070122 being afraid to face your own weaker emotions leads to being afraid to reveal your characters’, and that’s what makes you blind as a poet what are you not saying? what are you avoiding? it's probably the thing that seems most devastating like the thing under the rug behind the couch of the room where you thought the most devastating thing was because that's all you could imagine until today Remember this: Alexa rubbed up by mom, in the kitchen, and mom cooed at her softly and was nice to her. WHAT I’M WORRIED ABOUT TODAY Where we gonna live? Where mom gonna live? Who’s our neighbors gonna be this next year if both sides are moving out? Is MKE OK or not? Is Cel gonna adjust OK? Money in general. Everything costs like three fucking times as much now. Job—Is JS that shifty eyed smug bastard planning to cut me out? What then? Freedom and Democracy. Dad & Ruth—who’s gonna take care of them? Friends—I barely have any still, and I often don’t keep up well with potential old ones. Who’m I gonna “talk about things from 20 years ago” with? Love—I’m not too old, I still got a lot to give, and I’m still alone. Sexuality and shit like that—why is it STILL so hard for me to be “out” as “myself” whatever that means? Is Occam trying to tell me something here? But Occam’s not the only player in the room. Remember, hips don’t lie. Dancing by the stereo don’t lie. Dreams don’t lie. You know what it feels like to be happy and free. NOTE: FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE ABOVE, THERE ARE SOME THINGS I CAN DO OR AT LEAST TRY TO AT LEAST MAKE INCREMENTAL CHANGES, AND POSSIBLY BIG CHANGES. 070322 vulnerable alienated isolated lonely and at the bottom (there is no bottom) a sheer emptiness that terrifies me more than anything made of passion, fear, threats, or feelings it’s not abstract; it’s defined, given a hideous wireframe by the concrete: fear of losing job fear of losing democracy losing status losing the respect of my kids losing independence losing old friends losing my mind my body my parents i just can’t help feeling i could handle it if i weren’t so alone but i still don’t trust anyone to not just be complicit in running away from that emptiness or is that bullshit bullshit bullshit you have to type it three times before your iphone will accept it and remember it: but it still won’t this is bullshit or as my phone wants me to say, bulldog i don’t want to sit at my desk because that computer has all this other shit in it not laptop because that’s the school’s and the keyboard sucks not notebook because eww handwriting not typewriter because ribbons and where and noise and paranoid owner syndrome not other laptop cause i gave it to cel not buy something because fuck me not phone because it fucking sucks and is cramped and won’t fucking let me say motherfucking bullshit without a constant fucking fight fuck this i don’t need this who the fuck am i fighting with? what did i consume? why am i a consumer, always, and never just a man? note: emptiness still there 071322 Cel pulled her own tooth out with a pair of pliers to avoid having to go to the dentist to have it pulled. 071522 If you're spending money on stuff you don't NEED but have convinced yourself you need, then there's something you're worried about and you're trying to magick it away by making something perfect, complete, foolishly consistent, or emergency-proof. It means you're feeling vulnerable. It could be your own pain; it could be you're vibing with someone else's. It could be you're worried about someone you care about. It could be you feel you're letting them down, or are in danger of doing so. Perhaps you feel guilty about something. It could be the one you're worried about letting down—is you. Everything is complicated! If you actually care. AKA, GAF. If you actually pay attention, and then give yourself a little time to reflect. You would never give yourself that time if you didn't care. Learn to care without needing to sedate—or purchase—yourself into submission. 071822 i don’t write (or keep trying to write) because i need to be a writer i keep trying to write because i need to be in a house with people in it 072122 the golden age of computers was before the internet the golden age of the internet was before social media the golden age of social media was before AI & bots the golden age of AI & bots was before _____? single parenting is hard, but way easier than life when i was married for one thing, i don't feel crucified every time i make a mistake 072522 GUN CONTROL OR NOT ISN’T EVEN NECESSARILY THE POINT. THE POINT IS, we’re at war already. have been for a while. the alleged authorities refuse to admit it or even acknowledge it—it’s hard to tell who’s on what side or what the sides even are—but we get casualty reports every day so you tell me, is there a war or isn’t there? It's time to let go of the past. Quit constantly evaluating it for failure/genius ratio; it's pointless; it doesn't matter; let go and do whatever you're going to do NOW.