2026-04-06 > “Steering your course” just means making the choices that are actually available to you, in the real situation in which you find yourself, with less deference to the inner judge, and more focus on what makes you feel alive. As soon as you start living that way, you’re already “doing what you want” in an important sense – no matter how long it takes for your external circumstances to change. https://ckarchive.com/b/4zuvhehpl42rrb6ovveola6m5z04rt5hm4own vibe coded cuboid felt like a cartoon aslan “what we acquire too cheaply…” 2026-04-07 > Political commentator Ben Rhodes summed up the situation: “In the best case scenario, Trump struck a deal to reopen a Strait that was open before the pointless war he started, with [Iran] demonstrating its control over the Strait and potentially extracting fees plus sanctions relief. Thousands of innocents—including hundreds of children—dead in Lebanon and Iran for no reason. U.S. troops killed and wounded. U.S. embassies and bases in the Middle East badly damaged. U.S. standing in the world obliterated. U.S. munitions badly depleted. Hundreds of billions spent. Prices up everywhere. More global economic fallout to come. Putin strengthened and enriched. Just a catastrophic situation even in the best of circumstances. A profoundly shameful episode in American history no matter what happens next.” 2026-04-08 maybe there’s some connection between the octothorpe and the newspaper. maybe there’s some connection between your addiction to perfection and loneliness. and that’s why you want to eat endless snacks at night integrity As Rabindranath Tagore wrote, “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” feel a raw emotion brain wants to assign it a meaning (often catastrophic, seemingly permanent, self loathing, etc) that results in an “experience” — you think you’ve just realized something irredeemable about your life then yr like WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING IT’S THE SAME THING WITH PURCHASES AND SYSTEMS! Enjoying a pen, you want to make it “mean” something special about your identity, so you start shopping and learning all about inks and nibs until it isn’t fun anymore. Enjoy photography? Buy more gear to enjoy it more because it means something about you as a photographer until it isn’t fun anymore. Like typing on a typewriter? That must mean something—start perfecting and collecting, well, now imperfections aren’t acceptible anymore and it’s not fun anymore. YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER THING BECAUSE THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT MEANT SOMETHING THAT PURCHASING CAN’T ACTUALLY SATISFY. Oh, taking snapshots with yr phone was successful one day when the big camera wasn’t? can’t just take the win, it has to MEAN something, like it’s the KEY to making photography fun again… maybe you better get a new phone, whoops now you’re thinking about that instead of nah. piddy. wan. dig? anything that means something about your identity is … not what you think it is supposed to be something about identity or a guarantee of repeatable favorable outcome or good feeling it’s expensive decoys. you already have a jacket, you don’t need an extra one to tie around your waist to serve someone that couldn’t possibly acquire all the shit you fret about bc it isnt perfect (or picturesquely imperfect enough) found something cool for free by happy accident? why turn it into work and pay to try to find a whole bunch more on purpose… the “more” won’t be the same thing anyway. it literally can’t be. it can’t. no matter how convincing your inner marketing dept gets the cool thing will be fun as long as it is fun, then let it go. drop the broken stick. forget it. pick up another stick later. we’re in the woods to be together in the woods honestly, this principle applies to trying too hard to explain shit, too. lol. let it go. but i forgive myself for that. at least it doesn’t cost literal money. just sleep. it also applies to phones: > This is how it is meant to work. These online products sustain themselves by making us dependent on the content that makes us feel powerless and miserable. it’s the dispersal of the pink cloud (happened to weight loss too when it wasn’t the exciting new thing anymore) I can’t moderate (certain things). I need to regulate and simplify and non-negotiate those kinds of things, to free up my creative energy for the things I can moderate; energy after all is the ability to do work. * snax (mainly a problem at night) * buying things Those are my main ones, post-sobriety. Then there’s other sometimes more subtle manifestations, like… * phone/computer bs * obsessing over the perfect product or system It all goes hand in hand with… * avoiding work * avoiding writing, etc * avoiding people?? * self loathing??? 2026-04-14 The lake is in the past. I walk there sometimes. It’s easy enough to find; you just keep walking downhill. I guess that doesn’t always work. Downhill could lead you to the bottom of a stairwell, with a clump of last year’s leaves and a blocked off doorway to nowhere. So climbing back up and out is acceptible in the time travel maze, the maze with not merely a *z* but also a *t* axis. You go down the hill and up the hill, and down the hill and up the hill, and down the hill. At least that’s how I remember getting there before. the applause of the creek “you are loved” -- “you are beautiful” -- warring factions?? <!--maybe Bnabe’s in one of the little threefloor units now!? --> ---- whatever “they” throw in the water, “we” fish eat. doez it “matter” how “critical” or “analytical” we think we’re being about it? does the dreamer have a quantifiable responsibility—or, fuck, even opportunity—to do anything beyond the dream? The Future of Everything is Lies, I Guess: Culture 2026-04-27 1. write first 2. breathe and do or not do what it takes to keep breathing 3. show up i wish i could be that guy—shouldn’t i be that guy—maybe i should act more like that guy—yeah but no one will believe me cuz i haven’t been thru what he’s been thru—what good am i as this guy? idk, you tell me. if you SHOW UP and LET GO OF ALL THE SHIT YOU DO TO KEEP YOURSELF INVISIBLE, there will be something for you to do. you’ll see it if you let yourself see it. there will be some way to help—as the guy that you actually are. it’s ready RIGHT NOW. are you? 2026-04-28 the audience is more interesting than the show needs the show in order to exist though so the show started watching the audience the train had left the station, so the sparrows were coming in at day 554, the snax issue was getting pretty bad 2026-04-28 your brain/body)?) telling you you NEED TO FEEL BETTER comes a time when you realize, finally, SOMETIMES YOU jUST AREN’T GONNA FEEL BETTER, at least not THAT WAY, at least not RIGHT NOW then you’re free and remember, freedom is all or nothing