the other night i had one of the dreams where she is back, running things, spending my money, and there's that sunken feeling, that deflated despair, that sickly, miserably understated soul death--the lowest-key nightmares i've ever had--only this time it was ever so slightly different. I don't know if it's cause Anne suggested it, or what, but I almost got ahold of it--I almost got lucid and took over. It was like halfway--I got this suspicion that maybe it wasn't real, but I wasn't sure. In fact, it was almost like clinging to a fantasy. But cling to it I did, even with pessimism and still the sinking feeling, but it paid off, I woke up, the jelly-slow relief came slinking in, and looking back I was like yeah, that was one step closer.