------ ENTRY ------ Date: 2014-05-05 Words: 767 Minutes: 15 You have to provide strength when you yourself don’t feel strong. You wake from a tempestuous night of anxiety’s seas, and go upstairs to captain the innocent with reassurance and calm. All mistakes are preventable. All games are winnable. All problems are solvable. All lives are fully livable. Nothing can go wrong but will--it’s all up to you and your imaginary volition, your ability to change yourself and the world around you. A hundred percent personal responsibility means you’re a hundred percent a failure. Make that 75%. You’re doing about a quarter of what you think you should be doing now--enough to eke out a living, enough not to starve. But what are you going to do when the ones who help you are no longer able? You’re supposed to outlive them, you know. Then what? Will you finally have to grow up and be an adult when you’re 50? 60? Has it ever occurred to you that that might be too late. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. He wants to know if it has ever occurred to me. Let me ask him this: has anything else ever occurred to me, in the middle of the night, skin rough, stomach convoluted, bladder distended, eyes blackened, ass itching, belly bloated? I feel like a beached beluga every single god damned night, and this son of a bitch has the mother fucking TEMERITY to ask me whether or not IT has ever occurred to me. And my empty grenache of indignation pours out on the linoleum of then do something about it. Then do something about it. Then do something about it. Then do something about it. You have this magical world you go to. It used to require drugs or alcohol, but it never really required that. Because all it really requires is the ability to postpone. Postpone the anxiety. You simply flip a few switches you’re going to die in your brain, and then the horrible impossibility of it all suddenly seems like limitless potential, you’re going to die job opportunities around every bend, yep, I’m going to be some kind of entrepreneur, I’m going to write stuff and teach stuff, and like, I don’t know, do something you’re going to die about it. Any minute now. Maybe I’ll start this summer. Oh no wait, I’m doing something else this summer. So you’re going to die maybe I’ll start in the fall. But then there’s all that substitute teaching to be done. You know. SUBBING. Because you’re a SUB. You groveling sneaky depraved white-assed fat soft snivelling BITCH. Yeah, you like that, don’t you. You don’t have to be called a GUEST TEACHER, because you LIKE being a SUB, don’t you. You like it when these tight-lipped, high-calved, tight-tighted, high-heeled ladies with correct hair and adjusted smiles, you LOVE it when they call you a SUB. Because after everything, after you’re going to die all this stuff that supposedly has happened, all these so-called changes, after EVERYTHING, there’s still NOTHING you LIKE, you LOVE, you CRAVE, you slobbering mutt piece of SHIT BITCH, you NEED more than THAT. Is there? You’re going to die, you know. What else? presentations today, if they stall show the rest of the video. if there’s time left in a class period and nobody goes, that means everybody is late. I think that’s a diabolical and fairly clever and possibly even effective system. So if someone is holding back just because they don’t FEEL like going, like PRESENTING as we always say, even though that sounds like being a giant panda, pudenda swollen, rump up in the air, then they get that extra shot of motivation from making everybody else pay. Or they can be a hero, get over themselves, and stand up and just get it the hell over with. I hope the presentations don’t suck too hard. I was real lazy cuz I’ve got better things to do than make a real rubric and really pay attention. So it’s like whatever. Yeah, it’s informal. To me (a person who knows how to more or less act like an adult) that means you still try. To some of these kids, that’s going to mean you don’t have to give two shites about it. You can just stand up, shuffle around a little bit, say “like” a lot, and basically just basically get basic credit for basically showing up. Like. But I guess whatever. Because like, that’s basically what I’m doing this week. God I can’t wait to float. And then I’m going to miss this. I am the author of my own anxiety. ------ ENTRY ------ Date: 2014-05-12 Words: 354 Minutes: 0 Chompter shte qan. Disen hif glu cran dolh tsregulid. Mes glay brar finridinsukni; cala fru desnounentenshud. Croo mo laen? Masert buj klin reliabuv ditin frorn. Doosfun tain. Du, quov lim *Fronchart beeg* frib ler fresch dof lue krendilma snads--fef dlingur warol dleek mun nutta seyg brazarfip.Sij mes glay trew culen mo culen harvin fru dsieneld; clee mar sau banf? Klof pra feg shid vakam: jendu nuy shad “disternchin,” pre gref reting freting glerm, sti kun brawf fu ov garlerparduc. Eb sreechenjomsaklef--mee cauwl, shtan penda gin *FARMLENSALAT!!!* Hu ho. Sij croelen marfen *gank!