. 081413 #worm The bus lumbers to a stop in front of you. The door accordions open. You step up. You reach into your sweatshirt pocket, and fumble for your fare. You sway in place, already in the rhythm of the in-between country, as the driver heels the old beast around the corner, and gets it up on the current that isn't there. 120712 #human I'm not against porn, except for this: sex doesn't have to be an accusation; sex doesn't have to be a pragmatic display. You wouldn't learn that from studying porn. You wouldn't learn anything that you didn't already know. That's the tragedy of the Internet age: how are our younglings going to be clueless now? 081413 #worm She picks up a cigarette lighter from among the flotsam in the plastic indentation between the seats, and tries to light a cigarette with one hand still on the wheel. Spark, spark, flame but the flame goes out. As she steers around a gentle bend in the road, she drops the lighter and it falls down around her feet.  060908 #squirrel It was a miricle , Matt. Allthe rock got moved, and dispite the rain, and looking like drown rats, it was a though we had all gone on a mountain climbing expedition, and had come out on top of the world. We celebrated with the last of John's home brewed beer. The next day I learned how to drive a Bobcat! 000097 #worm We went over to the main pool. There were a few naked people inside. The witches got naked first, got in, and after a moment's hesitation--not because of the witches or the strangers or any general problem with nudity, but only because Helena, my friend and never girlfriend, had never seen me naked--I did too. 082713 #gull 051404 How ‘bout this: Is Plot in stories a reflection of how we see the world works or is it our attempt to impose our presuppositions on how the world works? If plot is based on causality, then plot is based on scientific models, which are by definition always changing. Our current view is already archaic. 081013 #dog *Stand, arms akimbo, feet under your shoulders; breathe; look over the city in all its dun glory. Are you looking for anything out there? What are you thinking about? Why is this room so carpeted with hush? When is he coming home? Is he coming home? There is a knock at the door. Enter OMSATIGO.* 082913 #finch at the laundromat back in highschool bicycle squeaks breaking some laws Cadillac Sedan de Ville fuckin awesome! generation 486 generation 621 how to play football I missed my boys in front of anybody is this a stickup? it always hurts 081413 #worm The Aviary is about to give up. It's lily throat is pinned to the dust by the Snoke's veiny, bulging arm. It has all but decided defeat is sexier anyway. Why prolong this inane struggle? It bucks its hips a few times for effect. Mmm, it has grown to love that effect. The Aviary has learned to release its hips. 081013 #dog *HER sits on the bank and smokes. HER paces nearby, smoking. YOU smokes too much, YOU's flabby, YOU's lazy, YOU's selfish, YOU's slow, and most of all, YOU is a big fucking pussy. YOU is of course in love with them both. But mostly with HER. Oh, and also YOU eats too much junk food, you flabby-minded panda bitch.* 081413 #worm Geprorogo pats his shoulder, and explains: Poor sap, he's been watching all of you for years. He knows all your secrets. He knows what color gumballs you try to get out of the machine. He knows your secret doodles, your morning-after conversations, how you like your eggs--all that clandestine intelligence. 081313 #copperhead There's like this sludgy mixture of sand and water just slip-sliding back and forth every time I move. I'm just sitting here in the goddamn canoe, and if I barely breathe, the brown sludge moves. The sun feels good on my shoulders, though. It feels like it wants to make love to my fawn-speckled freckles. 110613 #squirrel #fox Love them enough to let go and let go and let go ... love them & this voluntary letting go that is like work and also sometimes like sex with trust & love & patience & luxurious joy actually works better than the drugs or alc or smoke or self-abuse or any of those other things we've used before.... 