121513 #human #tinker kind of mourning the loss of the camera I just bought and then cancelled. but kind of celebrating the freedom that emptiness brings Now I can, guilt-free, write about absolutely nothing of significance, just to feel and hear the gentle music of the keys. Now I can, without the addict's fierce-kept distance, design a better lego-holder ($0) to hold the phone up at a nice angle in front of this grubby little keyboard not buying something is truly the best purchase you can make 120913 #human Clueless, brainless, witless, just plain stupid. That's what you is. You can't even be fat right, you stupid fuck. As soon as you declare something to be your salvation, it fails. Because there is no salvation, obviously. You thought you were having some great insight about your precious "temperament" when you were so exhausted after teaching a couple of classes, you poor thing. Turns out you were just getting sick. Ha ha. No wonder you were tired. You spent the rest of the night sweating into your sheets and having fever dreams. 121513 #human stuck inside the emptiness of your own head you know nobody can hear you you write it down (actually you type it; there is no "down" in space) because it's the only way to order your thoughts, and without order they're just a dull, numb, faintly queasy chaos you had another mini-crisis; some kind of possibly self-inflicted emptiness or panic caused you to make a rash, ridiculous, selfish purchase, which an hour or so later you recanted, thank god, you did in this case do the right thing, but the whole fleshy business has left you raw, teeming, hungry, generally weird but at least, thank god, you didn't spent that money 120813 #human #lovers You know what would be nice? 1) A house with another adult or adults in it; 2) said adult or adults being connected with me but not hideously entangled with me. Picture it: I could come into the kitchen at some hour of the evening, and someone else would be awake reading a magazine. As I cross to the fridge, they say, "I thought you were asleep hours ago," but it doesn't sound like an accusation. It sounds like a conversation. And the faded amber of the paint on the radiator complements the faded black of the starry sky outside the sweating window. And the lights in the kitchen capture it all like a perfect, breathtaking photograph. 120213 #human I just ate *ALL THE REST OF MY CANDY.* While watching TV. Yeah, still a little off balance here. 121513 #human Are they going to want to give each other gifts this year? Or will we be spared the pathos of that? Aren't real parents supposed to have gone out shopping and come back with packages? If I take them to Half Price Books, will that be good enough? Is the percussion of my fingers on the keys doing any good? Making me feel any better, a little rhythmic? But is it answering any of these questions? Holidays make you real fucking vulnerable, and if you're not ready for that, man, anything can happen. 120913 #human #fox Another stranger asked me what I "do now," and again I faltered. Substitute teacher. That just doesn't come close to saying it all. And yet, let's face it: *IT DOES.* 121013 #human #robot #fox #thirteenstones #dragon You can stop struggling to climb onto the top of the greens as soon as you're offered a chance to be even the lowliest of browns. 121513 #human too much coffee monetary mini-crisis (with, thank god, a happy ending) too much screen time christmas already masturbated already tried ASMR vids nothing left to do but tap tap tap until my hollow guts give up 121513 #human #celeste the kids will surprise you and you will surprise yourself Celeste gave me a tarot reading and it said that 120413 #human Pulling the cutting board out of the cabinet, and the rattling of the other pans in there, gives me immense satisfaction. 120413 #human I have so much advice and ten-second wisdom burbling around under my non-existent hat, I am come back around to paralyzed again. 120413 #human Also along about September or October, I decided to stop depending on coffee to get to work every day. My point is, change is possible. 120813 #human You don't notice how empty a habit is until you interrupt it, no matter how artificial it feels at first to do so. Then you can't not notice it ever again. 121313 #human Libby & Celi are running around like mad mice, heelariously giggling and flopping about. 120613 #human #ostlergundegoot #seeker I love being anonymous in public places with nothing much to do. 120813 #human #serpent Once you start eating snacks after bedtime, you want to keep eating snacks after bedtime. 121313 #human Celi, playing pet shops with Libby: Who wants to go shopping, but I'm stuck inside my own shopping bag!! 121513 #human #captainblackie Sometimes your kids don't want you to solve their problems they just want you to listen 120913 #human Who invented the idea of not having anything to say but feeling as if you were supposed to say something? 120813 #human #lovers I'm ready to grow some hair, shave, and be polyamorous. 