Remember how I was going to maybe try to write in the journal at these moments of evenings' weirdness? So I am, but briefly because I don't really want to, like when I'm half awake or less and I don't want to rescue the dream because the me that wants it recorded is not really real yet.... So how about just a few random things. - Evening doesn't start at evening, it starts quite a while before the sun even begins to go down. There are tiny sparks that go thru your mind like invisible gamma rays, that get you rolling on a particular path. Tonight it was as I was walking to Aldi to get some limes. And why would I need limes? For margaritas. Why? Because I knew evening would be coming soon, and with it all the stuff I didn't do. But then I thought, what if you were able to look at that stuff as doable, instead of overwhelming? What if it was not impossible, but instead was made up of smaller pieces that are each actually not that big a deal at all? Kind of like the hundreds of grades in the grade book! And then that little bit of a new particle got wedged in there sideways, and I forgot about it until now, and now is when I need it. - it feels good to get under the covers early, not half drunk and besotted with nachos. It reminds me of when I was young and took care of myself. It makes me feel loved. - so yes,there's unfinished business, but that's not necessarily a horrible threat. I don't have to destroy myself. Even if I do, Tomorrow still comes. Each assignment is just 1, 2, 3, or 4, whether it's a few short answers or a whole discursive treatise on a personal philosophy. Either they're all sacred or else none of them are. It makes no difference either way. You will do them, you will take a walk, you will be bored sometimes, and sometimes there will be little explosions of magic. Whatever happens next will happen next. - I was drinking to stock up on distractions, in order to get through the horrifying piercing clarity of the night. I was drinking to stop tomorrow. - it wasn't working. - I kind of pretended to think it was, but it turns out it doesn't have to. - look, this is not one of those bogus epiphanies. it's not the end. it's not the gold star. it's just one thing, that's kind of the whole point. there will be times when it doesn't hold up, isn't the moment that it is right at this moment. stability is temporary. I have the "fuck it" gene. sometimes I just dump all my index cards into a big cardboard box and mix them up. and that's OK too. I love thunderstorms. but I love being safe and dry sometimes too. - Aldi's was closed already anyway (2015)