000096 #squirrel i missed my song. i heard it i heard it too but not enough so hear it again\ undertaker underaker wont yopu please drive real slow thats my sister baby sister lord i shure hate to see her go will the circle be unbroken by and by lord by and by thers a better world a waitin in the sweet lord by and by 081413 #worm Him tries to get philosophical; that usually seems to help in a situation such as this. Well, he says (all good bouts of buddy-bolstering philosophy seem to begin with that one deep (sorry) syllable), sometimes it's only after everything is completely fucked up that you can really begin to sink in and, you know, live. 051006 #squirrel > > When you mix black paint with white paint... is it > the > > black paint darkening the white paint, or is it > the > > white paint litening the dark paint?? > Oh yeah.... Also, it's the gray paint dying to be > born, seeing an > opportunity, and emerging wet and mysterious into > this world. 081613 #worm Once that particular layer of thin ice is broken, we may have found a little niche of freedom. As much freedom as there is cinnamon in your almost-empty shaker from the last decade. It is never enough. But it is enough. Didn't someone Absurd say that? Whatever. I'll give credit when credit is due. So sue. Me. 051111 #martian 1. Boom just said to someone, You smell like outside. 2. I just highlighted a highlight from a book wherein it was reportedly highlighted by DFW. Now it sits on my desktop, highlighted as a clipping. 3. Rachel walked past my door, laughing the laugh of somebody who the administrators think is crazy. 010314 #jonquil Where's your—? For some reason, she didn't finish the question, but looked around instead. Gwen realized the decor was shabby. Faded. What was the word? Threadbare. Old curtains hung strangely off of stuff. The whole lower floor had the look of a vacated museum or a vacation cottage from a vanished era. 102903 #human Last night the radio in the tinny Tracker said, "This is basic training in sound." At that moment, driving, I looked out the window and saw a narrow strip of ochre vinyl siding between two doors on someone's pumpkin-lit porch. I wondered again what the small pieces of everything think about all day and night. 080913 #fish The one you're writing all this stuff to; your secret audience of one sentience that for whatever reason thinks your story is fascinating, even if it's just something wack like, "Two guys went walking by the Lake. One of them bought a Coke." The fish would be all like, Ooooh, yeah, I'ma tune in next week, brah!!! 000002 #human reading about other people's crossings i always missed the point that mine wouldn't look like theirs. mine would look like mine. their bravery, their anguish, their storytelling might relate, but the details kept throwing me off as i tried to copy them. tried to graft theirs onto mine like an ill fitting carapice. 081313 #copperhead Finally we reach a bend we cannot navigate without a portage. Wedged at angles to the stream, we pause. He turns around. I look at him. He looks at me. His belly's flat, and rippled; mine's a little pooched. He's dark; I'm fair and blond. He's short; I'm tall. He's tight; when I'm around him I feel gangly. 100413 #human Feeling far and moodily, hafta poop, butt problems, sniffly, back weak at the moment, defenses ramping up assuming men at the school don't like me and even some of the women, I just I just need to take some time. Even on a five-word day, sit with it. Try something besides shoving food in at night. And... 060306 #human Welp, just a few hours til my fucked up vacation ends. If you don't be guilty, then you can't feel guilty. Right? I dunno, what do you say we have OMSATIGO back to the ranch? Vile little vacation over, no harm done, thank you, see you in the morning, life as usual, being dragged over hot coals toward a fate. 011304 #eel Later I'm in a big auditorium with my pals, watching some stupid movies the officers put up for us. I'm clutching my weapon the whole time, finger on the trigger, ready. I'm watching the doors up front as much as I'm watching the screen, probably more. You just can't be sure when one of them is going to walk in. 082313 #treefrog 2001 May help give someone else a chance, eventually, to decode the messages that are swirling around us all, and, perhaps, to encode some of eir own. What good does that do? I don't know. But at least it feels like I'm doing something, which is better than nothing, which is sometimes all I feel capable of doing. 