110413 #human when you see kids behaving badly, and there's still something about them that reminds you of your own kids, that's a vulnerable moment, a chink in the armor of how fucking obnoxious kids can be, and if you're trying to be a teacher or a counselor or a present adult or just a decent kind person of whatever age, you can stop and think for a minute that maybe they are your kids in a another universe. Like if x, y, z had happened to you instead of a, b, c, that would be your ragged little family, and you wouldn't want to just sit and scowl and frown at them all the time, any more than you want to sit and scowl and frown at your own kids now. Because that's no fun. You do want to teach them. But-- 112413 #human I told Megan, "Let Cecilia fuck up." I wanted her to use the strategy of not telling everyone what to do. But you know sometimes it's hard for her to embrace that. She stood there, leaning towards me in that ready-to-fight pose she has, arms stiffly out from her sides a little bit. The skin below her left eye quivered a little. She kept repeating it. "Okay. I'll let her *fuck up.* I'll let her *fuck up.*" I felt like she was trying to scare me or teach me a lesson. And it almost worked. But I "gave up," and kept calm, and just explained again why I didn't want her to have the burden of telling Cecilia what to do. Maybe at some level she was experimenting with the energy of saying fuck and being angry. 110913 #human #fox It's really just a re-learning of what I new a long-ass time ago. You don't need to stress and plan ahead too much. Go ahead and exist, do your day, play with your legos & your kids & do the laundry & look at trees & listen to people's conversations. Whatever. No need for the self-conscious self-improvement of it all. Just invigorate yourself with the liquor of mundane fascination. And then, *the words will come out as they want to* when it's actually time and space to sit down and type. Then & only then, and that's the only thing that time & space is for. It's elegant, it's good for your muscles, it'll keep you sane & clear. 110113 #human #trout You're not a tragic hero; you're just tragic. 112413 #human #fox we as a family definitely need more straightup classical this winter to see us through. That's my opinion I may be right or wrong. A certain amount of illusory perception that you are real and your mind exists is necessary to be an artist because without it you're just an ice cube melting in a bowl of piss. (and you might be that anyway.) 112413 #human #lifeboat #soldier #wirydog Any time you say, "we're warm in here," you invisibly underscore the possibility that sometime you might not be. Any time you can comfort your child who, disoriented, just woke up from scary or confusing dreams, *hold on.* hold her warm pajama'd body close, because you have to understand that someday you might not be able to, someday it might not be just a dream. 112413 #human But I got my room nice and small green & cozy like i like it, pretty much looks pretty similar to like 15-20 years ago. some thihgs don't change too much too fast at least. My life, my art is episodic. 112813 #human I'd call you if I thought I could stomach the fake drawl that I know would come up in my voice. 112413 #human Even though I used to fall asleep to Beethoven in the basement bedroom, it still brings warm tingly memories. 110813 #human #treefrog Why oh fucking *why* does Ervin have to talk like a fucking carnival barker all the damn time? 112413 #human Millie: My lord, I have brought nachos. Megan: Ah! You just killed me! 112713 #human Plain & simple: all the people I have idealized have something wrong with them. 112413 #human Seashells have an inside & an outside you know. But what if you are the seashell? 110113 #human #fox "move on, we guess you don't need his permission", and yet somehow I never let myself let it be important. 110113 #human You can't just go along and expect your mom or your dad or Anne or the ghost of your excuse or any random phantom people who care about you to tell you what to do or bail you out when you don't do it. 112413 #human girls watching hairy podder. popcorn, small space; many smells, heat. fur. a den of mammals surviving the winter popcorn & movies are essentially the same thing. 112413 #human #demons fear & nervousness are not exactly the same thing. I'm nervous about working at an unfamiliar school. I fear being a toothless, helpless pathetic old pauper. 112513 #human But why do we even need to do all this? Why do we need aphorisms, mnemonics, parables, passion plays, and schools? Do other animals have all this? 112413 #human #fox The 10 years was really a microcosm of the whole thing. If the words are the tenuous tenacious thread that got me through the disastrous marriage, with all its fears and failures, then the words are also the thread that is getting me through this--life. 111213 #human Why can't you see me? Why can't you hear what I am saying to myself? 112413 #human kids make messes: leave faucets dripping, toothpaste on the wall, towels on the floor, shoes on the stairs. meanwhile, liquid, buttery sunshine slides in through the bathroom window, making winter temporarily tolerable 112513 #human But why do we even need to do all this? Why do we need aphorisms, mnemonics, parables, passion plays, and schools? Do other animals have all this? 112313 #human We're simultaneously. rich & puny, opulent & squalid. It's an interesting con- trast, I guess, or maybe it isn't. Paint peels & chips off the walls upstairs while Celi takes a bath. All the tiles are on the walls around her--for now. Down here, there's music, warmth, light, toys, books, and we've been fed. Is the food we eat slowly criopling our minds, sallowing our eyes? God, who knows. 112413 #human THINK. all those naive ages we worked or played or lounged or fretted through. never imagining it would all lead to this, and of course we know that this is now, now; the "end of history", right? Except we're so much wiser and now we know that eventually we'll be looking back at this and thinking the same thing about *now* that now we're thinking about *then.* Except I'm not sure we really do know that, not really. I never planned to be poor. I never particularly planned not to be, either though. Not saying being poor gives you wisdom, certainly not nobility. But a perspective, yes, that I'd be prepared to provisionally believe. 110113 #human #poetgame Going pretty heavily into faith-debt, here. Not enough for rent right now, must sell van and camera, "we're poor" is it worth it? What kind of choices have I made? Are my sacrifices aimed true? Cuz at the hearing I remember myself saying something like "I never sacrificed anything for my writing." Not the exact words, but close enough. Then what AM I sacrificing for? Cuz typing this at 2:28am with a fever of 102º and a balance of $134, it sure feels like somebody must have let *SOMETHING* go.