040923 notes for cel I’m not trying to be like 🫵 you “have” an eating disorder, but if just mentioning “oh we didn’t eat the rest of the last spinach” is enough to transform your whole mood and affect in about 15 seconds, then something is definitely out of balance. That is not something to be ashamaed of or feel guilty about. It is also not something to ignore and just hope it goes away. I can tell myself it’s not my fault that all three of your sisters got to a point where they didn’t see any way out of their stuff other than something drastic enough to require hospitalization, but if I don’t learn from that then that IS my fault. So we/you need to make different choices and try different things. If I sounded angry at the grocery store, it’s not because of you, it’s because I am angry at myself somewhat and just at the whole fucked up way the world is, and that’s also not your fault. But I’m not going to just let it go by, even if it’s awkward or annoying or if I don’t know exactly what to do. Sometimes when bad shit happens you have to use the resulting sadness, rage, grief, shock or WHATEVER as a source of energy to turn into action, change, determination—that’s more or less what wisdom is, really, and it’s on us not to waste it. 041023 when the nurse at the ER asked lib why’d you take all those tylenol, lib, crying, answered “because i wanted to die.” there was more to it than that obviously, and obviously she also wanted to live or else she wouldn’t have come out into the hallway at 2am to sputter and puke chalky bile and say “dad i have to go. i have to go.” but both of these are essential. neither of these must we ever forget. 041123 the problem: investers swooping in with no-contingency, high-risk offers because they can afford to. buying up all the affordable homes a real person could actually live in. obnoxiously, cheaply, generically “flipping” them into a soulless fake-wood-floor pit of despair. putting them back on the market for twice as much. do i have to just wait until the timing is exactly right and get lucky? wtf, man. doctorow was right, this place IS fucked up Basically i’m zoidberg saying, “One art, please.” 041323 handed myself the key to the castle of my own brain and it’s not like they are even “improving” the places. I dunno, maybe sometimes. Most of the time I bet they’re just doing some cheap disposable bullshit because the system is rigged so that this bullshit somehow gives them the “right” to add $50k to the price for no real good god damned reason whatsoever. It’s just an insult—they could raise the price WITHOUT doing that shit and people—real people—would still have no choice but to cough up the dough. The grey fake wood bullshit is just a slap in the face—here, we obliterated history and character for ya, you’re welcome, that’ll be twice how much this house was a couple months ago, thanks. ok here’s where two things come into play: faith doing something about it These are like AC and DC, sometimes you gotta sway back and forth between them a little bit, be a fuckin pendulum or some shit for a little while, rock back and forth to get you through the foggy confusing parts. Think about it: I lost Quad Graphics—but I got AC Printing. I lost Being a Teacher—but I got eAchieve. I lost Proper Relationship—but I got pissing in the sink cuz I’m a fuckin poet. I lost Marriage—but I got free will. I’m sure there are other examples. Look, just because that ONE PARTICULAR pirate ship burned up, or, ok, ok, fine, just because THOSE TWO pirate ships IN A ROW burned up, doesn’t mean they ALL will. Or look at it this way: I missed an infinity of photographs. But I got the ones I got. And “doing something about it” — that’s basically just a self-conscious secular way of saying “god helps those who help themselves.” You chuckle at the stupidity of “the system,” and accept that there’s only so much you can do about it—AND THEN YOU GO AHEAD AND DO THE THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. So for this, I don’t fucking know, maybe I should write a little letter that says, “Pick me, not a soulless investor, plz thx, we are both human beings you & I” — would it matter? Depends. Probly not. But hey. It might, and every little percentage point of hope is like another day of having clean underwear. Sometimes you gotta be grateful for the humblest little things. And if the bastards make it so the only place up for grabs is one they’ve done their number on—their sleazy, phony, bullshit neutral grey fake sunrise number on? Then fine, so be it—bend over and pay your 175 thousand monopoly moneys—and then once you get in there, rip up that fake ass shit right on up offa the floor, and see what lies beneath. Decorate with skulls. Burn some sage. Dream yourself a clown house. Follow the road to mecca. Tell em to fuck off for me, willya jake? “I really like what you’ve done with the place!” exhorts the unicorn dragon eagle harpy bitch you smuggled thru the contract with you. “Thanks!” you say, and the two of you hug and kick out your heels; meanwhile the neighbors look askance and you laugh and nail up another crooked piece of magic harmony pineapple witchcraft totem titty goddess madness charm right there up over your new front door, facing the street. 