110113 #eel He is reassured by his inability to see the pool area behind the condensation on the glass door. And yet there is one detail that nags him: he hadn't been able to find the "clear" key before, so he typed ":-J" instead of ":-clear". What's weird is, it still worked. Why should that bother him, of course, and yet.... 010614 #bushmill I tug the warm cotton fabric down over Pete's semi-erect penis. Mel puts her hand against his ass, and pushes him toward my face. I try to get a deeper breath. It's musky, it's been a while since our last truck-stop shower. It's sweaty and funky, there's almost a mushroom smell that's vaguely familiar. 120912 #human #bunny I could start with a little cocksucking, a little service on my knees, and see where it takes me. Nothing saying I HAVE to be like the goody-goodies in those movies I've been watching. Allowing more of the gay into my life doesn't mean I have to become all sweet and domestic and, well, I don't know, GAY. 031001 #eel the blow didn't seem to come, or it came but as a gesture or symbol. then i saw what he was doing, knew what he was doing and why. he was changing into what i had done to him. his head turned into something that had been cleaved open. he turned into a split-open carcass, and i knew it was to show what i had done. 111912 #human I like my mostly quiet kitchen with most of the dishes washed. It feels domestic but not oppressive. I even like my stupid cats, and the tan one's flipping out over the catnip I just sprayed on the scratching surface I just rubber-banded to the wiry legs of the little yellow mosaic-topped end table, which I also like. 081613 #worm Still, it would be nice, if only for the sake of continuity, if he realized or acted as if he realized, or even remotely cared, that only yesterday they had had a rather intimite, if generic, conversation, that had been her first conversation after getting out of jail, and that had actually registered in her memory. 012014 #martian - Millie got jealous of my making Megan's stuffed animals come to life. - She asked me to do it with her Googles, but Googles doesn't have arms so it was kinda hard, but I tried anyway. - She poked Googles's head around the corner of Megan's door when I was saying goodnight to Megan and doing Megan's animals. 081413 #worm Barp kneels alone in the wreckage. Another explosion, another day. He stares at the fragments in front of his face. Rearrange them now, caveman. Make a three-or-four-D map with these chaotic chips. Remake Npydyuan. But, alas, it's easier to smash a cup than to stick one back together. He tries. He tries. He fails. 081313 #copperhead Which is in a way kind of the exact opposite of what time it actually is now, here, sitting in this rapidly cooling canoe. The sun is going down exactly as much as that hypothetical sun would be coming up. It's a hundred and eighty degrees away from tea time, folks. So I really need that fucking coffee, dig? 081413 #worm And just like that, they are talking about something. Just like that--that happens to be Esriel's favorite phrase for summing up moments of elegant, butterfly synchronicity. Moments such as this are the only evidence we have that we are not all completely, unreconcilably, desperately, irretrievably alone. 000002 #human Today I ate: eggs, cheese, sweet red pepper, apple passion mango juice, coffee, bacon, toast, currant jelly, margarine, cheezits, donuts, eggrolls, coke, tater tot casserole, more bread, margarine, lettuce, orange vinaigrette, peanut butter cookies, brownies, starburst, wine i'm not saying this means anything 120712 #human I love my girls so freaking much, and they're so threateningly, hilariously, absurdly, unocnventionally cool. Xavier's over. They're playing Wii. Celi's making masterpieces. My heart expands about to the popping point when I randomly hear things like blue-and-teal-haired Megan saying, "My own creation is unbeatable!" 091913 #human O god I want community so badly. And it's out there. I'm getting ready, putting my black duster on. There's words and surprises and hearty mutual applause on the wing. There's the sensual feast, reimagined this time, grown up, grown out, love need never fear, there's leaves tumbling over and over on wet black asphalt. 081413 #worm Just as the Aviary is about to call it quits for good, to relinquish the relentless twitch that is a spectre's life, a dragon leaps up out of the subterranian dimension of Him and Me. It is a small, unkempt dragon, a rather garish shade of vermillion, with chipped or half-bitten spikes up and down its dilapidated spine. 