060114 Money has to move to the front face of the hypercube now. All the other faces are still there, and important, the diet, the alcohol, the this the that, and the morning routine discipline remains foundational. I need that as a training framework for everything else. That's like learning how to walk. But now that I'm on my feet, giving serious consideration to where I'm walking to, I realize as summer is basically upon us that the PRIORITY has to be the money issue. Both in and out. All my *in's* have question marks after them at the moment: - Amy - Jimmy - Genesee - other tutoring?? writing?? retail?? factory?? printing?? summer programs or camps?? But my "out's," seriously, I need to control them. For instance I have a chromebook and a domain that I don't even know what I'm going to do with, but I don't even have enough money to get through the summer. I have allowed the inertia of habit to redraw my self-perception. There is no shame in ANY work. SO it's time to stop fucking my own anxiety in the ass, and go get some. The morning thing is about *consistency.* A reassuring, luck-attracting, home-finding force when developed appropriately. 060314 how you act, what you do, where the energy goes, how much FUCKING CRAP you stuff into your face brain and soul, depends somewhat, no not somewhat, TO A LARGE EXTENT (that's such a puffed up pansy phrase) on whether you perceive that you have anything to LIVE FOR. Well, sez you, all I have in the world to do tomorrow is barely get dressed and show up for this pointless "job" that requires for all intents and purposes (PANSY) NO EFFORT whatsoever, and furthermore nobody cares, I don't even really exist in the organization, I'm a ghost, a cipher, and nobody cares, and there's no chance of anything changing (THAT PART'S KEY), so honestly, it makes absolutely NO DIFFERENCE TO ANYONE INCLUDING MYSELF if I sit here and watch another dumb movie and insert chip after chip into my fat slot, like some deadbeat 70's teen chugging quarter after quarter into *GALAGA* down at the 7-11 across from the dirty laundromat. Fuck cares, right? EXCEPT OF COURSE THERE'S A FEW TERMS OUT OF SYNC IN THAT DEADLY LITTLE EQUATION OF YOURS. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, just saying, not to as they say mention, my ghostly satin-lipped pouty red haired ingenue gave me a slender-armed warm-skinned unexpected hug yesterday at the end of an algebra class. "How do you find *x?"* her yellow-toothed friend, just horsey and blocky enough to make *her* look even more soft-focused and candy-coated than usual, asked, and I pointed to the page and said, "It's right there." The hug had a measure of pity in it, but that's okay, I don't mind, I don't mind, it was also full of lifegiving warmth and devastation. And it's perfect, it's perfect because I'm still thinking about it. The friend, while in the fleeting moment it was going on, laughed nervously. Dan Savage, informed by Louis CK: "My advice for you: Keep working on your depression, throw yourself into nonsexual pursuits that you enjoy, find a job you like and build a career, locate and patronize (and overtip) an independent sex worker (which can help you learn to interact with women), and don’t allow bitterness to ruin you for all those women you’re gonna get with in your 40s." 060414 When the tiny little herb leaf of truth gets delivered wrapped in a toxic, abusive, violent shit sandwich. Ahhhhhhhhwkward. Like for instance, I really had become accustomed to behaving inconsiderately and selfishly about sex. Look at the beast that shotgun sprayed that message all over me. But still. question for ya. what was it about the smell of those bookstores, especially the used paperback ones, all dense and close and musty? just smelled an old paperback in the learning lab, and it took me back, uncomfortably, to biding my time while cj browsed. not like I don't like books and reading and all that shit, but yeah wow, I remember saying bookstores gave me headaches. being literate is not a black or white situation...... *neither is being a teacher!?* 060514 The fucking monkey named pile of shit or whatever his name was, won last night. I am now pregnant with a fat-suit layer of popcorn and beer. Plus I totally blew off my morning routine, and you know what? It doesn't feel good. IT'S ALL SO FUCKING CONNECTED. My overall level of optimism, hope, confidence, possibility, my ability to fight the lurking despair is SO much stronger when I do my morning the new way. Wow. Really wow. DEP'T OF AS-IF-YOU-DIDN'T-ALREADY-KNOW-THIS: Being "cool" really cripples you as a teacher. I like this, from a feminist response to a feminist critique of *Frozen*: "the easiest way to refute something is to misrepresent it entirely." Refuting made-up straw-man arguments makes you look authoritative, and if done carefully, people won't even notice that you're failing to refute what might be their *real* arguments. 060614 Just had a marathon [dream] sex session with my new girlfriend. Some before her frizzy blond friend left, some after. Then another couple came over and we switched off and did it some more. But the other girl and the other guy got distracted, and so then my girlfriend and I were like "I have an idea..." and went off to finish each other off. But we were so mischeivous, cheerful, loving about it with each other. And the phone rang and I guess it was her parents' house and she answered the phone in a whisper and i kinda tried to make her laugh and she was trying to talk to some guy about some school thing and she was trying not to laugh and she was short and rounded and punky and awesome and i felt a little cheesy saying god you're so beautiful, but it was true. Mostly i was myself, though for a moment i think i was the other guy. occasionally i was myself but i was watching myself, like when she said, "it's harder than i thought it would be." and we fucked some more. it was just so nice. not perverted, not in the strained, depraved sense. just so much companionship and affection and exercise and warm skin and fucking. and i wake up and enjoy the feeling of being in my own body for a change, and i say to myself i'm lonely, but lonely isn't exactly the right word. But god I do want a friend. The dream made me feel like genuine close affection including physical--intimacy, I guess that is, but that sounds so lame--i am still capable of, and still "deserve" as much as anybody else. Even if my asshole itches. You know and it wants to make me take care of myself. Keep iterating on