Here’s a news flash: I read about computer stuff all the time because I’m interested in it, and because I find it to be interesting and diverting (therefore easy) reading, whether I understand all of it or not at the moment of reading. I am also interested in education and pedagogy, albeit for different reasons. But I do not particularly enjoy reading about that (why not? We can explore that later). When I read about computer stuff, I sometimes get a strong sense of analogy about pedagogy. Therefore, by doing something easy and fun for me, I have learned something about something not as easy or fun. Imperative: Apply this principle to your students. Here’s an example, based on something I just read: There is no one "right" answer. It comes down to an old-fashioned policy decision. A well-chosen policy will do what most people expect, and a poorly chosen policy may be confusing and even frustrating. But in the end, Apple is faced with the daunting task of matching a single policy with thousands of different mental models of "how computers should work." Replace the various computer terms with the appropriate classroom terms, and voila! 10/03/09 My 9th grader’s, the little bastards, are really smart and engaged. Some of them, anyhow. Minus the dreadful 8 or so that try hard to fuck up every day because they’re scared. But even them. Anyway, my point. Kayrtriauna called me a bastard (and, later, a nigger). I came back into the room, threw up my hands, said, “Okay, you heard her. I’m a bastard. I don’t care. Can we get on with class now?” And somebody said, in my right ear, as I was pac- ing the boards back to the front of the room, “All right. Good way to handle that.” And that means everything. Yes, the admin, the other teachers, so-called adults can have many worthy travel tips and helps for you on your way. But the ones who really know what’s going on, the true judges, fucked up, capricious, and lightheartedly cruel as they may be, are the kids. They know. You work for them. But of course, part of your job is to filter out the 95% of what they say that’s bullshit. That’s trickier than it sounds, because that 5% can be really, really big, and everywhere at any time. Welcome! They may know what’s important, but you alone know how to lead them there. Follow the stars. Follow the tail of the great bear. Winter is coming on. Soon you can follow the belt of the great hunter. We are all hungry here. 10/16/09 Most of my 11th graders are “practicing” their scene adaptation of Ball Don’t Lie. But what they’re actually doing is playing. They’re acting silly and having fun in a dorky, childlike way. This, I surmise, is why a lot of them want to keep coming back to school. The absurdity of the environment (yes, it is absurd, no matter how pedagogically serious we may be), through its arbitrary restrictions, enables freedom of creative play. School puts up enough of a guard to allow them to let some of theirs down. They’re play-driving in their pretend car made out of desk chairs! How often, I sincerely wonder, do these teenagers get to do that kind of thing in ordinary life? Wow. Now they even drew Deontrae into the scene. Incredible. Educational? Neverthe- less, this is the part I like about it. It’s also overlapping with them showing me a window to their lives. Damn, that sounds corny. Nevertheless. Deontrae doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. That’s probably a little like real life, too. It goes from “I’m fitta hit both these b----es,” to “What’s on Nickelodeon? Man, Sponge- bob on....” Yeah, life is like that too. Wednesday, October 21, 2009 SURPRISE: Zoller kicked ass on the Fill In The Blank Poetry thing. Then he didn’t want to read it cuz it was about love. Deontrae’s replacement for “I have eaten the plums” was pretty cool, too. Wednesday, October 21, 2009 I believe I still harbor secret low expectations for many (most?) of my students. Friday, October 23, 2009 "If we just use this stuff, we could really be something. I just started thinking about that. He be teaching us plenty stuff." That's what Kaci said about Rogers while studying for the science midterm. Now. What can I teach them that will help them be somebody? How to communicate? How do we see the path to that through the thicket of disconnected conventions and exercises? Aaron G: “If a female swing like a nigger, then she can get hit like a nigger.” Jakneka L: “It’s not about you anymore.” No, printing never gave me a feeling like that. DGMW, it gave me some good feelings. But nothing like that. Monday, October 26, 2009 I don’t want to be responsible for these damn kids any more. I just want to hear the radio, listen to the lulling rhythms of speech, go to sleep, get up, drink coffee, go to work, masturbate, dream, smoke, drink coffee, go to work, go home, get fucked, and do it all over again. I want to go back to pretending to be a poet and a king. I would even like to take a little trip where I could go back to pretending to be a grown-up again. Remember that? A whiff of something very like Victoria took me back, took me way, way back just a minute ago, in the parking lot, while waiting for the damn buses to pick up these damn kids in the rain. With their lighters. Their hoodies. Their money. Their football. And their deep, deep, sad brown eyes. Tuesday, October 27, 2009 was it Mrs Price who said in the hall, “They'll drain you. But when they drain you, you can tell them the truth.” "If we just use this stuff, we could really be something. I just started thinking about that. He be teaching us plenty stuff." That's what Kaci said about Rogers while studying for the science midterm. Now. What can I teach them that will help them be somebody? How to communicate? How do we see the path to that through the thicket of discon- nected conventions and exercises? Sunday, November 1, 2009 I almost really gave up. I was in the process of self- destructing. Steve Perry (at the convention) startled me awake about this. Then I was depressed. Then Annie (as always) pulled me back. It’s not too late. We can salvage this train wreck, and then I can have some credibility when I’m trying to convince students that they can salvage their train wrecks, too. Monday, November 2, 2009 It boils down to: care or quit; micromanage your time; give extra attention to the students who are really trying; Wednesday, November 11, 2009 Intoxicating. Those certain moments are so energy dense, so emotionally immediate, they are literally intoxicating. But there’s got to be a better word, because I don’t believe they are necessarily toxic. Thursday,November12,2009 Rememberwhenitwasabigepiphanethat“playing cards is just a framework (excuse) for the real games you play while playing cards”? Well, it’s like that now, but on a whole new level. Because “teaching English” is just a framework for being with these kids. God bless them. A mask. He wore a mask; he was ashamed of his eye; she asked him out because he was afraid. Bullets fly into his house, and yet he is afraid of a little girl. Monday, November 16, 2009 Actually, I could teach my way out of a paper bag. I need to find a way to make my classroom more like a paper bag. 11/20/09 I was thinking I would ask myself, what’s something I could give to Andri- anna to show that I care, without seeming fake or patronizing or insulting, and now that I read the little bit of journal she gave me, I get it: the best gift from me would be a shot at passing English class. 