"I'd rather have the dream than the junk" - "ben," or somebody i made up; something somebody might have said, at the thing it was a school sponsored thing? well not 100% fully maybe; it was a teacher sponsored thing. approved but just barely by the school? or? the teacher who was putting it on was someone i worked with, my "collleague" or whatever. she was--had been there longer, was more confident. i was still a little--well, you know, like i am--shy or awwkward or reserved or afraid or whatever. but i was goign to the thing, ostensibly to kind of help out—help people checki in, make sure we had the stuff we needed, the clipboard, the paperwork, the t shirts, the pillows, make sure the building was unlocked. i got there first. it was like downtown-ish in a big-ish city--YOU KNOW, THAT ONE CITY, the one that's always glowing, turned ninety degrees from reality, facing an impossible direction, with ruddy lights and a connection to every other city, espeially kansas city, but never quite being anhy of them. the city that has undercurrents, is menacing but loving, awesome, quiet but loud, always about to burgeon into somehting or just plain explode. PEOPLE LIVE THERE so i got there and unlocked and i was still a little scared. a boy showed up first and i was relieved it was dark because i was embarrased because i was in my robe and had a collar on. but he was nice, he was fine. i started trying to get the sign in sheet set up rtigt. a couple more people arrived, including "ben" (gay, a little goofy, a little dangerous, always nice to me in classes, i was relieved he was there, honestly. he had some friends, mostly girls, they showed up too) eventualy the teacher showed up. more stern and businesslike and efficient than usual, you could tell she was IN HER ELEMENT now! She was herself, visible, even more unafraid than usual. it was pretty awesome. i felt like she could be my captain any day, even if i was a little afraid i was going to have done something wrong. finally i got to finish changing, and then all my fears melted away. oh my god i was beautiful. lacy, elegant, my nose was longer/thinner (you know what i mean?), i scintillated. i was more myself than ever. i smiled at the mirror and i smiled back. soft focus. walked differently, moved differently, felt different, open, like oh my god my whole long lost sense of humor came back, riverine, true, not blustery, not macho, just wide open and real. i mean it, i was so beautiful--and hot, and you could tell by the way i walked and moved my hands. and flirted. ben and his friends wanted t shirts, i found them some—yay! i had actually done something right and helped out! i still wasn't sure if i had got the sign in thing right, but the teacher didn't seem that worried about it. i figured we'd get it straightened out later. i did have to go to the bathroom, and it involved unhooking a bunch of my little lingerie stuff, laughing, is THIS what girls have to do just to go to the bathroom? there was a side narrative about an author who got kind of famous and inspired by other authors. Voice-under: "He would read [classic adventure story], and then race home and write HIS version of it. THen he would read (or was it "listen to?") [other classic tale] and then race home and write HIS version. How could the two be so different? How could every important decision the characters made be so divergent, when he wrote what, to his mind, was the obvious and true way that the story should go?" I was like yeah, i get it, author dude. I'm with you.