010103 This morning (which was really afternoon) we had bacon, tangerines, coffee, pancakes. This evening we are going to have smoked salmon, black-eyed peas, beer, maybe some steamed brocolli. Meggie is having milk, formula, rice cereal, mooshed pears. It has been a good day. There was a low, rumply cloud cover. It was cold out. 010203 All I want to do is fuck with junkyards. Peppering of ashes blown off the red tabletop. Informational fix. Suck in the data, shit it out as wasted time. Cafe decays around us. Me and the other tables. I am a table in the fogged light of the winter, neon my heartheart Names: stones use “the time” while short answers to questions use the middles method: the middle four digits of “the date” + the middle one or two digits of “the time.” It is a relief to consider teh-dsa photographs, not necessarily stories. I still think people should be killed for punctuation errors The camera is a research tool (toy) then. Teaches me about photographs but the teh-dsa is where I go to make mine (play). be not decieved: “teh-dsa” can be a gerund, too! for instance, “A large part of teh-dsa is sitting around waiting, watching, on the ridge as the sun fizzles into the tree trunks.” tree trunks there are no tree trunks here i can’t tell you what is here; you have to poke around in it your own self it will kill you, but then, what won’t it’s just so fucking gray out! * half reluctantly half hard; she told me to take the trash out, and i did; an old, slow turmoil begins again Just read back over (and typed to disk) the story ann wrote for me when i went to see katy that one time. parts of it still turn me on, but you know, the whole thing just left me with this tender, silly, kind of wistful affection for her and how devoted she has been to me this whole time (how else could she have written such an earnest tale of me getting the shit beat out of me by, and forced to suck the cock of some guy that was flirting with Katy in a bar?). And i didn’t even know it. Except the difference this time, how it’s different from all the other people I’ve dumped, is I know it now. 010403 Hifi americano=better than Fuel americano. Stronger, roastier! Body pain=winter flab drab. What to do. Playing with multiple “exposures” in photoshop. Why not? it’s cheap; i already own it. It would take about $100 to clean-lube-adjust my K1000. I’ll do it sometime. Not right now. Mind games. Rent, building inspector, lost wallet, bills, marriage, planes, work, john, but there are plenty of tables available in here. the approximate joy of almost forgetting everything but this: simon & garfunkel record playing in yellow-table-top cafe, winter * Your basic 400 speed color neg film. A cheap scanner. Photoshop. There you go. Tools for the dilletante. Or dilettante. Isn’t that great? They’re both in the fucking dictionary. God I love that. 010703 First night: pizza with Linda, Bill, Bob, Robin, Ariana, Lyndsay, Rosa, Joe, Mom. Lots of laughter. Next day: walking and basking on beach. Sleeping. Turkey dinner. Tuesday: fried fish at Salty Dog, Mote Aquarium (touching manta rays & starfishes & stuff), me sick for a while, grilled salmon. Night walk with Ann. Chilly. Wednesday: visited Rosa & Joe. She said I am quiet and handsome and Ann is good-natured. Went to the beach at Lido and saw herons. Thursday: Ann & I went up to Anna Maria, breakfast in a cafe, played in the water, many pemican pictures. Stopped at Pelican Man’s thrift store, proceeds to the Pelican Man’s bird sanctuary. Went to the mall, bought nursing clothes. Credit card declined. South to “the jetty” to see the sun set over the gulf. Surfers & kayaks. Smiling people. Back up to Waffle House. They closed Oscar S. State Park gate at six o’fucking clock! We’ll go there another time. I really like this place except for all the hyperdevelopment, strip mall clutter, and big trucks. Nocturnal hot-tub trip—Ann fell in the ocean when the surf pulled sand from under our feet. Friday: Visited French cafe Cest-La-Vie, Selby Library & Selby Botanical Gardens. Gardens good-smelling and lovely, lots of good pictures. A photography exhibit including pics of Myakka, where we’re bound tomorrow. I ordered oysters on the half shell at Barnacle Bill’s, and Ann found a tiny pearl in one of them. Saturday: Ann, Meg & I got up early to go to the beach at Greer Island which is really a peninsula. Sunrise. Groovy mossy stumps. Meg sniffly. Myakka river with hot sun, big water and gators sunning in the mud. Don grilled beef brisket back at the apt, and we packed and did laundry. 011303 Ann & I got married today, both teared up as we said “I do.” Her family was there, cheerful & noisy. You know what the funny part is? In my coat pocket I found something I thought had been stolen from me: my little taped-up bunch of lead type that says “maigh galore”— which is of course what Glenn always used to say whenever something was . . . good enough. 