this taking care of myself product that I've been developing on and off, it's time to really focus a whole sub-group on that, give them plenty of energy resources, really back them up for a change, and let them keep shipping more and more amazing products. Because they are an amazing group, there's some real genius in there, some characters with their fingers really on the pulse, and it would be a shame to cripple them through bad management or lack of vision. Which is to say, I still love myself, and I'm still alive. And god damn that feels good. And being outside with the gym classes today gave me a killer "obvious" idea for a *genuine* writing class, and I want to find a way to really make that happen. Maybe, and maybe, just maybe, see if Ray wants to get in on it. Maybe. This whole taking care of myself thing fills me with the deepest, quietest joy. My [[large nameless quiet friend]], invited back into my life. feels like, you know, *things are not that bad after all.* Nights can still be a little scary, waking up cat-grey in the screen-door starlight, shuffling to the bathroom through hanging veils of fog & doubt. You know, but night-times in minecraft can be scary too. It's still an awesome game. I perceive fewer slights, and the ones I do perceive seem vastly less devastating. 060814 - going by C&M leaves me feeling dirty - trimming my hair makes me feel refreshed - the morning pits the amazement against the anxiety; they toss like seas - experience is the bringer of imaginative ammunition - wow, what is it about having gone over there--i STILL feel hung over, like crap - part of it is material envy, but I don't think that's all of it part of the point of five things is just figuring out what the *question* is, fuck the answer! 060914 we made it thru the winter amid the ghostly smell of cat pee only to find we have to work twice as hard in the summer after going over to Erotically Appealing Jeff's palatial luxurious resort of a home, it's stretching my "values" to the limit not to feel like a complete and utter here in my hovel hands swollen from the beers it took to take the edge off i've taken some nice pictures and written some swell poems and shit though, but so yeah. nobody can waterski off those. those don't have a full bar and tall clear-doored fridge full of every possible drink. how many people can sit around and have a delightful party in one of your aching, heartfelt paragraphs? have you made a cup for your brother to drink from? otherwise i gotta say, i don't know if it's been worth it. "The difference between life and death is remarkably small." - some guy on the Internet "in order to make progress, you need to physically and mentally fight against the momentum of ordinary events. The default state of any new idea is failure. It’s the execution–the fight against inertia–that matters. You have to remember to go against your instinct, to confront the ordinary, and to put up a fight." - https://dcurt.is/the-fight 061014 From a nbc story related to the slenderman stabbing: "When you have your first crush, it behooves you to know not just that you find yourself smitten, but to ask yourself why you are smitten. That kind of self-awareness is essential to negotiating the murky waters of emerging adulthood." Yeah, like when I realized I was sad about Jennifer C because it represented a missed opportunity, not because of anything in particular about her. 061114 Okay. Become that which you seek. If you want to find good work, do good work. *I GET IT.* Now. To go from reading about it and being inspired about it, to *ACTUALLY DOING IT.* 061414 SO many internet stories about lawsuits, NSA, surveillance, satellite images that can identify specific cars and that's legal, patent and copyright trolling, all this intellectually bizarre tech--THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET REALLY WEIRD. Congratulations. You live in a science fiction book. 061514 Inordinate amount of night spent dreaming about Ann being out, and inevitably back. Why when I dream of her being out does it always include her moving back in and taking over. And always she's spending money, buying copious amounts of groceries. Making decisions. Doing stuff the old way. And I just sit there feeling sick about it, trying to convince myself that I'm just going to have to figure out how to accomodate, compromise, get along--sicker and sicker until I wake up and the relief flows over me. At one point I pretty much convinced myself that I should just let go of my conceptions of how to run my life and my family, I was just being selfish, etc etc; we were walking down the stairs at mom's house, and when we got back to the pool area bathroom, I said look, I've seen the TV shows and stuff, and I don't want to make you feel pressured, but if you ever want to talk about any of it, you can. She said ok. 061714 "In leaf-cutter ants, as the cutting parts wear down with age, workers shift to carrying material cut by others." Basically, I am Pike. His dreamberries are my mojitos. He turned out all right. But not because of isolation, remember that. Hm. Wow: "A gifted student... a student who is considered gifted and is now at a high-level university who lies down on the floor at a club meeting is generally going to be treated very differently than a developmentally disabled person who lies down on the floor in their school. The person who's at, say, MIT, is probably not going to get in trouble. The person who's labeled as developmentally disabled is very likely to get in trouble. Or how in many cases, a person who is labeled as autistic is also going to be held to a higher standard for eye contact because of the neurological differences that make it harder for us to do eye contact. - See more at: http://yesthattoo.blogspot.com/#sthash.tpLfX5Ms.dpuf" 062014 The rain smells good. 062214 a thing he started asking himself about potential partners: do I like their grammatical inconsistencies or no conventions, or do they annoy me and seem trashy? 062814 #thingsthatmeaniloveyou Mom came out the patio door to say, hey Mat, do you want me to put the capers in the vinaigrette or not? 063014 Really liking the "Wait but Why" guy's writing. "But the worst possible way to use a diamond is by accomplishing neither #1 nor #2 above. Sometimes “neither” happens when you’re in either the wrong career or the wrong relationship, and it’s often a symptom of either a shortage of courage, self-discipline, or creativity. Sometimes “neither” happens because of a debilitating problem."