#SUDS ##noticed so far: - continual, around-3-level background-ish events - like an email, requiring or requesting action, about something that makes me socially uneasy, regretful, or uncertain - or a conflict with the kids, again, often, if you look closely, with social ramifications—hiding behind the stock "I'm worried about their well being" is something a bit more insidious - just consciously noticing these SUDS-meter jumps *does* something - had a strong 4 or even close to 5, and guess where? At Woodman's, after selecting a bunch of wholesome, not-necessarily-cheap food items, and going through the self-checkout with the littles. Crowded, loud, over-stimulating place; dissuading the girls from “helping” with the scanning & bagging; getting ready to pay with the Quest card—it was not a relaxing moment, and I think it's because I want to get through there without being discovered and judged—hell, that's most of the reason I always go to self-checkout lines in the first place. I want to be as unnoticed, as furtive as possible. Realized I felt like an interloper—that's become a feeling so familiar that I got out of the habit of noticing it—like I didn't deserve to be at Woodmans with the legit people - Hey WOW! This is about writing too! This is why you drink to write! You are about to just go ahead and type something, but then a furtive thought happens, related to *what some unspecified (or even specified) reader will think,* the SUDS meter jerks, and you collar yourself! Drinking anesthetizes your self-collaring muscle! Think about this: why have you risked damaging and dulling yourself just to do something so inessential and fleeting and non-money-making as writing? Look back at your life, boy-o, and you tell me why. Is it because you're [insert long string of debilitating, debasing descriptors here, as the need to be in control has taught you]? Or is it because it really *is* essential, and when threatened, you found refuge wherever you could at the moment? (2015)