11/23/09 Jenkins is annoying. Probably a better teacher than I am. But annoying. 11/24/09 Rogers didn’t let Te in because he said he smelled like marijuana. Is this the right response? Or, more to the point, is my response (“Just tell me the truth, and you can come in here”) wrong? Am I liberal, conscientious, open-minded, thinking long term, or lazy and pathetically seeking acceptance? I can see how my overuse of free days and my bendable will could be seen as a symptom of having low expectations for my students. But it isn’t that. It’s just I procrastinate, I’m tired, and I’m lazy. And—? 12/03/09 Ah, coffee. It’s so disgusting, and yet—so lovely. 12/03/09 Finally -- got a good indication that I’m doing something right vis a vis the socialization of teenaged students. KACI: [after I broke up the soap opera session with Ishanique in the hallway] Man, go on, Mr. Schulte! You always messin’ stuff up! Aaaaghhh! 12/03/09 got broke. 12/03/09 trash. Please. Haniard said it: “If you don’t enforce the rules, you’re being mean.” Yes, it’s been said a zillion by now, but it still matters: they really do want to learn. 01/10/10 I hate my job. This is not my job’s fault. I can no longer blame it on the job’s being beneath me. It’s a hard job. It requires science and art. It’s even socially re- spected. So what the fuck is my problem? I’m not willing to conclude “I’m lazy,” and leave it at that. There has to be more to it than that. Is it because I’m not happy in other areas? Is it because I’d rather be doing something else? And if yes to either of those, what do I do about it? Meanwhile, I’m going to lose 15 pounds by Spring break. How the self-styled have nor- malized. Just like they said it would be—you go from “I’m going to be a rock star ninja by 2012” to “I’m going to lose some weight.” Okay, then. Let’s do it. 01/13/10 So yeah. This last minute thing. Like smoking, has some benefits, affords some rush, goes along with some kind of caricature or self-presentation in defense against—something. But. Instead of having a pretty good midterm, I could have had a distinct version for each class, according to their respective emphases; differentiated versions for selected students who could have really used it; and a well organized alter- native copy scheme. Plus I wouldn’t have been ten minutes late and all flustered, deliv- ering it to first hour. Why am I telling myself this? Like with smoking, I already know. 01/14/10 Today’s successes: taking Marques to BK to drop off his application; buy- ing him lunch. Adapting the dramatic presentation project for Nyeisha, and helping her be able to get it done. One on one is definitely my strong point. The group dynamic, especially where differen- tiation is concerned (and it is a concern with every group), is still woefully weak. 01/06/10 This job is breaking my heart, and it’s about god damned time that fucker Kool Aid pickles. I want that. Disgusting. Crap. Out of here. Empty the Okay. I talked to Haniard. He’s good. I’m listening to him. He’s like a foil for Rogers. Anyway, the actual “learning” of the actual “material” really isn’t the point. The ones that are interested in the complexities of language (like Marques) will step up and into that on their own, provided they have a foundation from which they can do so. The foundation is the everything here. The ones who don’t give a shit, will never give a shit whether Lawrence Ferlinghetti is performing above the heads of his audience or not, well, they at least need to be able to function well enough in society, be able to choose to conform, yes, conform enough to end up somewhere besides dead, in prison, or sleeping in a doorway thinking about killing themselves. Okay? Okay. So steel yourself. We’re go- ing to line them up in the hallway starting Tuesday. Code compliant. Chain of events. Calls home. Conferences. Suspension. Expulsion. Unity. And one by one, the excuses are falling away. I am still here, I am not giving up, I am not running back to safety. I can do this. 01/15/10 Okay. Warning given, although some of the main offenders absent today. Oh well. They’ll just have to catch up. Next week: the test. 01/19/10 Okay. Let’s break it down. I actually wouldn’t mind doing this if I can ac- tually teach some stuff. It turns out I really do have some stuff that I could teach. I need some practice, but practice is something I understand and can do. Really, the only rea- son I have been thinking I don’t want to do this, is the failure to be able to teach. And that really comes from the environment. And that really can be fixed by consistent ad- herence to the rules. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. As soon as you stop caring whether or not they like you, you can really begin to work. The ones who absolutely will not fall into place will eventually (probably fairly quickly) kick themselves out if you stand up to the bullshit. Thank you, Mr. Haniard, for really getting across to me something numerous others have tried and failed to get across to me since I got into this mess in the first place. 02/02/10 9:34 am Social interaction with students, always incomplete: moments of familiarity, deceptively comforting, continually dashed by alien referents revealed often belatedly. Monday, February 22, 2010 I think Ishanique was hung over this morning. She drank a juice pouch and threw up in the hall. I felt bad for her, until I realized she probably wasn’t “sick” but just “hung over.” Then I still felt bad for her. Monday, February 22, 2010 FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Imagine that you are dying. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re no good, accept it. Read. You don’t have to take notes. Write. Graham Greene wrote 500 words a day.