Ann--I had this dream while sleeping with the phone next to the bed, waiting for you to call to say why you were displeased with me: traveling. stopped over in arkansas somewhere. Little Rock? Hot Springs? Anyway, there was a cave. Had many narrow, long corridors, many of which had been explored by professional cavers, but you could go in the first few rooms. They had made some metal doors and stuff. I had a flashlight. Went in, offered to take this girl with me--a cousin? Family friend?--who was slightly scared. My stepsister Nancy opted to go too. She had a brighter flashlight. Since I was leading, asked her to trade me. She threw the light over to me, it clattered on the stone floor, landed a foot away from a dark precipice. I scolded her. It could have fallen off, it could have broken, it could have hit someone.... Just please dont do that any more. She said okay, slightly sullen. We progressed. After the first room there was another, narrower, longer. Our dim flashlight lights played on far wall. Then we went to the left of a column, up a short steep incline, into a still narrower, darker chamber. That was as far as you could go. We came and went some. It got slightly less scary. Once I opened one of the metal doors, and saw the outside, nighttime, was it raining? A highway was nearby. It seemed like someone was coming. There were many dead leaves. Hardly needing the urgent suggestions of the others, I closed the door again. We came back one time in little tracker-style go-carts. Going up the short steep incline was fun. Then it turned out there was another door back in there, which led to a black-walled, black-floored dance-bar-rave type place. They were having a dance. I ran into a clump of people, and started a goofy dance to the techno music. Amy from HPB came up to me, ecstatic, said, oh my god its good to see you! Theyre all dancing! They havent danced like that since I was in high school! I hugged her real hard, she said, Oh! That feels good. I said wait a minute, and got a better grip and hugged her so hard her back cracked. She said Wow! Thank you! Also I met this great guy-- At which point her boyfriend came up, introduced himself, and politely cut in. He was like twelve feet tall. He offered his hand and I shook it, but he was so huge I could only grasp like two of his fingers in my hand. He was covered in colorful tattoos and had a rough but friendly face. He said of me, Oh, eager and generous! How nice! as he swept Amy away, still ranting about how cool I was. They danced away. The clump of people was thinned out. I milled by the bar a second, then went over to the wall where this kind of diffident seventies looking boy with short thick reddish hair was standing. I said hey. He said Hey. I said Whats up. He said oh nothing. I said What are you doing? He said oh just standing here thinking. I got excited, because I like talking to people who think. I said, What are you thinking about? eagerly, and he said Fates, and the future. I said Did you say fates and the future? And he said, yeah, and as I was thinking about what to ask him next, this other guy came in, looked just like him except shorter and slightly wider, and started talking to him earnestly about what they were having for supper that night, and so forth, and I stood around waiting to see if they were going to get done soon but they ignored me long enough for me to get bored. I looked around. There was a sauna off the main room, a steam room too, and a whirlpool. There was also a room with a swimming pool in it, perfectly blue and still and empty, with a sign on the door that said we couldnt go in there because it was for the actual hotel guests. The new hotel guests, actually it said, whatever that meant. Then I looked straight ahead and down a little, and behind some glass or just the suggestion of glass there was another room, kind of like an Italian bistro with warm lighting, different music, low wood tables with nice, homey tablecloths, and sitting at one of the tables was someone who looked an awful lot like glenn. I said to myself, oh, I know how this is. I have a bridge to him, all I have to do is trust it, and I stepped off a ledge into thin air, stumbled for a second and fell about a foot and a half, reminded myself to trust it, and then kept walking, one foot in front of the other, right through the middle of the air, going slightly up, saying, glenn, glenn, until i was right above him, right above his table in the other room, on the other side of the glass or whatever it was, and he had his bandanna on his head, a blue one i think it was, and he looked up and i knew i couldnt get to him and i was saying glenn, glenn, and crying, and at some point i knew i was dreaming and i knew i was crying out loud and i knew my mom and maybe my stepdad could probably hear me and i woke up