050823 from going to the ER to getting cleared to leave PICU for a normal room upstairs at Children’s was more than four full days. There was harrowing nightmarish thrashing, kicking, clenching, silence, sputtering attempts to talk, screaming, sobbing, silence, breathing, not breathing, tubes, beeps, drugs and bullshit, this is all bullshit none of this explains any of it. her open mouth, finally breaking open after clamping shut for days, finally breaking open and first the tongue worked blindly and finally the scream broke out, high, pure, blind, piercing, full-bore out into the artificial night, the primal transmission from inside a living nightmare and now she’s chilling on the hospital bed laughing with her pretty teeth (hope the grinding so loud you could hear it from across the room didn’t do any damage), chilling with cel & amb, in an ALMOST normal rhythm, suffused with gratitude and relief and still the distant ozone rainstorm on the horizon of invigorating worry and guilt and fear and not being sure how it’s gonna be next i’m over here on the couch, superfluous for the moment thank god, sure maybe a tiny bit jealous that it’s their turn for their bond in their language, but thank god for the luxury of that kind of silly nonsense, and i remember when it was my turn, in the middle of the night, and the night, and the night, when she finally screamed, when her grim expression finally broke and she opened her eyes wild and barely half seeing and screamed I WANT MY DADDY over and over with complete lack of guile or shame or anything. i was there. 051323 maybe living in a fantasy world is the only way to stay in touch with reality sometimes maybe that’s why kids need pronouns and stuff (lol) but seriously, maybe it’s linguistic hacking. subversive shared fiction. progressive bullshit. you know, in a good way. 051423 they use the word “treatment” very loosely. “Oh she’s really participating more in group this time.” OK. Nice. How is that going to help the next time her brain kicks into exit mode and lies to my face and says she’s fine? how am i ever gonna sleep again just because it’s “shaken her” doesn’t guarantee she’s well