011403 The teh-dsa is your laboratory, your rotting growing wood. Do not punish your laboratory for not being a collection of familiar quotations. I can’t think of a damn thing to say today; maybe I’ll just listen. “Beautification” usually isn’t. Pictures of the decay of “civilization” And it’s comin down dark outside / and it’s comin down dark outside I just have to say this here: there are times during the night and day when I think in getting married I have made a collosal mistake. I guess we’ll see. 011503 I think it all depends on how I play it: straightforward, honest with everyone especially me, and with the people in the house with people in it. Then I should be fine. I’m going to say this again: teh-dsa is Buton-Blatsfish for “house with people in it.” How about some more butin=blatsfish./ I think it could do you a world of good, if only in that it would loosen up thyour fingers. The best way to speak Buton-B latshfiesh is just don’t ever tstop. Except to breathe, except to breathje. The other thing that is weird about that is, I can almost not speak the inner dialogs any more. I only know the fringe lanfuages. Smoke, smoke that cigarette. 011603 The screen of this computer dims when you use the battery. Someday, we will have ones that don’t have to do that to conserve energy (either because we don’t care about conserving energy or we don’t have to conserve any more). That day, this computer will really begin to become alive. Yes it’s true the world is a scary place. It is also true I want the world to be a scary place sometimes. I gave melanie a present. It was a sunrise. I said, how do you like it, sweets? and she smiled. Her cheeks got red. And then she said, give one to Meggie too. I love her. I’m really starting to believe (again?) that some of my shit is really good. I mean, really. 011703 Of course, I was smokin dope when I said that.... So last night Ann was going to drop me off with Megan, and then go get some batteries for Megan’s swing. But Megan had been crying in the car and I was in the back with her and I couldn’t get her to stop, and that thing happened, where I lose my shit and start to throw a tantrum, and when Ann stopped the car in front of the house, I lurched out, said, Don’t tell me to calm down! I need the key. And stormed into the house, got Meggie out of her carseat. She stopped crying of course, and I was holding her, and it was fine. But the worst thing about the whole incident is that Ann didn’t go get the batteries. It was like she didn’t trust me to stay home alone with Megan after I acted like that. That’s what was the worst thing. Vib is a tinker. If someone says something, you don’t have to know who it was. Type it and give it to Vib for later. * Erputiba’s back. And he’s pissed. Correction: Erputiba’s back. And SHE’s pissed! * Note: the teh-dsa field day look best as icons!! 011803 Yweeeah, so I get schtoned and I think everything is great. Then I get unschtoned and i realize it wasn’t all as fabulous as it seemed. But that’s okay. You know why? Because what was great was that I was having a good time playing (with the teh-dsa). And I do usually end up “keeping” a few of the morsels from those times. It’s certainly worth it, to find some new games, be reminded of some things, just fuck around a little bit. One thing’s still true tho: the stoneder I get, the gayer I get. Is it enough to just leave it at that? or what is the significance Last night at Singha Thai with Ann, her fortune said, “Nostalgia preserves lessons from the past.” At first I thought it was a bunch of keerap, but now I’m not so sure. Ever since I saw “Cinema Paradiso” I’ve been carrying this “nostalgia kills” bumper sticker in my mind. It’s nice to be reminded that there are other options. Not till after Meggie’s arrival did my parents’ abiding love for me come to my consciousness fully. with what does who we are share responsibility chris says people don’t deserve forgiveness; it’s something [reluctantly?] extended despite i disagree 011903 remind me to tell you about the ring. before i let this jrnl bcome ne more useless, let me just say: i’m gay, i just got married, what the fuck am i going to do. i love my daughter. i don’t want to hurt ann. but i don’t want to disappear. and that’s the secret, meggie. you know the secret already 012103 There’s room for all the dogs on the futon up here. Good boys. Settle down. Some quiet time. I don’t know what your ma’s doing down there. Besides feeding meggie. She’s been so dark the last few days. I hate that. It’s like she takes what you try to say to help and those dark, babyfied, brooding eyes just twist it all around and it knifes back out at you as something you did wrong. Or maybe she just senses that things aren’t all right and doesn’t know what to do about it. Good boys. Just sit there on the futon and relax. Give her some space. She’s a human being too. We all need some space. I’m ready to read again. There was time when I wasn’t. Then, i was doing something else. Now, the notion of letting someone else’s words tease and enlighten invites again. Someone else’s words. They’re all all of our words! words is like people dangerously vague The thing about the aviary is there’s lots of lettuce & very little meat. But when you do see a tropical flash—or even a sultry, slow display—it’s always worth it. I think we’ll spend some time in the aviary tonight. If this be the mark of a bad man, let me be so marked. Sirens. The boys almost howled, didn’t. I heard Jd clear his throat. My new year’s resolution ( ) wasn’t a resolution (of course) tonight the teh-dsa said, give her a chance. maybe she’s not hell bent. maybe it will all work out okay. give her a chance, she’s a human. (so am i) that symmetry seems particularly important right now It also said remember everything she’s done for you. (and i for her?) yeah. why not. I almost would quell a sense I’m quietly recieving: that the teh-dsa field day is where it’s at. HA HA! Maybe it is. Maybe it is. THERE IS A SOLID THING IN ME THAT MAKES ME SIT HERE> Five aliens, one o’clock. 