000094 #eel I ended up killing him with a huge axe, smearing his blood all over, and then burying the ax, and a big knife which I'd used to slice his arms and legs, in the wall above his butchered corpse, it was in a grocery store, and he threatened Dad and me both, because I said something smartassy because I didn't like the guy. 121502 #eel I was upstairs and from downstairs came a warm robust voice saying, "Hey girl! Come down here and sing us a song!" and the girl went, and as she went I said to someone else (?) how nice that was, how perfectly beautiful to be in a place like that and be called downstairs to sing a song. And she did, and I was partly her. 102412 #human #bunny There is something so very young in the air tonight, literally in the air. October but it feels like spring, and not just spring but Spring: the candle-burning, secret homo-yearning, wide-open music of my youth. Why? What is it? Why does tonight smell different from any other night in the past thirty years? 010514 #stranger The bald man stands, angry as a chimp, body posture all menace, a faint puzzlement hidden behind a wall of rage. He turns and stands in the street as the car picks up speed, its occupants' hearts beating fast. His mouth works but there is no sound. In the rear view mirror he can be seen shaking his head in pure disgust. 101503 #trout What's the difference between each one of Faye's still-perfect tits? Each one more than perfect. Each one aged a little, each one having smile lines, each one having played the perfect centerpiece to two too many perfect, perfect lies. I look down hastily in case one or the other of those tits should smell me looking.... 081313 #copperhead Also, the canoe is aluminum. A loomie. A big old heavy clunky loud-as-fuck piece of yesterday's tech. And I'm not entirely convinced it doesn't leak. You know those lines of rivets or grommets or whatever they're called? Yeah. It seems a little too wet there for how long I've actually had this thing in the water. 000096 #human i think i should get a haircut smoke dope run walk ride drink play with the dog sleep sail drum flee bitch cry whinemoan masturbate fuck get raped kill get a new job career car software package way of life then everything would be so simple. if i just didn't have you around. i could live so easy. 091413 #trout So many toys he had as a boy. Eight shot, twelve shot, strip shot, paper shot, simple click, total imagination--you name it, he had it. They all felt like guns when he held them then. But this--this steely density is livid and liquid, eager, an alive mouth seeking the breast of death. He cradles it. It is his child. 081813 #treefrog Oh yeah. Also: Why can't I reprimand Emily (7) without giggling? 092702 #eel I go from floor to floor to keep anyone from getting suspicious by seeing me too much. I am half looking for a place to sleep. At one point, on the fifth or sixth floor, I pass a part of the hallway in front of some doors I recognize. 143603 011597 #human #werewolf your own quiet thoughts waking up and leering back at you luring you back to some still spot behind the waterfall, before it all began to go dim, before it all began to shine so cruelly, before her damnable black eyes came and treated you to ruin. to the ruins. you are a werewolf, so howl. 144926 111813 #placeoftheway The desks were lined up in rows, but no-one was sitting at them. Cabinets ringed the room: crimson, yellow, plum, chartreuse, orange, cornflower. Six sinks, six ranges, six blenders, six microwaves. At the front counter, a gaggle of cream pitchers stared about in various directions, like miniature, frozen geese. 102913 #snail I can talk about clits and girls and the hard little nipples of sweaty boys and junior high football underarms and all that stuff, but as I age I become a little more humorous about it all.... I hope to find out someday, you know, when I grow up and grow out of this adolescent phase I've been in since oh about 1974. 101503 #trout #elephant Sruky sweats inside his tank top. He never gets any older. Faye gets older and older until she's just the age she wants to be. She wants a younger man. She gets one. I was one, once. But that doesn't matter any more. You already knew that, I'm just reiterating because I'm pathetic. My little dick stirs again. 