120813 #human #robot #spoonman using the kitchen timer instead of my alarm clock 120413 #human #fox Why is the easiest part of the job so hard to just sit down and do? 120213 #human #fox It's easy to throw out food when you're full. 120213 #human the smell of popcorn and failure what work WILL you do? 120913 #human And then the little girl version of me would like to know, why are you talking to me in this disrespectful, attacking tone of voice. Oh, um. Because it amuses me, I guess. Remember? Just like the old days. Good times. Smart, sarcastic, self-deprecatory. Remember when we used to hit it like that? 121513 #human still dreading the resolution of this christmas gift debacle i just don't do it the way people do it i think it will be okay and maybe a bit necessary to relinquish a bit of control around that let them think and suggest and react and ask whatever they will then just be patient and honest 120213 #human Regarding the clinic, Peggy--there's going to come a time, and I think it may be coming really soon, when it's going to start not feeling right, because you're growing out of that particular skin. No need to freak or get righteous or disrespectful or reactionary. Just gracefully grow into the next thing. 120313 #human September I cut out alcohol--just for a month, as an experiment. November I added in daily writing. Now, December, I'm cutting out post-bedtime snacks. Just to see what it does. 120913 #human #elephant *For I'll be here* *in sunshine or in shadow* and yeah, my motherfuckin ghost, *I love you so.* 120913 #human #arena You fucker, I'm right over here! Why can't you see me? Why can't you hear what I am saying to myself? 120413 #human I thought coming to our new Starbucks would help me so-called "write," but all it's doing is making me stink like a coffee shop, and thistling my ears with damned Christmas music. 120813 #human #seeker Information is celestial; stories human. We are story engines. Stories are exhaled carbon dioxide. Our truths, lives, fates, all information encoded with and by our DNA. 120913 #human #roomfullof1000voices waiting for the fucking Internet to deliver some kind of salvation,anything besides some kind of pointless twisted clever useless joke 120213 #human If it starts to feel like wallowing, maybe it is now. Get back to work. It doesn't mean it was wallowing a minute ago. You don't have to feel bad. 120913 #human #robot I know I've said it before, but these are the new index cards. It's fucking astonishing. To think about it. After all this time, all these false starts, I'm actually back to what, 1998? 7? Not sure. Whatevs. Point is: type, stop, new, kerchunk, kerchunk, kerchunk, worry about it later. A very thick book with many small pages. Only now the structure is latent. It's not different, just better. Jay Kay. 120813 #human #lovers Just cuz you're madly in love with someone or something or life itself, doesn't mean everything's perfect and just so. But it does mean things are generally bearable, and you want to keep doing stuff. Despite the shitty parts. 120713 #human #controlroom #fox If I could get my body to be underneath my mind--if my body could be a stoker, have my mind's back--the energy would be where I need it when I need it. Instead of eating three fifths of a pizza and running away. 120413 #human #crow Santa Claus is really starting to piss me off. If I'm bold enough to be out as an atheist, I can bloody well exercise my right to tell my kids the truth about that sadistic sugarcoated son of a bitch, too. 120913 #human #demons #fox Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. What are we. What is this. Are we doing therapy here, or writing a novel? What the fuck. This is why you're always broke. Nobody cares about this shit. Not even you. 120913 #human You're right. I don't care about your stupid shit anymore. I know perfectly well what's at stake, and I'm not slipping into this old vortex with you this time. Because it's sick, and sickness just really isn't particularly sexy. Anymore. 121513 #human stressing about christmas, fucking xmas god fuck it. you know you don't have to live up to the hype, but it's so so so so so hard not to don't even have a tree yet we won't go without, thanks to loving parents, but good god i'm remembering that funereal inter-sibling gift exchange last year. Do they remember that? Megan especially seemed so depressed by the whole thing. Sad little packages poorly wrapped exchanged listlessly in the absence of the glorious tree flooded by glitz and packages that is supposed to mean America supposed to represent the success you're supposed to have when you're my age and have as many kids as I have and don't have an excuse There's that horrible language I use on myself again, again I ask, where's that coming from? I think it's pretty simple. It's coming from I DON'T HAVE A REAL FUCKING SOURCE OF DECENT INCOME. Oh yeah, that. 120213 #human If it starts to feel like wallowing, maybe it is now. Get back to work. It doesn't mean it was wallowing a minute ago. You don't have to feel bad. 120913 #human #demons The self doubt and uncertainty and fear can seem almost overwhelming at times in the middle of the night, can't sleep, trashy dreams, thick emptiness riding up on you, feeling delusional and losing, letting down actual human lives who are depending on you, the information stream that is your self hideously, comically corrupted, the DamnYouAutoCorrect of your stupid soul 120413 #human #fox You've got to serve a need first, and then you can be an artist. This self-serving, wish-fulfillment thing about art being a need is a particularly twisted form of bullshit. Yes, it's a need in a way, but it is born out of serving other, tangible, physical needs. I'm not going to go to the appliance store to ask about a dryer belt, when I can plug in my model number right online. Somewhere, there's a human behind every transaction, and that human has the full potential, and my full support, to be an artist. But I'm not going to make up fake shit to be artsy about.