012203 so i was leaving the sauna, and there were two guys in there, and on my left was this big round black guy, and i decided to say something as a gambit, a fly because i’m not fishing in a stocked pond, and i said, “that’s about all the luxury i can take,” on my way out, and i swear to god that big round black guy laughed and i felt good in the shower thinking about it. a goodsmelling couple went by. the girls always smell better than the guys. they’re fresher, more honest smelling. pretty pussy. the guys are usually trying too hard. What if I were just really who I am. They sure do play some shitty songs in here. People in bars are generally obnoxious. Or noxious, anyway. Maybe we can do the impossible! “Axel’s: where the east side meets” I can’t imagine why you’d come here unless you had something in your brain you wanted to smash. 012303 the call of the rollercoaster. even the word, squished together, rollercoaster, tightens up your abdomen, above, that place where nothing else but flashlights ever go the cavern roof glitters, too brite! says a bat among bats. your boots say, why do i want to do this and you coax them into stepping maybe i am who i am murmurs the bat down into the murky treasure * be careful: she’s trying to trick you into not going to cafes/upstairs as much. don’t know what to look at; so scared am resorting to semicolons! and exclamation All right. Let’s see what Roy has to say. I just learned: it’s time to invade the rest of the computer. It’s coming clear to me what is happening here. Capoeira is what the mouth eats, eh? the obvious answer, what sustains you, what you need to survive, but also what you enjoy. Hopefully. and the less obvious answer? empire building is intrinsic Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. Crow has been mad at me because I failed to see she is a woman. What else can I say? How about this: why do I not look people in the eye when I give them tips? Would you care for some hard-core data with that? This afternoon, I called home from work. I said do you need me to come home? She said just go. I just went. Despite the jetairplane of guilt, I went. Or perhaps I rode the jetairplane of guilt.... The point is, I went. 012503 This is a ritual. I have delusions of grandeur. * At Comet, the tea costs 2 fucking thirty 8, it’s not very hot, but at least they’re friendly. This seems important for some reason right now. Got high, came here. Teh-dsa. Good stuff. Now I’m bummed. My life still beckons in wrong directions. Not all of it, mind you. Not all of it. But enough to heavy my heart. It’s working harder these days. It is afraid. I will give it all the strength I can. But I am going to need some help. Now where am I going to get that? I don’t feel like this, I do feel like that, it’s almost as if, no it is, it is, and did I mention, I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! I’m gay! * I’m sitting here jerkily typing into this thing, and I look up and this gawky kid with green magic marker hands is typing his fingers on his tabletop. I want to smile at him. I do, a little. Wind of the gods, says a funny man in here. Wind of the gods. He speaks japanese. A man says, very interesting, I don’t know if he means it. But I do. Another man comes up, says, are you fuckin lucky or what? He shatters the wind of the gods into a million icicles, and the scene goes on. What is the program? I figured I’d come down here and shake the bushes a little bit, you know. Oh man. Oh man, this is nice. I live for this couch, you know that? Yeah. Yeah. It’s a delicacy. This couch is the only thing that keeps me in the game. You know? I know what you mean. I’m going to get some creamer. Yeah. Heh. canned blues off above left I may sit here until four. And then I may go. * I have to piss again. Time to go. I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll cheer up with Megan tonight. Maybe we’ll play. The computer just got dim. I’ll plug it in when I get home. 012703 Tonight. I feel a great heaviness on my heart and a great joy. Somewhere out there, in here, wherever, there is a ship with which i remain in continual communication. Oh my god. I just realized that anyone can go wherever they want to in this house. This house with people in it. There’s no wrong number of people on the first floor, or any of the other floors within floors. Or outside, for chrissake. It’s not a prison. I’m not the police. If you throw away a bunch of text, you can always make more! 012803 I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want her to piss on me. 012803 I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want her to piss on me. 012803 I coudl’t tlel her I didn’t wna t her to piss on me. I want to open my panties to her. I want to beg her to let me beg her to do so. ! fuck If she just lets me have a boy every now and then, or at least has one herself, I’m in. Bnabe sez: I think I’ll just sit here and watch the show, for now Jesus, mat. do you really want to play this game with her? yes. why? because it fucking turns me the fuck on, do you understand? Plus: she makes me laugh. She sings like a sweet little girl. Why grieve? I do it by choice! 012903 I intervened on Kateri’s behalf. It felt good. some low voiced girl is singing “tell it like it is” the teh-dsa went thru an abstruse enweavening, telling me the crows are concealed. i am scared in my breast like a robin 013003 The queer thing is, I don’t want her to molest me again. And yet, I am wearing her collar, a short flowered skirt to entice, and a fashion slave shirt. Waiting for her to come home, tidying up 013003 I’d rather be warm than concealed today. 