042123 so i guess i’m buying 4143 n 71st street? it’s kind of the worst of several worlds: city danger but suburban quietness; not a new house but not the rambly old kind i like; BUT it IS in milwaukee and it IS a nice house and it DOES have a nice yard and garage and WHAT THE HELL, sometimes you just go ahead with whatever you get and see what happens i guess. kind of sad about not getting either the crazy dumanstupid house in west allis or the mid house in walkers point or the craftsman house in harambee. but again. it is (wait for it, i’m gonna say it because it’s true...) what it is 042323 thoughts on move for hh mtg 042323 * buyer’s remorse re: house/neighborhood * should i have gambled on another walker’s point or near-riverwest to show up? * did i compromise my own values and get something “nice” that i don’t really “love”? * maybe. there will always be some “road not taken” regret * “.67 that you round up” * “don’t be a slave to your fantasies” * feels like (cel) (let’s be honest me too) was thinking cool city stuff would make up for cons of moving, but sees new hood as not cool or citylike (“muskego only poorer”) * ways to mitigate that? * get creative about making at least our space cool * let them be in charge of some decorating/design decisions * let them own a space (maybe the walk-thru? or the basement? depends on what i need for office) * buy them bus passes (but change phone codes and talk about phone safety) * self-defense classes? (maybe don’t mention this yet?) * people probly more often make friends at school/work than just by walking around cool places; once you make friends, you can go to cool places together * get involved, get to know people, don’t be invisible * on the other hand, pros of this house include * likely lower maintenance/repairs costs/trouble * amenities & space (we can spread out, etc) * timing (i was actually able to get it in a weirdly tight market when i didn’t want to rent again nor stay here) * it’s not a godawful flip * if we truly hate it, moving again is not an impossibility * speaking of school, that’s another thing I’m worried about. * we need to start researching how to choose one & how that works asap 042623 trust yourself = oh shit what did i just do fuck fuck fucking shit fuck me *you gotta serve someone,* said as a debonair shibboleth = who am i trying to please besides myself? *why didn’t i wait for the right type of house in the right neighborhood?* 1. i was afraid of running out of time 2. i subconsciously wanted to choose something that mom would like 3. i got seduced by a tiled basement and the implication of lower maintenance 4. i got caught up in the bidding war fantasy game 5. i’m still trying to appease a ghost “significant other” *what can i do about it?* 1. selling’s not an option for at least five years, so table that 2. do everything we can (and turn the girls loose) to make it an oasis, despite the fact it’s not a bungalow, dirty, or on the south side NEWS FLASH I still don’t fucking trust anyone including myself ya know what, i’m kinda annoyed with these students who seem so proud of themselves for being “a hothead” (or name your equivalent humblebrag) but then they just act like spoiled snotty little brat assholes 042723 “A lot of people think you can make a difference just by showing up” - Cliff, the self described senior citizen I just met during my first visit to Sherman Perk. (Spoiler alert: you can’t. It takes more than that. You have to be in a position such that what you say and do can actually make a difference. How to do that seems to remain as an exercise for the listener (me)). 042923 he also said his furnace was broken. again. two days after they finally fixed it. 043023 art. teaching. creativity. jobs. if you can’t tell the difference then what difference does it make? legit question people don’t care about things they don’t need you can force someone to need something in order to force them to care—but only for so long physicality seems to be a vulnerable spot in the AI dragons’ hide—at least for now we can’t merely “study” art/literature/science; we have to *become* it. literally. physically. we have to transmogrify ourselves in order to travel between the worlds, because this one’s showing all the signs of becoming unreal. i’ve warned you about this before. you do not want to get stuck on an unreal world. trust me. i’ve been there. it’s not pretty. so the AI can write the paper… but it can’t give YOU the experience of reading (and writing). but that seems like such an esoteric luxury item at this point. again—people don’t care about what they don’t think they need. we assume the AI is not having a conscious experience. but then why do we assume *we* are? i think i know I am, but how could i possibly know if YOU are? that’s what we used to use literature for: sending those messages back and forth, a kind of validation or hardware (software?) handshake. but is it useless for that now? does a shared fiction work once unveiled? can we subscribe ourselves a placebo with “placebo” written right on the bottle? why do we have to fight with our phones sometimes to get them to display the word we think we’re thinking of? what are we really arguing about?