060124 bad coffee bad weather bad mood things are looking up MANTRA: “You’re not hungry, you’re ______” (although, if you’re not at all hungry, you’re probably not doing it right) I had a kat named Mantra. She ran away. I failed to run after. She was invisible. So was I. soon as i get to a song i can stand to walk away from, i’m gonna make another vodka tonic. is that a promise or a threat; only you can decide, years later, looking back... how’s your memory, old man? ---- we all have to learn how not to step on cats. forgive us. we tend to start out pretty clumsy. how you improve at a lot of stuff is: fuckin relax if dreams are sensations rolling across the tongue of consciousness, then what is the sea? 020624 the stupid thing is, most coffee shop coffee, like actual plain coffee, is not very good. And it costs twice as much as like Culvers or whatever. Just don’t do it. 060524 at some point you figger out that you’re not hungry for food, you’re hungry for companionship. Or something. Lord, I don’t know. Like, you’re not hungry for words, you’re hungry for typing, and you’re not hungry for typing, you’re hungry for sharing. You just want to feel the surface of the drum kissing the palms of your hands. Maybe some lemon water. Your needs are simple. A hot towel, an afternoon. Hot springs, a semisecret smile. Clover in the shade. These are the teas of youth. Enjoy them while they’re here, cuz after this... no more white peony what is there to say that the sins of the rain ain’t already said (lightning) 060824 As a teacher, the most important things i can do include listening, approaching everyone with an attitude of “what will you teach me”, and relinquishing my need for any particular identity, accolade, or celebrity As a human being, some of the most important questions I can ask myself include “what resources do i have,” and “what good can i do with them here and now” June 11, 2024 safe at the the bar that i own after a long day of being aware of existing no one is here but me and the happy monsters we drink we dance we fight we sing we hold each other up we walk each other home and the next day we do it all over again that juicy globe of sunset careening off the neighbors roof and chimney; drink it it wants to be drunk by you like you it wants to be drunk by someone who knows it exists sometimes all you want is an evening of not giving a shit, you know? accidents are everything; mistakes are genesis my favorite and a favorite to win is clover angel who’s your favorite horse? the one that’s made of stars she said the ones that’s made of dust and stars June 14, 2024 can hear the babies inside the bird houses. weather literally fucking perfect today; lounging on my theater-sale tubing-and-webbing chaise by my apple tree and clover and birds and all, it is as though i am miles away from somewhere, on a slow-paced vacation. incredible peanut butter and marmalade on oat bread from that one end cap at woodman’s. coffee. ability to breathe for the moment. gratitude June 15, 2024 is it possible to have grace without shame? 061724 March: 50% beast rate correlated with thc + alc; 5-lb gain. April: slightly better but ended up still at 165; May started rough because hospital and didn’t really get better; alc+thc+emo=beast JUNE: let’s try a bit of a sugar detox monday 17 169, switching back to the app for a while sunday 16 alc 2+ saturday 15 alc 5.6 felt it. can i turn it around? let’s see. hey, if lib could break up with her boyfriend, i can do this i have been drinking a bit more 🥴 👹 nope. completely failed friday 14 Maybe it’s possible to fail and ultimately succeed, as with smoking. Can you use the energy generated from getting back on full awareness/restriction/consistency for something else, like how fitzgerald said about not being “on the bottle” for writing a novel? can you push past least resistance if there’s a good reason (again)? RESTRICTIONS MAKES CREATIVITY. We know this. So you own the bar, so what —if you eat and drink all the inventory, nothing interesting will happen there. IT FEELS PHYSICALLY & MENTALLY GOOD TO NOT BE DRUNK AND STUFFED AND THE STALE ASS END OF BAKED WHEN YOU GO TO BED alc 2.5 thursday 13 alc 6–7, thc 👹 shit i keep failing. i can feel the moment the beast switch flips; sometimes hours earlier in the day. question is, what then? how do you un-flip it? wednesday 12 reading all this stuff about how hard it is to keep it off after a year, maybe impossible; what if it isn’t impossible? alc 2.3 tuesday 11 safe at the bar that i own alc, thc 👹 monday 10 alc 2.3 sunday 9 👿 saturday 8 alc 4 friday 7 👿 thursday 6 alc 3 😈 wednesday 5 164 👹 thc, alc 2.5 tuesday 4 alc 3, thc (no beast) monday 3 fucking grading, oh my god, i really probably should lose my job if i can’t do this any better than this alc 1 sunday 2 didnt eat all the sugar but ate a whole pizza i didn’t even really want; libby can’t or won’t sleep right at home & is still willing to lie to me as a go-to reaction alc 2, thc 😈 saturday 1 started out good, pushed aside warning signs, ate all the sugar and now i feel bad alc 4.5, thc 👹 ok wow. this is all about my “no things” awareness and my “picking shit off a menu” chagrin: foma has to do with buying the latest gadget even though youre laughably far from nasa or optics or supercomputer research, which connects to https://ludic.mataroa.blog/blog/i-will-fucking-piledrive-you-if-you-mention-ai-again/ the pathetic need to spend (money) made me question why we always say “spend” about time too (see https://www.themarginalian.org/2024/06/28/brodsky-boredom/ ) and that is all connected to neoliberslism as explored in https://www.compactmag.com/article/the-bleak-genius-of-michel-foucault/ “a multitude of human-body-shaped capitals, entering the sphere of circulation at birth in the hope of valorizing themselves and maximizing returns on investment over the course of their life spans.” ok so how do vomit ourselves out of this blind insanity? where the rebellion at, yo “‘The human’ was one more empty or nonexistent universal—perhaps the nonexistent universal—fulfilling a highly mobile set of functions for the various institutions that generate and redistribute power by defining humanness.” i feel like this is why nonsense and dreams are essential