# 0122 ## 010222 there’s no such thing as expertise—only that sometimes, for a while, you’re able to stave off oblivion while making necessity enjoyable writing as the baby carrot center of meditation: instead of sitting to let go of all the little brain voice creatures, you sit and invite them in, let them bring their friends, listen to them, let them take the lead; don’t try to force them in either case new year’s not *exactly* resolutions but program tweak or novel input: - no working on weekends. if work days aren’t enough to get it done, it doesn’t get done. make it work. - draw, draw, draw, antonio, and do not waste time (that first one declared on a sunday—like the druggie resolving not to do any more drugs after he runs out this time) ## 010422 if you do it, it’s skill. if someone else does it, it’s luck the biggest liar i ever knew in my life always said stuff like “I won’t be mad—unless you lie to me” to our kids. “Not lying is the most important thing.” Stuff like that. Just because people can put on a serious face and espouse grave convictions doesn’t mean they even have half an idea of what they’re capable of. Being gay for me isn’t about sex. It’s about the frog’s leap merlot ## 011622 All I know is, I read some dumb thing on the internet (which I guess we’re not capitalizing anymore, ok) that mentioned Paul Ford, who mentioned someone else who said to him a long time ago: > I don’t buy stuff for my stuff. And that’s why I didn’t buy Ulysses (again) because I’ve (finally) learned† that it won’t help. It won’t help me write, it won’t help me learn, it won’t help me teach, it won’t help me stay young, it won’t help me take a shit without spending 20 minutes’ quality time in the bathroom leaving elbow impressions in my knees. It won’t help me be smart like a programmer. It won’t help me make friends. To be fair, neither will Nisus Writer Pro, but Nisus Writer Pro is so much cooler. Ulysses has always been frustrating—like you’ve let a commitee of German men with impeccable haircuts into your living room and told them that no matter, I mean no matter what you say—no matter if you scream, beg, fall down on your knees and threaten to kill yourself or everyone else—they are not, under any circumstances, to let you reclaim any semblance of control over your computer. The last time I had control over my computer was in the ’90s. And that’s what I like about NWP. Sadly, I see myself spiraling into nostalgia, which proves that †I haven’t learned a god damned thing. But that’s OK. At least I didn’t buy something tonight. And honestly, NWP is really cool and fun. And they kinda take their time on new versions, which these days people seem to think is paleolithic, but to me it makes sense. (cf. the 90s again) Oh god how I miss my little window. I don’t (actually, and I know this because I’ve tried it) miss the hazy fonts, curved screen, inevitable system crashes, etc etc, yeah yeah, blah blah blah, but the only reason I can’t stand the old stuff now is that I’ve gotten used to the new stuff. But I definitely do miss not being sucked into a vortex of information sickness every single fucking time I have five seconds to stop and think or spin on my heel, or every single fucking time I don’t know EXACTLY what I’m supposed to do next. And oh MY FUCKING GOD, the way you can customize keyboard shortcuts to be fucking ANYTHING, including sequences of letters with a modifier key held down, is FUCKING REVELATORY! Yep. It’s settled. I’m staying with this for a while. Essentials, as of 011622: - BBEdit (plain text) - NWP (rich text) - Scrivener (index cards and maybe publishing) - Maybe: - Scapple (mind mapping, visuals) - TaskPaper (outlining) - Affinity Publisher (page layout, publishing) ## 011622 Even that so-called victory, that triumph of reason, indicates that you’re (still) “in it”— in the virus of power and control and perfect agency. It is futile, and today’s economy, consumer culture, marketplace, marketing, all conspire to keep you infected and infectious. There’s so much accessible, affordable, plastic, electronic SHIT to choose from, you are kept as desperate as a cigarette smoker trying to quit any other way besides cold turkey. If you try to escape down a memory hatch, they’ll catch you with nostalgic throw-back products. If you try to get “indie,” you’ll spend all day fucking with settings. If you think aha, then I’ll eschew settings, you’ll be buying (or spending time configuring, what’s the difference) stuff for your minimalist lifestyle for the rest of the day, chasing that perfect white room with a single oak desk and one flower in