013003 Yes. I admit it. I choose it. I am entering a life of domestic servitude. I am owned. I am property. I am powerless. all girls cheat on me. and i can’t not want one. i’m a closet straight wimp. i’m a fucking loser. i am shit. you should shit on me. it’s what i am good for. fuck me. i am your piece of shit. anne said when i said i thought i might be gay, are you sure it’s not just your extreme love for women? and you know what? she was right. i so worship this perfect incarnation (who is stomping up the porch steps now, leaping acid into my heart) i will be anything, gay, anything for her are you home? guilty tv abandoned now, i press my nose doglike to the door descend! descend! into fat, harmony, grease, debauchery, cheap beer! descend! into everything you thought you had been taught to fear! heart bursts saranwrap thin throat waiting to hear your shoes clomp on the porch, signalling my firefly death he’s cumming in you right now and i care! astonished, dismayed, rock hard fucked up thank you \ i am cocksucker. period. be you boy or girl, if you have a cock, i will suck it for you. for free. and i will eat your shit, take care of your children, castrate myself for you and worse. if you will only I AM HAPPIEST IN SERVITUDE. the truth of that is making me throb i need my mommy to suckle me and spank me and powder me up and oil me good and and and and no mommy stop it hurts yes god yes i thought getting a bunch of pot would make me break free of your harpy’s embrace. but your talons proved stronger; rape me I want to talk to Harrison I meant to type I want to talk about Harrison & there’s nothing you can do to stop me but I didn’t but then i did, so I guess I did. But I still want to. On both counts. i will always be a slave to women. period. with their men entangled, cinderella wistful always, yes, but always, finally, a slave to women it feels good to drive around town being someone’s inferior. some definite person, superior to me, dominating me, claiming me. it makes me feel safe, secret, and unmundane i’m gay. i’m a pussy. i’m not gay. i’m a pussy. jesus, pick me, pick me, pick me, come home to me please long enough to spit on me, abuse me, paralyze me, shit on me, then go back to him, the real father of my children Kololu is my new favorite. She is husky, white skinned, black haired, throaty, raw. I don’t understand a word she says. Sometimes the other girls hate her. my dear mistress i am happiest in servitude thank you for making the street inside this paperweight world fill with virile snow the street outside my window in my mind more fierce and dangerous the street that splits me black long hard and powerless over the least of them, the only reason i’m not jerking off is i’m waiting for you waiting for you waiting for you god please yes drown me <The screen of this computer dims when you use the battery. Someday, we will have ones that don’t have to do that to conserve energy (either because we don’t care about conserving energy or we don’t have to conserve any more). That day, this computer will really begin to become alive. Yes it’s true the world is a scary place. It is also true I want the world to be a scary place sometimes. The teh-dsa invites the diaries to come into it. They resist, respectfully. The teh-dsa repeats the invitation, offers a benediction. The diaries are still afraid. The teh-dsa says, just come over here, then, and give me a kiss. You can turn around and walk away if you want to. Okay.> then you are actually home, and nothing like i expected. raw, coarse, suspicious, and i sink into the only kind of hope the desperate have... to suck it and make it better trespassers— i know you know who you are— beware! dogs live here with more heads’n you can shake a snake at! get out while you still can! treachery! open manholes! the bricks are laughing at you! sunlight opens up & swallows you whole! the sea returns and finds it in your underwear drawer! you have to go back to school! weird shit happens! look out! here comes another piano! how about a softball? would you like a pricker bush in the face? how about if i snapped it back at you, as we were walking single file in the briskly woods. would you like it then? cocksucker? thief? trespasser! ha! get down on your knees again it’s the only way to get out of here woman even the name evokes yes, the teh-dsa is a squirting cockhead. yes, you must drink of it, and yes, it is the wand that keeps you in submission to the stars go to the café, arrange my things. i’m wearing a ring. thank god for the tea because a chill just went through me (let yourself look at it) it’s silver clunky & wavy @ the same time cold & warm, all those opposites, you know freeing & enslaving, that sort of thing painful & sexy light & heavy real & imagined a pull tab i stuck my finger thru & can’t get out might as well take a drink.... i can not be broken too slowly. it is a duet, this. a waltz? i give. (she takes, she takes)... i made eye contact with the guy who i tipped tonight. fluttering, but i will always come back to whichever mama wants me. the strongest one gets me little crackpot theory: if castration is the final door in the castle (tho what is ever final?) for the true slave, it means his devotion is incontrovertibly beyond the merely physical. the ring. i like it. it’s pretty.