1. not knowing what to do right away with the kid in the computer lab " I did that because I am a big fat pussy, slow, weak, not a prime fighter, too old, too hesitant, too shy, a big old namby pamby useless hunk of dead wood in this organization. Always so afraid to do the wrong thing and look stupid. " 2. when mike or anyone else goes by with a scowl or ignoring or failing to make me feel welcome and visible " I don't even know how to pass someone in the hall. My throat makes weird little half-vocalizations. Smiles are fake and awkward, eye contact is this tortured contrived dance of challenge/avoidance. I assume if someone doesn't smile warmly at me that I have done something terribly wrong and it's obvious how useless and under-qualified I am and they just wish I would get out of the way because I'm weird and awkward and don't talk right or act right and I'm probably fat too with my big weird man boobs looking all asexual and weird. " 3. the pizza argument fiasco on the way from the soccer park " I wanted my kids to be like friends, I wanted us to be able to hang out at the soccer park and be tough and easy and I ignored the time and I ignored the little ones' needs because I just really wanted to use them as adult friends right then, and the little shits betrayed me by not being able to live up to it and because I injected all that weirdness into the atmosphere, they reacted by blowing up at each other over the pizza ingredients and then I blew up at them for blowing up over such a stupid thing which obviously as any non-crybaby would have been able to see is not what it was really about. Then I just sat there in the parking lot like a crazy person trying to decide what to do next. " HOTTEST: "useless" ASSOC. FEELINGS: guilty 5 hopeless 8 betrayed (aka "why me") 7 enraged 4 impotent 8 depressed 7 agitated 5 UNCONTROLLABLE FACTORS: - out of practice socializing - always been a little socially "different" - other people have their own shit going on that I don't even know about - one BS little training course isn't all you need - don't have much experience in this kind of milieu - depression both situational and chemical changes perspective on otherwise small things - habitual fear of doing the wrong move - a lot of other stuff going on in my head/life - big company not real conducive to reassuring the newbies COULD DO DIFFERENTLY: - let other people's stories be their stories - say fuck it, let them think whatever they're thinking and focus on the part of the job that's real and important; if there's a problem someone will speak up and let you know - keep taking mental notes and be open to learning from continued experience - enjoy the uncertainty; recognize (like theresa did) what you did right "Because I make mistakes when I am disappointed, depressed, vulnerable, agitated, not having my needs met, I can work to avoid these mistakes by staying as healthy as I can and looking for more positive adult connections in my life outside of parenting and work, but when they happen, the way to be kind to myself is to say, you're doing the best you can, it's not a tragedy, you are learning a lot from all these amazing experiences, and if you stay engaged, interesting things will happen."