a hand-blown vase on the one windowsill facing perfectly southwest as the sun sets on your so-called dreams. And by the way, “pound wise penny foolish” isn’t really any better. And you’re only selling yourself stuff like the “essentials” list because you’re insecure in your identity, self-worth, abilities, etc. You’ll be making a different decision in a day. And it’s all solving the wrong problem; the problem is the problem; you’ve been saying this for years so why are you saying it all over again? That brings me to my next point: If you like writing but feel like you “can’t do it anymore,” it’s probably because you don’t have anything to write about. And that’s probably because you’ve said all there is to say about yourself. So the key to surviving as a writer is to have a motivator, a driver, an attractor, an engine, some other people depending on you or listening to you—just anything except yourself. The writing itself is no big deal; it’s playing, legos, jamming, puzzles, code, meditation, and all that jazz. The “yourself” isn’t thrown away; it just becomes your handwriting and a portal into a toolkit. But the “content” to the extent that there is such a thing has to be able to evolve, flow downstream, or whatever, or else the source will stagnate and you will get mad at yourself for not having any “ideas” and not being “creative” anymore. Lolololol, nerd. > “creativity has often meant something to push against” – https://cate.blog/2021/12/27/the-year-of-habits/ That kid who said bukowski saying you fight for survival is no different than us being hunter gatherers? i think he’s full of shit though I can’t prove it. would like to go back and think about this some more The airport’s falling apart. when is everyone going to notice that normal people are poor people now. how’d they get us to forget that we once were not? Or were we always and I was just a child so I didn’t know or care? It’s like nothing’s changed except they keep removing the plywood from underneath the plush carpet Soon we’ll be balancing on the joists Then eventually those will rot thru too Brother you don’t wanna know what’s down in that dusty old basement ### EVERYBODY’S life is ore. Of *course* there are gems. That doesn’t make you “special,” but it doesn’t make you (the opposite of special) either. Taking time to rinse and wash the fruits and vegetables makes you feel more like that gentle Japanese woman on one of mom’s travel shows. Yes it’s quiet in here now, Cel’s calmed down from her gamer rage (lol), and the peace is both temporary and (building inevitably to an even greater peace). Someday someone or something or nothing at all will just kill me, just like that. Then it’ll be over, for me anyway, at least I can only reasonably assume so. And that’s—neither here nor there? That? Not a big deal? What it is? Take your pick from the grab bag of contentless phrases; one thing the acid trip with Glenn taught me was that this—whatever this appears to be—is—or might as well be—all there is. So enjoy it. If it’s a drawing on a napkin, be a joy-filled stick figure. After all, why not? > At bottom, addiction is the mistaken conviction that we can fulfill our longings — that, in the language of the heroin addict, we can “fix” ourselves — through some form of control, through willful manipulation. https://www.orionmagazine.org/article/the-righteousness-fix/ 011922 > [But] because people don’t spend any time tolerating negative emotions – they turn on Netflix or grab a bottle of wine – they get out of touch with them, and they parent their children to be out of touch with them, too. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/jan/01/be-bad-better-from-anger-to-laziness-how-to-put-your-worst-habits-to-good-use Right. Smoothing out the narrator or the package manager with a handy gummy seems ideal at first, but you’re basically bludgeoning them into submission, so they can’t even do their job after a while. At first you’re like oh hello dolphin, but after a while the dolphin is like fuck you man, let me go, i’m not supposed to be kept in a concrete pool for grubby tourists to throw french fries at ## 012022 You know what, I’m embarassed to admit this, but, I’m actually still kind of hot, in a way, sometimes, if you squint a little and lighting is flattering. I saw that kid at Chik Fil A checking me out, god damn right I did, I wasn’t born motherfucking yesterday bitch. ## 012122 your religion is just what you would stake your life on what you would throw yourself in front of a bullet for that’s it nothing fancy doesn’t matter what you call it, him, her, them, whatever