my gay self is stalking me. hes pale, scrawny, nerddy, half-retarded, and sullen. He has shit-stained tighty whiteys. Hes tenacious; he followed me all the way to Barbados where I was trying to vacation with my wife and my rational self. My rational self watched helplessly as my gay self climbed into the white enamel, claw-foot bathtub in the middle of the apartment where we were staying (I dont know where my wife was; off having fun in the sun I think)--but hey! I said before he got in there. Wash your damned underwear. Wash your ass. Theres no way Im even going to think about touching you unless you get cleaned up. Okay, my gay self said. The tub was so full it almost spilled over when he lay back in it. Yourself and I are going to do it now, he said to my rational self, who didnt quite believe it, didnt want to believe it, didnt want to believe I would betray him just like that, after all this time. Turns out, my gay self aint so bad once he washes up. He gets a little darker, looks almost native, doesnt whine or talk so damn much, and goes on a hike with me up the side of a granite mountain. Whoah! I say, reaching the edge. Come here and look at this! What? Look! Its the ocean, and a spray of tiny islands. People and children are swimming in the insanely blue waters of the nearest ones. The cerulean currents swirl in and around, and lead our vision from one perfect picture to the next. We sit right on the edge, joke about falling. He gives me half his popsicle. After a while, we climb back down. We have to jump down from the bottom of the ladder at the bottom, because its not quite long enough. I have to go back and tease him because he just hangs there for a while before letting himself drop on down to the ground. (Later, or earlier, Im walking alone in Milwaukee at windy night. Some black girls are walking behind meits Center Street, by that one bar and the little park, going west, approaching Locust. The wind picks up, nudges me forward, lifts me off the ground a few inches. I spread my arms. Hey! the black girls shout. Hes flying! And I am. I go higher and higher, til I get scared, squunch my eyes shut, and go higher still. I know if I wake up I will regain control. When I wake up though, Im not really awake. I just think I am.)