* Trecoss mes glay brar cranfert o nah mrade Helikar. Rtat’s fhen Helikar sarndt, “Calabnone krep mes farjnehajni. Klef aurt!” Buh noshkind warblestuffik. Fed su clak; du fed morf paj. Mey seedidel, “zamkam” fuh prarm pissackel unt vune sted ournisock. Plear fourn ournisock, shtuggy? Stigle. Sti-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-igle. Hu ho, morfeest. Cak nout. Shtez. Morfez. Kilimaramajibingbof. Croo mo larneroptid. Eqiin ios frarfar gooli sigumy foochin dery. Dery quek. Pod silit ife narg conung frarben--shte tilknergad eaks marfuly goonboon parly didiwacklit. Samkum nieseron qon filduj paven hacklen marjorgeme. Saf mey glerm kealarum frey shte nargunpad. Didel fed su mar su banf kaj harber. Keasso pearlaernukibin alfer treegum. Shteg jum nearg flarber, shte treegum. Kalan mes fingtul yor gelly hoppra. Samsudolypardy kli nobe gooster peeble goosta. Kanny whily nork u dingdat. Kir lin trevy lomkly fu ov shid vakam, ov sarble karble vakami? Mes flert naut. Parg maryel. Shtee mo carbin harble stak. Kee udd marbel kabij fuk. Eap chu shte lu kabij fuk, pawng! Condonser. Sij mes oug glay du fed morf steeneehoo, fred gop formlinstab bul fuh fuh dop fuhj. Kam shte gnirble farthy Sheeste Helikar. Helikar estruv ovnev madlek derdin hocktu prar lesgur hilibanz. Carlun Helikar, bres mras prarm efen didlesedle dansinoruny. Clah Helikar flerbilakes cime, “Stak! Farn stak! Giddle stigy widum stak!” Du kil sho poow wevertooni coom sauw pran, dif klim shaton parookel virby glunglun. “Austi?” cala frimjun mes googoobud. “Neef stin,” carpork Helikart. “Kli nobe frar kil muh doogy pouwn ef rarmy stav.” Cla shte, frar moush pey, klis mee need--oom prauw! Wowoo, assfais dimle repun stuble. Farms kame deeg hoonboon. ------ ENTRY ------ Date: 2014-05-13 Words: 801 Minutes: 11 joe said throughout the throughout the na na. could so weird be back but blue did we have homework tonight in math yeah if you didn’t finish oh dean i got a cognac oh yeah that page thing yah i’m not doing that that was bullshit i was so mad at her i wanted to hit her this morning because i did everything by the directions and then she was like shhhh shut up that’s life this is my place you know it’s funny the earth has been going through cycles of cooling and warming for thousands of years so it’s nothing to worry about you jacktarded fuckwit just pick the data you want to pick to reinforce that thing you want to tell yourself but have the presence of mind to not pretend to know what the fuck you’re talking about just admit you’re powerless and submit oh my god oh my god what did she say everything dude class plastic silicone everything stone silicone who makes stone gravel i don’t know because they’re rock hard fists dude hair that actual smooth skin i mean it may i mean it’s a situation like where i leave my mom says it’s bullshit i will leave that all day he’s only perfect oh my friend in grade school used to say pertussis and shake my face like strapping by the eyebrows i think i look like cigarro from sigh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i am typing you bitches everybody in here wants attention of a certain kind some whistle some sulk some pout some tease some lie some say horrible things some whisper some wish they could just get a break some kind of a situation where they could still take up space in this room without having to do any of the what you call it what is it what is that stuff oh i don’t know, let’s call it work but everybody wants to advertise and everybody wants the big surprise even you, my iconoclastic friend are you afraid of the aide coming back? are you afraid you will be outed as a fraud yeah you’ve had a pretty good time here but you really didn’t follow your instructions at all you really are a terrible instructor i know you don’t have to be perfect but oh my god come ON, you could have at least followed the plans. you look dumb you got some sun but you still look dumb but it’s okay i kind of like you i will sit with you on this star stuffed park bench and we can make excellent mistakes together for the rest of time or at least until it starts to get cold again can you still have orgasms and shit like that yeah are you still basically what they call alive if you’re not doing work then what are you doing? are you even typing? he asked me and then i felt good because i finally got the attention i had been seeking for typing loudly my silent words of good of god of screaming i have been doing this a long time do you even want to be a fill in the blank? do you even want to be a fill in the blank? do you even care that you are poor and would be wiped out by the slightest emergency? do you care that your kids will have only basic amenities and will have to fight and struggle to get even a foothold in society? do you i mean what the fuck DO you want? are you depressed? now? is that the excuse of the day? why are they giggling so much, and is it annoying because it is annoying or because i am not included? I am too tired to be included. they are not