what's the connection: head hurts and awake in the middle of the night from drinking how drinking sneaks up on me especially when there's whiskey involved how it always seems fine at the time how at these quiet sweaty moments it's clear that I have this magical thinking ability to ignore the truth all day—that I have NOTHING, what the fuck am I thinking, who the fuck do I think is going to take care of me when I'm old—sure, it's nice that I can run through the woods now, risking our safety for the sake of adventure, but forever? am I never going to get old? ask my ass, ask my ringing ears how I quit everything and lose my point of view as soon as things get to a certain combination of boring, hard, or pointless why everything seems to get to that point sooner or later I have nothing why? why? why? why? when am I going to admit that I have some kind of problem, and accept the kind of help and mindset I need in order to actually change the pattern I'm in, without getting distracted by drinking by TV by magical thinking by doing anything except whatever's hard boring or pointless at the moment I have nothing my head hurts I am full of fear and shame "god" help me it's so fucking late