# 0422 041322 I buy things as a snap reaction to getting hurt or scared or disappointed or sad. Those feelings are hard. But I can do hard things. 041422 IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE IT DOESN”T MATTER WHAT LENSES YOU HAVE well I mean it *matters,* but it doesn’t, like, **matter*** matter,* yknow what i mean? good god i actually do have information sickness—just without the dolphins 041622 Remember the “failed straight” theory of homophobia—it’s not that i feel like i can’t be gay; it’s that i feel like i can’t *act* gay. because that would be an admission of weakness, a shirking of some kind of responsibility. The question is, to the extent that those responsibilities are legitimate (some are, some aren’t), how do i live up to them *and* “be myself?” Also it’s just a little embarrassing to be asking myself these questions, still, although admittedly i have refined them a little bit over the years, made them a tad more precise i guess?, at fifty fucking one almost two years old. 041622 i start worrying about [whatever, fill in the blank with like lenses or computer shit or audio shit or any of the shit that’ i’ve been sinking my meagre fortunes into since i was what, 20?] as a way to avoid worrying about whatever it is i’m really worried about. that’s why they’re always unsolvable problems, forever wars—you will never get exactly the right lens, because you always need to flee back to the hunt! because you still haven’t dealt with whatever the real thing is. *Do that.* Then you’ll start saving hundreds of dollars, if nothing else.... It lives in you. It feeds on your fears. It is a part of you. You swallowed it and it became the tapeworm of your consciousness. What are you going to do? Kill it? Or try to heal it? It’s gonna have to be one or the other or you’re going to end up miserable. There. I said it. Sorry if that’s not nuanced or poetic enough for ya. 042122 i ate so much cereal last night i think my students and probably even my colleagues can tell i don’t care very much anymore feel fear about losing job disconnected keyboard dirty new fridge gets dirty within days floor gross crumbs on chair i’ve been here before time running out energy at an all time low trying not to let my depression bleed out all over the living room and drown my kids what does it mean when i say i’m “bored” with my job? tired of doing stuff that doesn’t matter while disguising it as something that does matter energy too low to feel like i can deal with the parts that feel intractable too introverted to feel like i can do the parts that seem to require extroversion information sickness know that school is a fucking scam for the most part feel like i’m not accomplishing anything tired of saying the same shit over and over again and it not making any difference tired of trying to blame everyone else for all of this forgot WIG meeting sent akl a tutorial for someone who’s actually my student did like ten percent of my actual classes this week; i just--- couldn’t am not even present in tutorial right now jason never answered about eval, i’ve had zero meetings about that tutorial’s not where you go to ask a basic question about what the directions for an assignment mean, just ask the fucking teacher why am i here, why are we here why does any of this fucking matter been acting like a fucking stoner, and i can be like omfg burnout, omfg pandemic, omfg “the world,” it’s been hard y’all, i’m on the struggle bus as akl would say, but all cute indulgences aside, at some point you either have to do the job or get the fuck out. am i slowly letting my weight down on the self destruct button? like one that you press with your ass, eating fucking bbq potato chips late into the night, on the fucking couch? the chickadees stay at the feeder for like 5 seconds; the sparrows sit and gorge all day 042422 i’ve decided i want to become human again i don’t know how though at least, not exactly. not completely. they say it’s like riding a bike but i barely remember how to do that too sitting out back while the ribs grill i hear cel inside ask libby Do we have any salsa? and that’s a clue. a dove from the clump of trees that’s all that’s left of the woods signals softly repeatedly apparently whatever it is i am (we are?), it’s not so terribly distant from a human. the only scrap of the manual that didn’t burn up when the house burnt down says something about gathering up the fragments. and “simultaneously accept and reject your limitations.” ok. will do. check. thanks for that. 042722 dear lazyweb, do i have to apologize to the person (or people) who taught me the lesson, or can i just pay it forward and not be an asshole with the NEXT person? i want to be witnessed; i want to be seen (thanks peg) ---- not everyone can handle being in someone else’s mind. the default first reaction is literal pain. some however learn to embrace it, gradually build up the ability to be suffused with it, enjoy the unfamiliarity, revel in the alien sensations, find the commonalities, learn a language of analogy and connectivity —— see also https://catapult.co/dont-write-alone/stories/jess-zimmerman-personal-writing-is-like-a-cow-with-a-hole-in-it trying to learn how to do this is one main thing the cw class can teach me EVEN THE GRANDIOSITY IS TRYING TO PROTECT ME IT’S TRYING TO PROTECT ME FROM MEDIOCRITY FROM “WHAT IF IT’S NO GOOD” maybe it’s time to outgrow that a large bit though now?