070112 She taught me that all my best friends were silly, transient, unworthy. Like idle time, reflection, recorder, flute, and it's weird, too, because really I taught myself all this, under her tutelage. And she also taught me to teach myself that my own family were irresponsible, irredeemable, and downright hostile. (took you long enough, she said) Like the Y. I guess some part of me must have always known that I would get to this place someday. I just didn't know which part of me, didn't know when, and didn't know there was a part that knew it, until now, and really I still don't know whether or not there was, and it really doesn't matter because it's all backwards-looking guesswork, which isn't really guessing; it's cheating. Now, about this job thing. It's all about following the advice of the Hitchhiker's Guide. Really. I honestly believe that's the main thing. And remember: *The Ramans do everything in threes!* So if all this other odd, quirky, essential shit is coming back, maybe *that other thing* could be coming back, too. The one thing she pretended not to not understand more than anything else. The one thing I pretended to still recognize. But maybe we'll come back. The duck sucks. I hate to see a dump. Yes, that's right Granpa, I'm talking about... Pershidium. Maybe. Just maybe. The pretending was certainly a thin thread. But a thin thread is all you need to cross a gorge, when your bare feet are callused, and knowing, and browned by the sun. coming out of isolation using things i learned last time no shame no fear flexibility open-mindedness what i want from my job: I want to be good at it. I want to feel special. I want to not dread going there. I want to be able to relax there. I want it to leave time for my kids. The false epiphany: "O mi God, I'm a T! A T! Look at me, I'm so masculine and aloof but not! Ooooooohhhh!" The second epiphany: "The T & the F both matter, if there's even really a difference. I'm both." Fuck it. I'm hereby making myself a INTFP. That's right. BIsexual, bitch! You know what? What if I do do some shit wrong. Fuck it, this is who I am. Time to unclench, and really get nasty with this bitch. 070112 Sitting in the half-lit kitchen, the sweat of a mountain of laundry drying on my forehead, listening to Millie teach school to Libby & Celi, I'm getting the feeling. You know the one I mean. I'm just going to sit here and concentrate just enough on reading & writing--just enough to stay tuned to that feeling, for as long as I can. 070612. Just an observation: with her out of the way, my love for the girls seems stronger. More often moments of transfixed appreciation for their searing, astonishing beauty well up and hold everything timeless. (I wish I had some kind of resolution about how long and how effectively she is going to remain out of the way.) The bigs are thoroughly enmeshed in the transformation into permanent humanity. Their firmware update process has been initiated. It’s good, sad, exciting--what it’s supposed to be, not without surprises of course. I don't mean to undervalue it. But the littles are still powerful aliens. Looking directly at them, locking unabashed gazes with them, remains a transcendent opportunity, a glimpse at the terrifying nakedness of the truth and beauty that existed before your stilted and dumbfounded authors ever started capitalizing on Truth and Beauty. Libby especially resonates powerfully right now. Acute, intense, a force field, a coiled spring. Cel’s wearing a brown dress that makes her look like Carolyn--a perfect modern hippy girl. (And I, of course, more the funny old bird than ever, but whatever.) 071112 the problem is, nobody creates stuff to just stare at anymore. Dude. Fuck what anybody thinks of you. You can do whatever you want right now. YOU'RE REALLY YOUNG AGAIN. How many people get to experience that? You lucky son of a bitch. 071212 We call it "the reptile brain" like some kinda insult . we think we're the cool ones who not only acknowledge it, but embrace it. but we're as scared as anyone else. we think we know how to control it, to keep it in its bounds. but we're just as scared as anyone. 071212. The best positive affirmation is necessity. I miss sex. I need to trust the place of the way. What? But that's just some imaginary hideout or island or something? WTF?! Yeah, I know, but it's like a movie or some shit. Like you have to learn to believe in fairies again or some damn thing, I don’t know. Oh, I get it. The pseudo-intellectual’s personal karate kid, right? Yeah, something like that. Hey, would you mind painting the butter? Why the fuck would you say something like that. Why the fick wouldn't I? And by the way, mister teacher man, try to be honest with yourself once in a while. I guarantee you, interesting things will happen. After it really began to sink in, one of the first things he did was I’m sorry she brought the weed, thou I'm trying not to think I'm trying too hard not to be. IT’S OKAY TO HAVE AN OPINION. It's even okay to be scared. Okay, Megan? 071312 More #gull on what the teh-dsa is and is not. Any one system or set. It lives in many things and concepts. But it does have a fondness for physical things, for things you can touch, for things that stretch and settle in. You know what? Computers had better stop trying to replicate the typewriter experience. They can't do it. They're never going to get it. Just quit trying, and let them be their own experience. Beware of being stoned, when you say, "Hey! What if I started making things again!" 071412 How come we measure punishments07 in years, but rewards in dollars? (Because you can't give someone years; you can only take them away.) 071512 We're all just optimistic peasants, aren't we. Dumbly optimistic peasants numbed by fear of war, big numbers, and our own helplessness. 071712 Look, I appreciate a nondestructive edit as much as the next guy. But sometimes, you need a good destructive edit just to keep things sane. It's not just smoke that smells--combustion does, too. How can you love prostitutes but hate lawyers? It doesn't make any damned sense. The false epiphany was allowing the T. The real epiphany is allowing the F. The *real* real epiphany is becoming both.