when you drink {n+1}, you can’t sleep, your shit gets weird, the echoes of your own loudness clank around in your head, you’re thirsty as fuck, heartburn, feeling of decay and having missed or misread or stomped on something, vague shame, lurking despair. But yeah, sure, in the moment you talked almost as loud and fast as everyone else, so there’s that. Plus you’re spending money like an asshat and taking inquisitive forays down the path towards getting fat again. Just sayin. Oh and the apneas get aggressive and bad. i literally do not fucking care about romanticism flaubert ugly intense bald philosophers any of this shit *Homo Irrealis* p. 18. What if text isn’t just an abstraction, as purely manifested in ephemeral electrons as anything else, what if text isn’t just text after all, but does have a body and it’s the body you interact with, and that forms an essential part of your experience of it, and perhaps its of you, and that colors and redirects your relationships with everyone and everything else in your life *Handmaids Tale* What makes it so effective is how *claustrophobic* it reads. 032024 # that beat how to unconstipate a house or its denizen # i stayed after to do some classifying my brother showed up with a new backofthehand rocket prototype; he shot it out over the lake where it exploded in a puff of gelatinous crème Wanna go get some lunch? i said sure but i gotta get married right after. Bro glanced at my girlfriend who gave a little wave. my brothers a scientist i told her i know. that’s cool she said i locked up the rich mahogany curio cabinets while they chatted about astrophysics and jellyfish ready? and then we went to murfs frozen shit. if people haven’t been there they hear that and think ew, but murf just means, you know, like i got all kinds of frozen shit. what do you want? i asked for frozen seaweed and my brother ordered a turtle murf asked my girlfriend what she wanted, and the conversation went like this: “what would you like?” “cheese.” “cheese?” “cheese.” “cheese!” “cheese.” “cheese.” he wrote it all down. outside afterward on the boardwalk by the lake the planks were hot in the sun there was a fuzzy orange cat across the … being paid attention to by some kids while their mom watched with a patient mom grin. the cat was truly fuzzy, like a dandelion i wanted everyone to see how unusual and cute it was, so i kept pointing and saying hey, look at that cat, until it was out of sight. but we strolled down the dock to where the pontoon boat i’d rented-to-own sat bobbing. seagulls wheeled and sang badly my brother appeared to be taking more and more of an interest in my girlfriend who seemed to be taking an interest in the hotdog stand farther up the beach, so he offered to buy her one. guess the frozen cheese hadn’t quite done it. nah, i’ll just hang out here, y’all go ahead, i said, and i set up my aluminum and webbing lawn chair on the deck of my—my!—boat. gentle waves kicked at the pontoons and made a sound like someone carrying home half empty jugs of milk across uneven terrain. occasionally a wave would hit just exactly right and make a mellifluous metallic PLUNK. i was in love, just not with my girlfriend. watched them walk. their butts looked good together, undulating slightly with each step like buddies sitting next to each other on a piano bench we probably weren’t gonna stay married very long anyway, so i asked one of the seagulls if they would make me some coffee. They said they would. People say seagulls are weird, but you just gotta get to know em. # village idiot but i see some things i am a printing press with tentacles # that forest of giant bridge supports under the tangle of highways over by the train station? Like that, only instead of nothing under there it’s a bazaar, market, gallery, inpromptu ever shifting micro city # benoni returns to the city of his dreams only to find it dying around him # i hunger for an angled porch with sloping planks on a south side street in the golden hour # the periodicity of my wakefulness fractal seems to be in flux seems to be evolving # you “learn” things like cats can’t write and dreams have ends that doesn’t make it right # Feb 36, 1977 Jupiter in ascendance Hear the sirens? Good. Don’t wake up yet. Stiff peaks in the whipped cream ocean. You’re never “safe;” don’t you get it? That’s literally life. Losing your job. Crossing the street. Father Witch looks down from below. Danger quickens your step. It’s how you know you’re alive. You’re alive, right? Benoni returns... Some idiots had come back to their abandoned religious colony. they came in an rv and left all their shit lying around. They lit the ground on fire to clear it out and refresh the field or some shit but it started the greatest brush fire since chicago. we all had to scramble and flee. not everyone understood this yall. bukowski wasnt a god. he was just a guy. he typed out a long poetic complaint but yall read it as a instruction manual get over it i’m not depressed i’m just really fucking tired and in need of some self love and other love get over it # all the things your phone won’t let you say (& all the ways your phone won’t let you say them) say them to me tattoo them over the tendons of my wrists i won’t second guess you i won’t correct you i won’t make you try again and again getting it wrong every time [until you hurl me across the room in impotent rage] i won’t resist you, won’t swoop in and fix you i won’t not understand the sequence of words i didn’t expect you to use i won’t question your intentions i won’t make predictions i will remember it all faithfully letter for letter error for error carve it into me make me say it back to you make me fucking say it back to you make me say it in blood then crumple it up and throw it away nobody has to know 032224 > The pain point I wanted to ignore reveals itself as a source of insight. [https://www.henrikkarlsson.xyz/p/limitatons] 032724 i am in love with: - janie from tewwg - edna st vincent millay - seahawke - and maria popova, because look: she gets poetry in a way that most people don’t, in a way that’s nigh impossible to convey in a “school” setting. But you get it too, in your off moments, in your quiet moments, or in your chaotic moments. Right? Right?? https://www.themarginalian.org/2024/03/21/awakened-cosmos-david-hinton/ also i am sitting in my house. tera was on my lap until she just got up a second ago to see what libby was doing in the kitchen. it’s cool and windy outside, and tolerably warm in here. the heat just kicked on. i have a city in my dreams and a city around me in real life. i am learning about maybe it’s possible to align the two. to make their realities become juxtaposed somehow? mutually compossible? make them able to see each other? i think this kind of magic you can do (or at least start) using very simple, primitive, small material components. could be obsolete tech used in astonishing ways. # 032924 childhood: did you ride the elevator up & down for no reason? and now: do you ride the bus around for no reason? are you (still) out there looking for your [[large nameless quiet friend]]? city of my dreams divines itself into existence; will it divide itself back out?