# 0322 030122 People don’t get what they deserve. They get what they can afford. The sooner you learn that 030222 the line between mystic and normal is arbitrary, imaginary, delusory, deleterious the sooner you learn that people, friends, family, that’s what turns all the other niggling headache-inducing horrible drudgery of figuring out every step into light, heat, the closest thing to redemption we get, touch almost didn’t go to chi to see felix; the discomfort-voice told me i was being avoidant and lazy, so went anyway. glad i did. family is important. people is important. getting out of everyday rut is important. getting over own insecurities and self-doubt and -loathing is important. being ok with jealousy is important. it was a bit awko but not too much really. gratifying to see how we each kinda look the same as we used to but older. the girls seemed to actually have a pretty good time. too bad mego had strep and didn’t get to join. but we took her a care package, up in her brick box where i hope to god she’s doing ok, figuring shit out and doing ok. can you imagine updating the firmware of an old pre-electronic lens? look. there’s ALWAYS gonna be the fear that whatever it is is your fault because you’re not loving them (or didn’t love them) enough (or in the right way). In case it’s not an empty fear, go ahead and pour on the love you just gotta find a way to do that that works for both of you. And if it doesn’t, stop pouring, because the one who constantly opens up your wounds isn’t tryna do that for you and someone’s gotta do it inarticulate speech inarticulate speech of the story cousin inspection salad pizza mud mixture heart development this kid walkin down the street with a being myself is my superhero what’s yours? sweatshirt on and a history why am i a poet? because everything is so fucking profound, man. not “everything I write (lol),” literally EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME (even when it isn’t, which it needs to not be sometimes, ok? so yeah, can we go to bed now?) 030322 “I like how chill class was today” - Erin “Me too!” - Tristan 030922 six things march 2022 1. get up and write 2. what if you were one of those old men that take care of themselves 3. what is the “text” in a photograph and how does it read, how are we used to expecting it to read, etc. What happens if we look at it like Broadsides instead of what everyone yapping and posturing on the internet forums seems to look at it like. you don’t have to be an expert or a natural or an artist or a professional to have that attitude; it’s your thing after all, no one cares remember? but if they did, you’d want it to be true to what you were curious about, what you found that was exciting and intriguing and working for you 1. YOU DON’T GO LOOKING FOR BROADSIDES; YOU JUST NOTICE THEM WHEN THEY HAPPEN, AND TAKE A MOMENT TO LOVINGLY COLLECT) 4. remember fragments, the world of text, long novels that are not reducible, an endless fractal world, it’s all ok. you have permission. somebody really cool on a podcast just said it’s ok and maybe necessary to turn off the part that worries about how it’s going to be received 5. get rid of some of the shit in your room, house…the hotel suite was rejuvenating in its blandness 6. you don’t have to care deeply passionately philosophically about the mail itself to be a good mailman. you *can,* but it’s a separate thing, and it’s not necessarily going to make you an amazing mailman, and in fact it might make you worse. but there are related but orthogonal things that you can care about that might make you kinda special in your employment—and simultaneously more whole as a human being I FUCKING HATE HOW THIS HOUSE SMELLS LIKE OIL, MUST, DUST AND NOT LIKE HOME I DONT SEE WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE DONE TO FIX IT EXCEPT GUT IT, RIP OUT ALL CARPETS, SANDBLAST THE BASEMENT AND NOT HAVE CATS, BLOW OUT THE VENTS WITH SOME INDUSTRIAL PROCESS, NEVER COOK AGAIN, AND GET RID OF ALL THE NEIGHBORS > St. Pathos says, “Do not believe your thoughts, neither when they tell you that you are terrible, nor when they tell you that you are a saint.” Jobim is less straightforward though possibly more profound. It’s a “stick, a stone, the end of the load, the rest of a stump, a lonesome road, a sliver of glass, a life, the sun, a night, a death, the end of the run.” 031222 homophobia isn’t “being afraid of gay people,” it’s the idea of the fag as a failed straight also remember the feeling of letting your hand go a different way relaxing it not on purpose but by accident on purpose letting it flow into a different shape than the one you always MAKE it go into because you habitually feel like you are supposed to to make the drum sound good which is to say essentially remember the wisdom of youth 031722 currently i eat two meals at every meal. time to switch to one - get up and write - what if you