091013 #human I GET TO BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE! I GET TO BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE! I GET TO BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE! I GET TO BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE! I GET TO BE WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE! 090513 #human #treefrog #martian Megan's highly charming, disarming, and frankly adorable 6th-grade homeroom teacher writes: 'Perhaps you could identify your own personal beacons if you took the time to reflect and prioritize those things that "guide" and "inspire" your own spirit.' So.... 1. the girls 2. the rest of my family 3. this is my personal heaven 091113 #human #writing The guileless hyperbole. The oblivious failure to empathize. The assumption that other people are fine. The overplaying of the solo in the first break. The scattered ore of lucidity. Joyce Carol Oates nails adolescence in *Big Mouth & Ugly Girl*. The epiphanies are authentic because they are incomplete and flawed, subject to revision though spoken in hard words. The meta is as invisible as excellent typography. You awaken with the characters, not ahead of them. 091513 #human #fish Dear fish, today Lib & I sat next to this horrible man who kept yelling at his daughter because she wasn't playing soccer perfectly enough & she wasn't ripping scalps off the opposing team & she wasn't unscrewing anybody's head and sticking it on a spike as an example to all the other losers & occasionally she made a pass a few degrees away from where it optimally should have gone & every now and then she didn't manage to get the ball away from Sheila & her team didn't win & I've heard of this kind of thing on TV shows and stuff but this is the first time I've witnessed it firsthand & what a godawful nightmare to go to an 11-year-old's soccer game on a beautiful Fall day and be half out of your seat in pain and anxiety the whole time & I mean seriously what the fuck is wrong with people? Do people like that ever see themselves satirized on TV shows & do they recognize themselves & do they feel bad because they're such hundred per cent class A pricks? Or do they just totally not get it? Tonight after his house is quiet will he feel bad and not know why? Will she? Or does she already know why all too well? And the guy's son was chubby-faced and all decked out in camo from head to toe and he looked ridiculous and I'll bet you anything he thinks he's trying to please the old man. 091713 #human A really heroic catch can redeem even the worst throw. 091013 #human #treefrog You're doing great, kid. 091213 #human I don't have to be coerced to write careful notes about the techniques and effects of the writers I'm reading. I investigate this thing -- especially when I'm healthy and clean -- no matter what else I may pick up or drop. I have real opinions about it, and they flare up in the presence of others' forged in contrasting, complementary experience. 090913 #human I really want to start typing in the morning again, to make the time more real stretched out & slow--and also just to have inhabitants on some of the lower floors. Some life, some teeming, some laundry on the balconies blowing in the city's pre-frantic sweetness. Some warmth against the pre-apocalyptic freeze. Innoculation. Make the stink of strangers palatable. Tame the work week's hyperosmic barrage. 092813 #human I'm only saying this for posterity, because I'm betting on finding it some time in the future having proved myself wrong, but maybe there is no love like in the movies. 092513 #human Geese on the soccer field, 8:00 am. "Chase them away!" cries one boy, jersey flapping in the dewy breeze, as the infinity of PE class stretches out ahead. 090913 #human People who say your look defines you aren't expressing the bigger picture. You define your look. Your energetic, unabashed manifestation legitimizes whatever you happen to look like. 092313 #human #money My self perception that I have nothing is my greatest financial enemy. 090913 #human Also it's okay to let go of porn. It's okay to let go of who you were and of who you were not. It's okay to relax the bludgeoning analysis of everyone you see as a sadly obligatory sex partner. 091613 #human #robot Classic science fiction was prescient about robots but I don't think many foresaw the lack of attendant physicality. For example the high speed trading bots sucking value out of the stock market. Behaving like an organism, physical manifestation distributed into abstraction. 091913 #human O god I want community so badly. And it's out there. I'm getting ready, putting my black duster on. There's words and surprises and hearty mutual applause on the wing. There's the sensual feast, reimagined this time, grown up, grown out, love need never fear, there's leaves tumbling over and over on wet black asphalt. 091313 #human And not just eye contact or vocalizations but also whole body language, carriage, positioning--I start to shrink or fade out of the way when anyone's coming, long before the actual moment of proximity. I'm certain people sense that; their consciousness of it and responses to it certainly vary. 090913 #human what's the sunken, aching, distant feeling in the morning? money spent, opportunities passed, love withheld, fear of strangers, time hurried and busied through, a thousand eyes turned inward? all the joy sucked out of things come back to haunt you? Just plain adult loneliness? 092013 #human god, tea is so good. "I like going to sleep hungry," she said once and I laughed jealously but now, now--I'm going to have some apple cinnamon chex. Gluten free, you know. 092413 #human Morbid thoughts? Imagining, daydreaming the most horrible? You're not sick, you're making a connection. You're inoculating yourself against apathy and obedience. 090913 #human Make it more like Cael's kitchen! Megan doesn't ALWAYS have to sit down, for instance. You don't ALWAYS have to just keep saying EAT YOUR VEGETABLES. You can let it loose a little bit, I would think. Trust your instincts. 091213 #human #crow What I want to do is teach this stuff. What I mean by teach is share, foster, spread, open, grow. Collaborate. I believe I have something to offer that is larger than myself. Now. How. Where.