(started 011615 evening) 011715 remembering more dreams dreamed of lover (in artistic black and white) dreamed of walls being down between my neighbors and me; laughing dreamed of having the lens I want--the autofocus was just fine neocortex is hungry; want to read fascinating things 011915 emotions are braver (asked Peggy how *she* was felt great outpouring of love response to anger or irritation slowed down, even when it comes I'm a little more able *and willing* to reign it in and let it go seems more natural to just be patient and nice with the girls I actually invited Celi to come up on my lap to work on reading, instead of being reluctant to and annoyed more able to say "it can wait" to actions that would interrupt the action I was intending to attend to now if only I can stop itching and racing and get to sleep 012015 am i ok to drive? think so but it almost feels like i shouldn’t be a little less afraid of people, numerous people in a classroom for instance make me feel less like clamming up social self-analysis and fear is still there, but it’s less of a big deal; seems easier to let it go and try again/go to the next thing not sure i even want to do this log/report type of thing, because why? like maybe it’ll jinx it? change trustable background vigilance into too-tweaky neocortex-y hypervigilance? something like that. So I might not keep up with this religiously. I so want this to "work" and I so don't want to take any SSRIs or anything big and scary like that. Still so many questions. "Honeymoon period"? Safe for long term? Tolerance? If it becomes "normal" how will I know what "normal" is or was? Ever need to take breaks? Continued prescriptions? how much of this is placebo? my bright selfish hopeful dream and desire for a "fix"? other things that are really that do wear off quickly. I guess we'll see. I do not expect continuous euphoria, i do not expect to not have to do any work. kind of feel like I'm "doing" something other than my usual worrying and being down on myself and pessimistic and resentful towards others around me. nit exactly sure what the something is. "noise reduction" comes to mind simultaneously less self conscious and more willing to explain stuff to the littles when they ask and not as squeamish about using certain words and phrases as I usually am. less afraid to just say the words that are in my mind instead of cooling them up, making them cool and defensive like I usually do. went to the staff restroom and looked at myself in the mirror, and I seemed a little off the focal plane or something. a little to the side. like there was something being filtered. not sure about that, I was a little concerned but didn't want to be, so I let it go for now. maybe has to do with still kind of feeling like this is cheating; stigma of drugs/mental "illness" etc like I'm getting a little better mileage--not burning quite as much fuel in order to appear sociable, reach out to a student and offer help, etc. moments of cozy, like a virtual blanket moments of background love feeling. is this placebo, cuz i know dopamine’s maybe involved? is there maybe a tradeoff in alertness, “edge,” do i feel maybe a little dopey. not stoned, but as if i was stoned recently. right now it’s after lunch and i’m sleepy I don’t want to be dopey alla time, but of course there are probably ways to try to balance that out (there is no perfect lens). remember: in itself, it is not an actual “change”. but it might help ALLOW you to make a change; ie do things a bit differently 7th hour, ddddrrrrrooowwwwwwzzzzzzyyyyyy...... home. chocolate. better. slight dread at idea of taking pm dose. I mean even when i was smoking pot, i took breaks, you know? body/mind feels a little used. tinnitus. brooding about how prescribed pharmacological is different from illicit, and how it’s not different. after supper kind of a second wind. read with celi again and it was calm and awesome again. keep hearing the refrain “i still have to do the work” but it seems like a thing like this, depending on how it develops, could help position me a tad better to be able to do the work. VERY CAUTIOUSLY optimistic. maybe a little bit wanting it to be like taking drugs made it feel a little more like taking drugs, complete with the overhang of guilt/shame that goes with that. just got the twitch (after the tension with megan and her science test, btw), for an instant got the tiny almost subconscious urge to take another one, then remembered I already took pm dose. The another-hit feeling, the potato-chip feeling, the would-like-to-abandon feeling. even had a tiny glimmer of wanting to smoke, a second ago, haven’t had that in literally years. but hey i was able to not freak out and throw a temper tantrum about how shitty itunes is (UN FUCKING BELIEVABLY SHITTY, BTW) when Libby needed me to put Enya on her ipod. guilty maybe feeling more ready to talk to people at work. like confessing to that one sub lady that sometimes I use directed as a hideout. she said been there done that 012115 2:22 am. chilled, feverish, shivering (sickness surely coincidental but still) feel very very very very not good. worried, guilty maybe. pessimistic, very sad both looking backwards & forwards, like I've been gallivanting about on drugs while my daughters need me to get a job, scared about Megan, feeling very alone as a parent. inadequate. scared to take the pill in the morning. scared not to though. don't want to go back to trudging, irritable, curled-up, afraid, pathetic little me, but NEED TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP and not be in a weird haze (how much of it is just being sick with this sinus thing?) either option seems loathsome and full of loss. first neuropsych appt is Thursday.. took a bath and calmed down considerably **HOLY SHIT. This occurred to me before, but I didn’t quite catch it: I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAME DOWN FROM A SALVIA TRIP. Like it’s been fun and suffused with warm light, and I went somewhere, but I was observing out thru the peepholes of an alternate-universe me!!!** looking back at myself in the halls earlier, the memory is vignetted at the edges, as if I had fuzzy-edged virtual blinkers on 12:13. OK I'm done. read kirsch, read Eaton fores. others. consulted my own bull headed convictions, and I'm done. that was fucked up, but educational. there's nothing wrong with me except that I'm not happy. also read in NYT "In defense of antidepressants" by the person who wrote *Listening to Prozac *, and my defiance is mellowed and more nuanced. I don't need to conclude and judge the entire field of psychopharmacology at this time. but I'm still not putting any more of those things in my mouth any time soon. 012215 I lied. noon on Thursday I took one because I missed it and wanted the nice effects back. I'm a bit tingly with anticipation. again raising the question of how much is placebo. my eyes are getting a bit weird only 40 minutes in, but that could certainly be because again I didn't have coffee today. I think I'm going to try just taking them in the day, not at night, see how that is. I guess I'll resched with the neuro just to keep things on the up and up in case I need that legitimacy later. Yes I can see that there are problems with my approach. I’m approaching it more as a drug enthusiast than as self-improvement or “medicine.” Again, where are the lines? Why is it ok to take “their” meds, but not the “illicit” ones? Each camp has a certain culture behind it. The question of course remains: is any of this going to help me get a life and take care of business, or is it just more dicking around with sensations and expectations? It almost seems like you’re not supposed to talk about prescribed meds in any way that might make them sound even slightly hedonistic. Like the whole medical framework is a way to make it culturally ok to take--even to rely on--a drug that makes you feel good. I suppose this dynamic is different for the seriously, suicidally depressed? THe part that’s most disturbing is the weird vignetted memory sink when I look back over the five days. Like I was there but now I’m somewhere else and I can’t be sure if I was really there when I was there. I guess I’ll see if that repeats if I take more? This is probably a mistake. I just really miss the higher saturation & conversation. **I guess the thing to keep in MIND is, is it helping with my stated goals: motivation, procrastination, etc.** So far wrt that, I’m CAUTIOUSLY PESSIMISTIC.