in my old room, i mean my old room, the first room i had at moms house and i came out into the hall and she was there, and we talked a little small talk and i was wondering if we were going to go out for french toast or make something at home, and over by the angled-mirror closet doors she said something about nightmares and looked worried in a kindly way. I said what do you mean, and she said every night i hear you call out in your sleep and I said oh, kind of humbly. I said, well Ill tell you, what happened was--and then I caught the sound of my own voice, bouncy, high, and I said I feel like a little kid! And then I interrupted myself again to say, hey, look at the lake! Its all green, and indeed it was as I went over by the big windows and saw it was all stirred up, opaque post-storm green, with brush floating around in it and--a car! I said Hey look theres a car floating in the lake with--a dead guy in it! But then it came closer and the guy wasnt dead and his friend over by the end of our driveway was gesturing to him and yelling directions and though i gestured to him differently, trying to get him to go the other way, the guy drove what turned out to be a boat with wheels right up into our yard and started heading for the driveway, right across the yard. Mom said something incredulous but I ran outside, got in front of the boat, leaned on the bow until the little motor stopped propelling it forward. I said, You cant come through here, you know. You cant. You cant just go through here any more. Now it seemed there were two people in there, one in front and one in back, and they stared blankly. The guy in back looked like someone from Deliverance or something, disappearing chin, greasy hair, the whole bit. I rapped my knuckles on the metal covering of the outboard motor--tank tank tank!--and said Hello? Do you hear me? You cant come through here. Finally the guy in back--I had been expecting a subliterate grunt--said with a small exhalation of exasperation, simply, Okay. Then my whole tune changed and I released the bow of their boat (no I dont know why the motor was in front) and got around in back (no I dont know why the motor was back there now) to help push cuz they were having a hard time getting going again. I knew my mom was still watching. As I pushed, the motor dug into the dirt and threw red soil everywhere. Then I woke up for real, and one of the first things to go through my head was, the one I loved is dead. I thought about you, and all the things we do, and I thought how thats all good, but one thing I need to say and realize is: I like you, I care for you deeply, I respect you, I am often very turned on by you and the things you do. I want to be your friend, you are a good person, a remarkable person and a wonderful friend, but the person I am in love with is dead and I need to start getting over that in some way. This all went through my head very fast. I looked at the phone. You had not called yet. I wasnt sure what I was going to say when you did, or how I was going to feel. I wasnt sure I wanted to give you this, because I was afraid it would ruin the great psychothriller sexual trip we seem to be on. I am a little bit genuinely confused, and thats part of what excites me. Sometimes I just cant help myself, it seems. Or else I dont quite really want to help myself, Im not sure which it is. I asked myself, what would glenn think? Would he be all for my staying in this strange relationship? In some ways I think he would, and in some ways maybe he wouldnt. I mean, aside from the weird triangular stuff that was going on when he was still alive. One things for sure though, hes not going to tell me what to do. Now, today, thinking about it some more.... During a moment of lucidity, I realize I will never really mean it when I say I want to be your bitch full time. I am as sure as I can be that the only commitment I can make to you honestly is being your friend. Again, maybe Im like an alcoholic. Ill say anything to get a fix.L And I do enjoy playing kinky sex games with you, I really do. But in this current situation there is a heaviness on my heart that I am not enjoying. You have a beautiful and refreshing knack for doing unusual things, and I am honored when you want to include me in them. I get afraid that if I assert my independence at all, I will lose that. I will get left out of the crazy games. I wont get to trip with you, and I dont mean just the drugs. Is this making any sense? It is hard for me to say all this because I feel like Im being cowardly, that Im being boring, that Im giving in to some kind of mundane programming. But I guess I have to take that risk, because I have to take care of myself, take care of the metaphorical and actual dogs and so forth, and I hope after all this youll still want to play and have adventures with me.