052713 #human I dont feel like working at all these days. Just want to go off and be alone and lick my wounds or pay someone to lick them for me. Maybe drink, maybe smoke, just disappear into a summer sidewalk crack with butts and rain and the absolution of the reappearing sun. The brilliance of refractory raindrops disappearing. 091313 #roach This is the sort of thing that passes for a big deal around this cafe: Overheard conversation. Two bikers, one young-haired, one gray, talking bikes. What kind of tires do you have? Hundred and thirty pound test, bald, and they slice right thru the snow. One leaf in the street blows up, swirls around, comes back down. 081413 #worm with fragments. He belly laughs. She vibrates with him. They continue to circle around the yard. Everybody looks at them. A smile goes around like a bottle. It helps. We remove protective layers to live, for now, in the thought of this place with reliable china mugs and dingy flatware. Oatmeal. Toast. Bacon. Forgiveness 090813 #worm the magicians brought the roda to the princess. she liked it--the sweaty men, their shiny backs, toppling and tumbling and astonishing one another! 000002 #human You can't create a meandering, interwoven, ancient, arcane, pliable, living text simply by reffering to it obliquely when the mood strikes. #or can you# 111213 #snail Everything seems dirty. Passageways are open for feelings of guilt, desperation, and grotesque, overwhelming pity. You can't help imagining what it would be like if *you never got better.* What if it was always going to be like this? This was just normal from now on? Fortunately, for most of us, most of the time, it isn't. 101503 #trout Sruky pounds away. Faye sloshes thru. They are becoming closer together. Thru the rivers and canals and liquid streets of shit, Faye can see the cafe where Sruky sits. She can't hear him pounding away yet, of course. All she can hear is the "slish, slosh" of each one of her pert little arrogant steps. God I loved her once. 000002 #human There is truly a part of me which looks on in sadness, even dismay, anticipating regret and self-disgust. And that part is locked in a wet, unholy embrace with the part that it makes excited and erect. They feed, these parts, each other their tongues; the one tries to bite and the other eludes, and sucks, and sucks, and sucks 000097 #human #warmglowbox I burn Billy and Robin's number and then in a few months I drop by their house unnanounced, saying, "I lost your number" while their little redheaded kid pulls on my pants leg and I smile a forced smile and talk with Billy about the house. "It's looking good, it's looking good. I see you got that sewer fixed." 081413 #worm #roach Maybe in some other skewed universe, you turn around and push open the bamboo, and there's the bathroom at Esriel's Cafe, right where it always was. Maybe you wash your hands, or maybe you don't bother. You adjust yourself, go back out through the door behind the counter, and make your way back to your table. 041902 #eel I built up energy, and tried a little leap--and my image in the mirror got a little thinner. I danced and pranced, and just as I was leaping away from the mirror's vision, I could see that my body was lithe and lean. I went off to my right, toward the kitchen, but my mirror image leapt up and off to its right--my left! 102913 #snail #wirydog By the time the job is done and I've taken off the bloody and dirty clothes and had a shower, and water is heating on the stove, it's probably almost midnight. I don't know for sure, though--yesterday I leaned the clock against the vine-encrusted bricks of the garage and shot it to pieces, when I was practicing. 102813 #fish When I put the quote about ambition, the fish seemed worried, because I had mentioned catching, cleaning, cooking, and eating. I would never eat you, fish, I murmured. But was I really so sure? 081613 #worm #roach I'm just saying. Could you, if you wanted to? Could you actually go someplace outside of Esriel's Cafe? 000002 #human "It smells like bacon in here." I had a half smile on my face after I said this. It was similar to one I've seen on other people's faces, other people in families of their own. But I liked the one on my face better than the ones I've seen on theirs. Because I knew what was behind it. And it was more than it looked like. 081413 #copperhead My good old friend has taken charge of shopping up and down the crooked, worn-indoor-outdoor-carpeted aisles of this dilapidated bait shop, and left me the awkward job of asking to refill our water jugs. As I approach the counter, I watch first to see what I'm up against, and what I see is frankly unbelievable. 