Dude. Really? Spent $110 on sushi last night. And *then* went and bought tequila. What is it in my brain that makes me give myself permission to do this? How do I survive with no one to tell me what to do, if this is what I do? hollow tube going thru chest, cold vacuum of space I would have so much more money if I hadn't spent so much of it. can you believe it's that obvious, and still.... don't spend all your energy on hopelessness, mat, please, there's little people who believe in you I've been relying on a combination of grandparents, badgercare, and magical thinking for so long it has almost become normal. I've almost convinced myself it's good enough. and it is, until the day anything at all out of the ordinary happens and you want to be able to make a choice or have any control at all for the well being of your kids. I have to break out of this fucking egg. I have to be able to change what I spend money and energy on. pretending it's charming to be uncle Eddie. pretending being a character in a "story" makes it all OK. pretending it's all going to work out in the end without any sacrifice or extra effort, just because I'm who I am and obviously I'm special and privileged. they wouldn't let anything happen to me, right? I'm white and from a good family! I shouldn't have to suffer! it's not fair! hey I must be a VICTIM. that's why I'm on badger care and food stamps! I'm noble for being poor when I'm not supposed to be! you all should be impressed that I'm doing as well as I am, actually! pretending that periodic bouts of self-castigation make it all OK too. pretending that going to therapy and slinging a just-so story out of some brilliant archetypal epiphany I've had is going to mean everything changes, again as if by magic, like I died and my hair turned white and I came back to life looking all kick-ass and grim and was never the same after that fateful day and let me tell you the story about that day. there *is* no fucking *that day.* that one day never happens. it's just hundreds of normal days, one after another after another after another. it's whatever stupid tiny mundane things you do on the normal days that make the difference, if anything will. (2015)