061207 girls - bed - takes so long - why subwoofer - cord sleep - better - how computer -weird noise - what - who cares job - hunt - do gut - too much - change farting - all the god damn time - why meat - eat less - more other stuff sex - what happened - what now write - say anything - today - why not - what if - and so on blood - cholesterol - prostate - mystery meat - the human body is a cesspool of decay fish - too loud - fix cars - too old - fix renting - too powerless - fix (see job - above) capoeira - what happened - try again whatever it is - you can’t buy it - because you can’t buy the past i guess i’m a little bit slow to change It’s no freaking wonder I weigh 190 lbs now (yes, believe it, you forward-looking freak from the past); as I sit here munching potato chips while what I REALLY want to do is.... you guessed it. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just going through all my old memories. I half despise this flashy, shiny, hyperpowerful slick bitch of a computer when I look at how rich my crumpled-up, typewritten, candle-stunk life has been.... And how oblivious I have so often been toward the people who have loved me! The ones that made me want to cry the most were (ie, I suppose, the ones I miss the most, whatever that means): My bro. Jenny Mc. Taelin (Ron, for god’s sake. “We’re at the BEARFIELD CAVe....” Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh, and I guess I miss ol’ Beth too. And Erin and of course the great Pussy Girl--you know what I mean, not demeaning in any way--and just the vines and sun and ticks and heat and crazy roads and asteroids and the fucking eclipse. You know what I mean. All that. And Oh my god. Oh my god, Scott S. I’m sorry. 061807 Finally have the wherewithal to record my old dream/journal tapes to digital files; am doing so. Haf to admit: I kinda like the sound of my own voice. But, surprising part: I sound like a fuckin redneck when I’m not tryin. Wow.... how much of an idiot I was about Katy... always trying to convince myself that if I just worked a LITTLE harder.... Heh heh. I guess that’s another one of those “note to younger self” thingies that the younger self somehow never seems to get ON TIME. Thank god! The contrast between my narrating voice, my “journal” voice, and my just woke up, talking about a dream voice.... Wow. I like the latter one the best. 061907 That thing (Jeffrey) about the strength of emotion revealed by your attempts to conceal.... Seems more true with age.......... The puppy rush of youth’s brash brook moans out with djembe madness. The newspaper and slow-tobacco burn of grown-up love wets eyes in the bookstore but does not stain the page. 062007 I hope it’s not WRONG that listening to these old tapes makes me feel like I kinda like myself. 062107 firs day o summah. My advice to pretty much anyone would be: Make journals, yes, and also make tape recordings! Including ones where you’re talking with other people! Later, you can look back at your own life with Socratic irony. It’s tres, tres bittersweet, my friend. Talk about twin pillars........ you get the most intense shame and the most sublime forgiveness when you witness your past obliviousness.