010314 #jonquil Are you fucking kidding me? Mary was looking around with new eyes, taking in every scrappy piece of furniture, every mote of dust as if it all went together to form the most technologically advanced playground in all of awesomeness. Then she stopped, frozen like a kid who's so excited she has to go to the bathroom. 091413 #trout He was pretty busy trying to distract his mind from the nagging sensation that he would never be able to repeat that night in the hot springs, high in the old-growth ghosts of the Olympic Peninsula. And he would not, in fact, be able to repeat that night. No one would. No one would really want to, but that's a different story. 000001 #eel upstairs barnboard bookstore/bar/coffeehouse-- madrigal/classical singers, a group of 5. He is one of them: angel voice, gruff-looking, vaguely asian, faintly black-- uneven teeth, uneven beard. smart, sardonic flash in his eyes. I ask him if he wants to sing in another group. He agrees to come with me and try it out. 031103 #eel He is standing on a craggy jetty. She is drawing near. Her time of servitude is over. Has it been too many years? Have there been too many fatigues, too little love, too much business? Will they still want each other? Has everything decayed? I swim closer, ready to reveal the sparkling necklace, and let it do its magic! 000008 #human makes it hard to type and everythign get a little bit yellow they yellow green of yesterday so what i could do that wiht a fucking vegetable you fucking moron sweaty tired dumb bitch do something less effective you idiot get some sleep drink some water just don't fucking waste your dum,b ass time doing this you idiot. 081413 #worm Ages later, after an extra sun has come and gone, and water flows once more in the worry-lines of an aging planet, the blond boy, almost a man, discovers the broken Moth's Wing. He examines the damage, threads through the library, sniffs the scattered dishes in the laboratory, and reads what he can find of the Captain's log. 010614 #bushmill The big man is dark, sleek, big-muscled, boulder-headed, close-cropped, not exactly mean-looking but menacing in a smiling sort of way. That sounds too sinister. It's hard to explain. He's like someone you'd want to be associated with, but not *too* closely, and definitely not someone you'd want as an enemy. 081413 #worm But hey, what's that? On that low ledge over there--a snow-capped plaid pylon--a familiar shape. What the hell, it's worth checking out. The driver's side door and Jelse's knees creak; Jelse steps out into wide, dirty tire ruts. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Hunch against the wind. Retrieve the thermos. It's heavy, and it sloshes! 081413 #worm The freedom of the snoke, I have since discovered, is in the interconnection of the people in the circle. Had I discovered that already? Good! It is still, again, always true. Weaving without threads, riding on the current that isn't there, etcetera, etcetera. I can be playing with Sruky and thinking about Batuk. No rules. 081013 #dog *One of the smooth-skinned girls comes over. She has the light of niagara falls in her chest. YOU offers her a drink, quickly. (Maybe YOU's reflexes are getting stronger.) Clearly, she has a penis, but it's more than that. There's something about the way she stands in front of YOU with all that sunshine splashing down.* 081613 #worm I'm thinking of that wine. And the way he took care of me. He took me out to dinner. How can I explain what that meant, except to say that it is a seaport on the coastline of my lower back pain. Ah, that pain. I'm thinking of that pain with a kind of sweet devastation. It has become who I am. I have become what it is. 041808 #eel There was also a part where I was lifting weights. Arm curls, but I was only doing the right side. I was going to do the left side tomorrow. I saw myself, and I was bulging, veined, defined, sweaty, dark in a dark mirror. Then I realized I was supposed to be doing the left side already, so I switched, and that side was weak. 102913 #snail The clunk of the bottle as I set it back down, gearing up for another pull on the hellish bloody, is answered by the clomp, clomp, clomp of someone coming up the stairs in heavy shoes.... 