my kids after all. they are not my daughters. when MY daughters giggle it sounds like symphonic thunder and brilliant revelation, when these kids giggle it sounds like a tired afternoon and the failures of our educational so called system. of which you are a dangling hanging atrophied complicit part admit it you want something someone you want love and sex and money and clothes and typewriters and helicopters and cheese and all the shit that everybody else wants. you want attention mostly you want to have some control over your surroundings, you would like to know why it is such a big deal that those mexican boys stole your incandescent bulbs and replaced them all with those shitty fucktarded fluorescent ones you want to have the power not to come home to the wrong light bulbs. they went in my room and changed my light bulb rape. rape. raaaaaaaaaape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ------ ENTRY ------ Date: 2014-05-22 Words: 784 Minutes: 11 it’s chrome knows all my passwords today coffee tea bondage corset airplane stewardess tea bag window smear rain drop plane drops people die in rivers all the time my indian friend that’s just how it is is not may be or not to be i don’t really know to tell you the truth about some cake is just ice cream with a head on it monsters are great i love monsters what if you could really stop yourself thinking what if you could really just go on without thinking anything what if you had to keep up a certain pace or else you would die there was no way you could go back no way to stop and think no way to censor the overflowing flow of flow in the ocean of periwinkle and blue violets some are purple some are violet some are white some are white and violet mixed to tell you the truth i’ve never actually seen any really actually blue ones what is up with that whales are blue bitch not violets what the fuck is wrong with you remember how the print shop smelled it smelled like must and musk and honesty and mistakes we could still correct shop rags chemicals ink and stuff like that you know rubber and masonry and cracked walls and the history of the corner-shaped building where the firemen used to meet up to play bingo and shoot the shit and there we were ka chunk a chunk a chunk a chunk a chunk one right after the other envelopes shooting out the chute with someone’s name on them it was truly a beautiful thing that i knew even at the time couldn’t last forever it was like a day with a perfect bag lunch on perfect dandelion grass under perfect marbled skies in wisconsin perfect summer at least that’s how i remember it ok what if you couldn’t blah blah blah for the last time i’m telling you i miss you you stupid bitch i’m not a little boy anymore but i don’t know exactly what i am i miss my friend i miss my devious sneaky selfish lying equivocating little acrid-snatched friend i wonder how she’s doing all dyking it up in the mad town all being political and acceptably off just different enough to be moderately superior i suppose we all play it safe in some ways at least she’s not a poor fat squishy white man with no future hey hey what’s this? UNDER THIS ROCK, A MAP why was caps lock on i don’t know i thought you turned it on no i didn’t turn it on i bought the cheese though where is the cheese i don’t know i thought you bought the cheese no i didn’t buy the cheese that was your job to buy the cheese oh fuck we haven’t got any cheese i miss fights like these when i was a mouse i was a mouse but at least i was a happy mouse i could convince myself that that water bottle with the drippy nozzle was the teat of heaven, i could, yes sir, my little cage with its little wheel was enough for me and there were plenty of bloated female mice they must have been doing some crazy kind of lactation experiments or something her tits was so big and juicy oh my god but that was another lifetime altogether all together now how do you know the difference between one word and two words how do you know what’s important my dead mouse friend who was really a horse said you don’t know, no matter how careful you are you are going to miss something, probably the MOST important part and he was right. it’s basically hopeless. unless you’re one of the few lucky popsicles lucky enough to be froze up in the walmart museum, you ain’t never going to be no kind of writer that anyone cares about so you might as well just chew gum and walk around and be stupid like everyone else. draw stuff in chalk on the sidewalk. it don’t pay very well but the benefits, the benefits, i mean the um the freedom, yeah, what, the independence, wait here comes the cops, here comes the street cleaners, here comes the man with the orange cone on his head where were we going what were we saying? I think we were going down to the old cafe to have some tea but the old cafe wasn’t there anymore, in its place was a gleaming blue swimming pool which if you dive in you will find everything you ever wanted in the past BUT DON’T WANT ANYMORE ------ ENTRY ------