Notes for next time Warning signs - drunk jokes - no reaction to my taking off - "maybe we should do more non writing stuff" - just inarticulate sense - the carefully constructed compliment, faintly patronizing, subtly detached; aka false enthusiasm. Funny how as soon as you let your vitality shine, the hungry swoop in. Like fraudsters on eBay. Funny how I've been so accustomed to thinking I was the needy one. Conditioned myself to be grateful, to latch on assuming the other knows more than I do, or has some strength I need. Used to be this starry eyed bunny following around the first coyote that knew the way through town. If it took me the whole 10 years to learn this, it was worth it. Not total mistrust, not retreating into isolation-- just the confidence to be picky. Balance? Not demonizing nor idealizing. Not all coyotes are doing it on purpose. "It's my nature." Ignition of self-protective instinct does not necessarily indicate sinister intent. No disrespect needed. Looking for someone (or someones) with similar values who ... "or else alone" Right now after making the decision to stay home I feel really energized, calm, peaceful, joyful, musical. Partly because of what I'm not doing, maybe mostly because of what I am doing--spending the whole day mostly in pajama mode with the girls. __________________________ OTOH, feeling juvenile (neoteny) foolish, vulnerable, "too old to be..." looking back at all the stupid shit i've bought, opportunities squandered like i'm the only one that's this fucking.... "story" is either salvation/redemption or else complete and utter fucking self-delusion as is the idea of that bifurcation/dichotomy "At a crossroads" but that's just a story I tell may or may not choose to tell myself too. Any stories going to do any "good"? Do they actually have power in any of the forms in which I can envision them? depends on what you’re telling yourself— how it relates to where you actually are— does what you believe about yourself & the world justify your actions? grandiosity leads to not the right place, and you can probably gauge this asking the question is challenging it. challenge the challenge, too though what do you think/believe about yourself. what image do you have self esteem: efficacy (do you affect the world; do you have power it’s not all or nothing. look at all the pieces. low self esteem leads to magical thinking, catastrophizing, black and white, etc