070325 # drumming when you let go, let go, like a kitten when you hold on, hold on like a fucking bear trap, like a fucking bear that escaped the trap one more time or the rat... LOOK FOR THE THINGS YOU DENY ARE IMPORTANT — THEY’RE PROBABLY THE IMPORTANT THINGS look for the weak-ass retroactive rationalizations — they have their own kind of wisdom too > Yet I suppose I think it’s the stupid choices that are the important ones. And I suppose I think the standard for art is that it doesn’t just play the game, but invents it. (who wrote that?) metaphors are not explanatory nor accelerators of understanding. theyre more like a post mortem. once we have reliable metaphors “for” something [new], it’s already too late we make sometimes dangerous or (unintentionally) violent assumptions when we live in the antique map of the current city life outside the phone is like the blasted planet outside the dome inside, it’s “safer” but ppl have weird proportions & fake cheer & you can’t tell what’s real metaphors are exhausted by your hypervigilance. dude, chill. give them some space James Reeves [said](https://www.jamesreeves.co/ghosts-and-gods/) “At some point the screen became the world, and now we’re haunting it.” That sounds about right. We’re the heartaching ghosts, out here walking around in the dead world, peering thru these tiny windows into what we’re missing, what we think we long for. What if we could build some kind of world here, in the afterlife? What will we build it out of? Who will it be for? How will we treat each other? How will we trust each other? What resources do we need? Do we have everything we need out here, or will we have to steal some of what we need from that other world, the escaped one, the having-fled one, the appropriated, the taken-over one, the one imprisoned behind a billion fragments of glass? July 4, 2025 what flavor pineapple is that? p— what?? chalkdust and appleseed when you realize your teachers are just people, doing a job, helping you do a job, and so are you have a good laff & then get on with it 070725 gay queer weird fem whatever (permission) art garden remodel sculpture la luna different job or do current one differently or multiple jobs? money vs dreams yoga sport diff kinds of exercise the whole prostate thing the whole sleep thing people though social, repetitive, group love(r) what kind of support for sobriety or any of the rest of it so it keeps making sense how do people teach each other (and why) house with people in it is another way to say community the city what is the city where is it where are you in it rest the consciousness, thinking, ideas, schematics, strategies, opinions, media rest sidewalk weeds tiny strawberries challenging yr assumptions as you go by ppl in the street is a good game; your seething protectionism is still there tho robin said - what if it’s something else - i’m excited - what are you willing to do *Beowulf* said - again and again 070825 what theyre doin to us slowmotion teargas green tea . too strong . $5 used to pay the rent all afternoon at rochambo, and you could smoke too, and stare down thru the hole in the floor at no tv, just people, grubby, gritty, lost, naive people and a laptop was a curiosity. other things have changed too, what’s your point? warbling sunshine terminator line on a pebble under the rivulet crepuscular crawdad hiding under the dark side 071025 # ORDINARY LIFE - sometimes I can’t tell if it’s Lily next door or one of the cats making noise 071325 #meerkat list the things yr worried abt start specific, work towards general, or start conscious, work towards subconscious or (whatever) the LAST thing on the list is the one you “do something about” or face or engage with or be with in some way basement smells wtf was on the toilet cats when we leave mom being bummed robin nr and am lit how dude kinda sucks the air outta the room kitchen people 072425 blip. blep. mleh. bzaaaaaaaaah! kik kik. ding. pdid; pdid. scacwappawau-wau-wau-wau; kaHORT. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That’s honestly how I feel. Hazy summer dumbfucks, I got the. Cain’t think or do anything. Want to be able to say I done some. Muggy outside. Ther’s so many mugs everywhere. 072625 I had an idea of how this afternoon was going to go, but it’s apparently not going to go that way. The sweaty back I had anticipated. The sinking, swirling gut — not so much. It’s those fucking gremavon again. Yulzan clearly has some kind of problem with me but won’t come out and talk to me about it, whatever the fuck it is, I’m sure it’s a whole tangled mess of half-realized stuff only some of which has to do with, you know, actually “me,” but nevertheless my heart hurts. Well, you can’t fix everything in one conversation anyway. But at least you could crack the door open a bit? Then there’s Luthsapan who I don’t even know how — like, how the hell — how is it even go to be possible to — idk and it hurts when it feels like I should be doing something about it. And Sylri — drinking? smoking, vaping whatever? Maybe? Who the fuck knows. Any time someone says “I’m not a good liar,” you gotta be suspicious. Just constant worry that I’m failing to intervene in the narrowing down of options into a single, self-destructive path. And a lot of it just has to do with feeling left out, feeling irrelevant, feeling old, left behind. Jealous, even. Let’s not lie. I’m not a good liar, you know. So there it is. There’s all that. I step back and look at it, like a custodian looking at a floor that hasn’t been mopped in a while. A closet door hanging open. Not everything is in disarray, but some things are out of place. It’s not solely my job. There are other people. There are other jobs. No, no, no, this is all wrong. Spare me the dumb metaphors. I’m not a custodian. I’m not a gardener. I’m not a muppet. I’m a bug. Look at my shiny carapice. Isn’t it nice? Stand back, observe it, check it out. Breathe. Exist. Refuse to be consumed early. Yes, I want to be used up, but not like this. The heart of the city is low, cracked, dirty, greasy, salted with trash and lost souls. It’s scary. What am I doing to make it better? OK yes it’s systemic, does that necessarily mean individuals are utterly powerless? Adjectives are like coyotes. The nagging edge of dissatisfaction rides my rib cage. It’s OK. Pedal. The mindlessness of motion percolates the sadness, the enervation right on up out of your guts. Let it wash to the surface. Let the wind gently brush it away, leaving you naked, sweaty, empty. You don’t always have to be happy. You don’t have to assume the responsibility, the burden of always being that. You don’t have to be the perfect parent, either. You did quite a bit of work. They survived this long. You can work on some other things now if you want to. Your kids don’t get to be the judge of how you did as a parent. Did you know that? Surprised? You don’t get to be either, though. Surprised? 072625 You seem on edge, says the window. It can be so transparent sometimes. No but seriously, it continues. You seem like you’re having a hard time existing as a point source of spacetime. I mean — if that was, you know, what you were trying to do — I don’t want to assume — No, you’re right, I was, yeah, I’m still interested in existing that way. It’s been a bit of a challenge lately, you know? Next to the window, window’s friend door opens. In walks a human being who looks to me just like David Foster Wallace woulda looked if he’d been less famous, or maybe before he got famous, and (obviously) before he decided he could no longer exist as a point source of spacetime. I want to smile at this young man, so I do. Therefore I exist for one small moment.