062913 #martian - Now I know what I am looking for. - Not a man, not a woman, but a woman who has sex with men. I mean, I guess I've known that for a long time. And I thought I had found it. Now I have to start all over with the trust thing--but I'm wiser now, and more deliberate now, and have more and better strategies now. I've been through the fire. Now it's phoenix time. - I want a woman who still cares about me while she's doing it. Okay, maybe not while she's DOING it, but after all is said and done. I want her to bring that pain home to me. The thing with Ann was hyperbolic. It was unsustainable. Like abuse always is. Hot, but unsustainable. I want to find my parabola now. 062513 #human #eel Another solid day of work. Hoping for more good weird dreams like living at grandma and grandpas old house and the neighbor who insisted I mow the lawn and had automatronic wooden animals and it turned out a whole cotillion of scary but intriguing and sexy demons lived there like the guy with numbers in his eyes and haylee the catlike animal woman that was bare throated laid back animalistic purring smiling dangerous, or the disappearing apartment on the umpteenth floor. There was sex in these dreams, sex like I'm not dead or diseased yet, like there's still a little life in the old boy yet. And even tho I've still got a gut (as celi's all too willing to point out) my arms are getting a little pumped from toting rocks and rolls of sod, and that's fun, nobody can deny. 063013 #human just saw a whole family of baby raccoons, at least 3 babies, come out from under the back stoop. people always talk so tough about raccoons, but they make an adorable chittering sound. and they're just trying to do what all of us are doing. get stuff with their grubby little paws and stick it in their grubby masked little faces, all without getting killed or dying off. namaste, you little grubby bastards. 062513 #eel living at grandma and grandpas old house and the neighbor insisted I mow the lawn and had automatronic wooden animals and it turned out a whole cotillion of scary but intriguing and sexy demons lived there like the guy with numbers in his eyes and haylee the catlike animal woman that was bare throated laid back animalistic purring smiling dangerous 062213 #human Worked on the wall. Mental zone of some kind. Pizza Hut. Meg & mil fought as soon as alone. I pointed out that Megan had said something about Millie for no reason and she got all horrible and said she wished she could kill herself. Then I remembered I'm not supposed to get drawn into their triangular contest to be queen bitch. Whoops forgot. Must work harder on not fueling that fire in the future. Seven to one. Made celi cry about limiting number of stuffed animals in bed, because of impatient authoritarian way I handled it. Should probably work on that too. Sun set while we were watching futurama. Did not go out and take pix although it crossed my mind. Celi scared the elk away. Had love and sex dreams last night. Both genders. And a big ship. Littles back in room tonight though so less freedom. Hopefully still good dreams though. Must go see doctor as soon as home. Digestive stuff is a real problem. Why have I ignored it for 3 years? 062613 #human What if you just refused to do or say, agree to or commit to ANYTHING AT ALL that seemed, felt, or demonstrably WAS inauthentic? You might get hungry, lean, desperate or mean. And that might be good for you. You might get fucked in the ass 59 times before breakfast, and you might know something that's unknowable by any other way of living. 060913 #human I'm in the perfect space... NOW. In the one-beer zone. In the hours before sundown, the breezes before rain, the rose bush has some dead branches and some buds. My girls are vital, astonishing, unique, unstoppable. 060513 #human High school students: is that much really that funny that much of the time? 062613 #human What if you just refused to do ANYTHING inauthentic? 060113 #human Millie's making a picnic lunch for her and her sisters. She's doing it because she wants to (I think), but I'm still grateful. 062613 #human Remember when sex was everywhere? (Thanks pam) I mean, it still is, but then it was just so gobstoppingly bubblegum supersoaker inyourface wet sloppy big and fat and oiled up thighsliding EVERYWHERE. yeah, good times. 062913 #martian 1. Dad said I dug the postholes really fast, and that was nice. 2. Took Celi into town in the old truck to buy concrete, and that felt extremely, I mean almost unreasonably fantastically nice. Physicality--I held the door at the hardware store for some girls, and the one said, "*Thank* you," and in my mind I was like, "Thank *you*," and I just realized again, a couple of days after staring around the shop at Leo's auto body and recognizing something from Alvin and those days, that I really am a physical being and that's one big reason why I am not an English teacher, and there's more to it than that (isn't there always) like the popcorn that Celi and I had that the hardware store guy gave us, and the half price on the open bags of concrete, and me winking at her and her winking at me, and the old truck and the open windows and the no radio and the clouds and the pines and the dust and the vague residue of last night's dreams 3. 060113 #human Xavier just buzzed the doorbell wearing nerd glasses and a cap. Libby's talking to him. What are they talking about? That's part of her story, and his, and it just echoes out from there. There's music in my foreground and her and her neighbor-friends' background and that's part of it too. It's now right now and ever wildly will be again when she creates new experience out of memory in the future. I think that's so cool albeit a little bit scary.