090913 #gull one thing i've learned: cafes can burn down. another: you shouldn't resent not getting more than you're giving 000008 #human assumptions we have donned to cover our perpetual failures--anything that is best for my children will always win, for instance--assumptions that give us the chitin with which to forge an identity, a character--these are the assumptions which must be shattered, in order to have what we normally perceive as a story. 000096 #squirrel hahahah. no that;s a warning. just warning you why i'm standing halfnaked in your kitchen no big thing. it happens all the time. yeah right. so. since you want to read about and write about sex, i think perhaps that's what we should do. what? what do you mean what. i meant, we should wrtite about it thank you 010514 #bushmill Oh really. You were just some kind of little super genius, too good for all that stuffy academic stuff? He's looking at me with his head cocked halfway, and his grin's not as cruel as it could be. No, I just. I don't know. I guess it just wasn't a good fit. You know for my. Whatever. For my personality. Or something. 081413 #worm Why? So I could be a lesbian. I tease boys. I wear those clunky black shoes, the compact, powerful ones that pack a punch. I walk as proudly as she does. I look at her, and smile, and not have to hide from her assumptions. I be proud of my little pooch. So this skirt would hug my hip. I bare my belly, and shimmy. I relax. 081413 #worm Someone is smoking a cigarette in here in the dark. Me can't see who. He only sees the glowing tip, and a wispy sillhoutte--a comet illuminating an ancient structure. The cigarette tip waves hello. Me waves back, a mere flutter of the wrist, a duck of the head. He is free to enter. He goes first. Krim follows, reedy and dark. 081613 #worm In some peaple, they call it thea. The fallacy of everything The fallacy of evidence 081313 #copperhead A shiver passes through me. 100313 #trout The alarm isn't really the time. 081413 #copperhead I kind of want to, but— 081613 #worm chinese tit star dog china wisdom. 100313 #trout yelling like a summer brownstone 040513 #finch Do you trust your breath? 081413 #worm You feel like my Krimster. 081413 #worm Chapter One: The Snoke rams it home. 080913 #moonwalker his naked chest and the stars If you don't donut, sogeobecrjse will. #gull 000001 #human Therefore, be the squirrel god. 081613 #worm Well, I don't know what it says. 081413 #worm I guess I still love you, dammit. 081413 #worm The voice: Did you forget shampoo? 111813 #meerkat #thekeyto the secret is decay 081413 #copperhead A turkey vulture circles. 081413 #worm Oh god! Yes, harder! Come on! Harder! 081613 #worm He goes before he comes, thank god. 081013 #dog I am scared in my breast like a robin. 091413 #finch Old square box smell oil 081413 #worm He says can I call you. She smiles. 081413 #worm Maybe we eat out too much, says Me. the space bar chisels softly thru the snow of this 111813 #meerkat #thekeyto this room is escape 081413 #worm You can come now, you fucking dog. 081613 #worm Depression pizza is the saltiest. 081013 #dog HER: I like it here. HER: I do too. 090913 #finch The knocking didn't come again. 081313 #gull No moment is ever uneventful. 081313 #copperhead Could really use a coffee. 081313 #copperhead "Nothing. I didn't see him." 081413 #worm You need to learn to work in the dark. 081113 Do at least 10 push-ups right now. #meerkat 082613 #bunny yes, it is a thrill to be "not a man" 081413 #worm Okay, okay. I got it Ella, what else. 081613 #worm The guards are as corrupt as you are! 111813 #meerkat #thekeyto (groovin is groovin) 080913 That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. 081013 #dog Let's try having a Martian conversation. 081613 #worm Cum leaks whisperingly out of my ass. 185338 011914 #robotest asod oasid aoisdj aosidj ao 000095 #eel WHY NOT TODAY?????????????????????? 111813 #meerkat #thekeyto passion is surrender 081113 #dog As long as there's smoke, there's words. 090813 #worm Two men are sword fighting on my bed. 040513 #meerkat Just stop and take a walk right now. 110412 #copperhead want to know why I hate canoes? 031613 #finch The spam of your mood. 022813 #meerkat what if you were honest with people? 111813 #meerkat #thekeyto the teh-dsa is legos 081413 #worm *green tea, raspberry scone* 182415 102513 #mrgrenache