Power: I know, that's why I said "played into..." And yet to just reverse it like that is not only oversimplifying, it's also indication of your abdicating responsibility. To just say "I had the power." Convenient but fake. just as overly simplistic as pretending you were in control. a sexual role-playing relationship doesn't exist in a vacuum. I don't want to keep rehashing this crap but i encourage to own your part in it, not claim powerlessness. kinda like how you're still trying to get something out of me about the thing with Jack. you didn't get the help and support you needed. I'm sorry. The end. i'm not your fucking therapist--*so then why am i even writing these letters at all?* (that's a question for me, btw, not her) Loved vs in love with Why are you telling me all this? It's OK. Never hold your grandchildren? I do not agree with that. conditionally. Conditionally. Long string of if then clauses. Concord in a state of arms. Programming. Tweaking stuff. Wish I'd started seeing this kind of path years ago. That's a regret I have but I'll not let it be debilitating. The girls could have certain advantages had I figured some of this out a long time ago. So in that way I can say I've hurt them too. But they do have some advantages. I'm not all good or all bad. And, hard as it may be to grasp, *neither are you.* This moment is what is real. At least I know of no better way to think about it. It is a burden but it's good. Sometimes I want to reach out to you, embrace you even, reassure you, even love you. There is a part of my vulnerable mind that screams I love you, just wants to allow it, the mud and rain and sweat of it, but that part is reined in by the protector parts. Huge huge difference about me now: I know I can't cure or save you. I guess I was pretty narcissistic in a way, I thought I was like jesus or something. I've learned a lot. I don't think you're evil because I don't think you're completely defined by that one set of things you failed to not let yourself do. Damaged, not evil. They told me it wasn't a stroke. That's weird. Nobody in that dynamic knows how to act. We all have our little pieces of it that we're decent at and our pieces we avoid. I tend to forget I'm not the only one who's extremely uncomfortable. They do fight, the vulnerable and the protective. Coherence and integration, though... I still strongly suspect that the parts themselves are all (or at least all *could* theoretically be) legitimately fundamentally on your side. I don't think the fact that they exist means there's something wrong. I think what's wrong is you haven't been able to integrate them, they don't work together for you towards a unified self-loving goal. But I'm not a professional of course. I support your right to exist and be a human being and try to heal. I know you're supposed to take responsibility. I respect that you repeatedly say that you do. I think that's important. I wonder how deeply the people that tell you to do it have thought about what it really means. Have you? It's not your fault that you were damaged. it probably wouldn't even be your fault if you were just saying what you're supposed to say. who wouldn't. look. you're seriously fucked up. i'm somewhat fucked up in some areas. adhd, whatevs. but there's no way our kids could be so FUCKING beautiful and inspired and inspiring and awesome if there weren't some good parts of both of us. And they are. so there are. (2015)