were one of those old men that take care of themselves - what is the “text” in a photograph and how does it read? (think Broadsides) JD Carr The Hollow Man (1935) Simone de Beauvoir The Ethics of Ambiguity (1947) Creative Writing is frustrating because half the students are too god damned dumb to follow directions or play a simple game. I doubt that any amount of rewrites or clarifications or simplifications will change this significantly but i guess i have to try > i’m willing to have a conversation about cancel culture if you’re willing to have a conversation about accountability - anita hill 032422 Why do i blow all my extra money on computers and camera crap i don’t need, and how do i make it stop? no seriously. fuck. fuck. shit. fuck. i need help with this. i only really slow down and dwell on this question after a major purchase; it’s only passing glimmers leading up to one. in between, a dangerous inattention, until the next thing triggers an episode... WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THE THINGS? I suspect it has something to do with avoiding something... grief, discomfort, loneliness, failure, death, meaninglessness, helplessness, lack of control... but so what? what do i actually do to break this decades-long cycle? i actually need help with this. my main addiction the self-loathing and shame, the infantile feeling that accompanies the purchase—this seems integral... like some part of me needs that?? or is willing to pay it as a price for some deeper need it’s not just electronics exactly... consider the $100+ fonts i bought. why? becuse they look good? they do make me feel good when i see them on screen, give a little frisson. but it’s also that they make me feel more legitimate, sophisticated, discerning, classy, competent.... look, you do less thc when having things to do with other people (good work, good play) so maybe that’s key to this somehow too. what are the things that if i start doing them will make me need thus type of stuff less, and why haven’t i been able to do them yet? cf NR’s “i’m all in” email about being my editor...... ? what the fuck else could you do with that money? for example [https://www.treasurydirect.gov/indiv/research/indepth/ibonds/res\_ibonds\_iratesandterms.htm](https://www.treasurydirect.gov/indiv/research/indepth/ibonds/res_ibonds_iratesandterms.htm) it is unconscionable that your savings have basically been stagnant for three years, now that you actually have the ability to save even a little. seriously, and this is not a rhetorical question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING gamify saving? stop all the frivolous shit? (and theres potentially a LOT of it, both big and small) just fucking quit it like you quit smoking? and for honestly similar reasons? **START TODAY** spending is your new smoking. try that, yes. but also get some help. do the thing thru work. call the insurance. 032822 **also need help with:** - not knowing how to; being afraid i can’t make it in my own (which ironically is connected to the spending) - my parents (and how obligation relates to my own unfinished life) - it’s like, it feels like *time’s up,* you know, only for real this time - my love life - parenting (like how to ‘get’ millie to be more healthy for instance 033122 **NOTHING THAT YOU BUY IS GOING TO BE UNEQUIVOCALLY BETTER.** When you spend that money that you know you shouldn’t be spending (yes, you know the signs), the result will be something whose novelty fades and leaves you right where you were if not a little worse off because of the shame. And from a purely technical standpoint, there will some things that are better, cooler about the new thing, and some things that are worse. (Take the EVF on em5iii vs em10ii for example.) That’s just the way these things work. Andy’s question: what problem does it solve, what opportunity does it open? (And yes, you can always think of bullshit answers to those to make them seem affirmative.) Of course, it barely matters that you’re saying this thing you’ve known for years; when you’re in the hazy drugged hyped up weird pre-purchase state you’re going to forget it again anyway. I mean, are you for real? I’m actually a half stop or so more actually depressed right now because of that stupid EVF. Like, the device didn’t make me an invincible super hero and so my dreams of happiness through technological omnipotence are crushed. Again. **HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?** In some ways the purchase that feels like a “win” is even worse, because it just keeps the veil over your eyes even longer, sometimes until the next purchase, and then you don’t even get the lucid glimpse that disillusionment brings. Not that in the long run it makes any difference if your life strategy is just to keep buying shit until you can’t anymore, and then hope for someone to take care of you until you die or kill yourself.