0421 when I said to lib & cel, you know if you get caught being out in the middle of the road at 3 am you’re going to get in trouble, and Lib was incredulous, like huh? If anything, that should be a rule only for adults. You know, more I think about it, more that actually makes sense. going from ‘poppy’ to ‘papaya’ when talking about seeds is like a tesseract. the similarity of the sounds of the words is a dimension you travel along that results in surprises and unexpected tangents in other dimensions than you normally travel along. typos can be a dimension you can travel too. predictive text? sure. virtually anything can. any text is a snapshot of all possible texts. they are all connected, traversible. the rules of the connection game are [the state] of your spaceship Is it really so much more enlightened to insist that there’s some undefinedly large number of genders, or even infinite genders, rather than just to insist that gender doesn’t have to define our looks and behaviors and associations? I mean for fucks sake they didn’t even have the term “body dysmorphia” when I was a kid, let alone when mom was learning protocols and rituals around eating and nutrition and meals. Like I said, you have to be at least a little indulgent with very young people and very old people—not because they’re stupid but because they’re from a different world than you. It is your loss if you can’t be flexible enough to learn from the aliens. Learn to distinguish a real offense from a phase shift or just a genuinely different background or perspective. And it’s not like an old person can’t learn something too, if you really think it’s something they need to learn—but it’s not fair to say you’re not going to talk to them, and just expect them to understand you. Nobody fucking understands you, and that’s not their fault, it’s yours if you think you’re entitled to having your mind read. I have no wish to be a shallow reactionary. I fully intend to listen to my children, even if it’s hard to choke down some of the apparent nonsense they come up with from time to time. Because it’s not all nonsense. It comes from somewhere real. I guess you gotta ask yourself what’s more important—what do you stand up for, what do you take a stand against, what do you patiently tolerate with ‘unconditional positive regard’ because you don’t want to shut down new ideas and possibilities too soon. you don’t want to assume you’ve got it all figured out, that only the rebellions that you personally have approved and digested and are comfortable with are OK. If you do that, you’re more dumb than the “post-millenials.” But still, sometimes all the pronouns and categories and things do get just a bit too precious for my taste. It all seems so narcissistic really, like why has it become compelling and urgent to spend so much time thinking about “who I am” and all that. What else could we be spending that energy on? It feels like the masses are bleating aggressively about gender without our having come anywhere close to any kind of consensus about what it even means, or should mean. I mean, is it some kind of physiological thing? Is it primarily psychological? Or sociological? Is it culture-bound or ‘universal’? According to seventeen.com, “According to nonprofit organization GLAAD, gender expression is the ‘external manifestations of gender, expressed through a person’s name, pronouns, clothing, haircut, behavior, voice, and/or body characteristics.’” But then why is that necessarily related to male/female or anything in between? If gender is separate from sex, why does every discussion about it seem to assume or imply or explicitly state by the terms of the argument that the two are inextricably linked? There’s huge logic gaps in this plot line. “Your Pronouns Are Your Choice.” “Using a pronoun is one way to connect with the world, which is why it's so personal.” God, am I just old?!?!?!? Because that sounds kind of like bullshit to me. It sounds like a misunderstanding of what language really is. Language isn’t your personal deck of hand-crocheted cutesy tarot cards. It’s EVERYONE’s writhing, neutral, unfathomable, inscrutable, surprising, astonishing scarily infinite deck of tarot cards that you can never bend to your will, because it doesn’t BELONG to you. You belong to it. It doesn’t care about “your pronouns.” You can use pronouns however the fuck you want, yes, but that doesn’t make them “yours.” The whole thing reminds me of an anthropocentric fallacy, of grubby solipsism, of obsessing about a shrub that caught on fire in the desert instead of falling in love with the vastness of the cosmos. Or yeah, I mean for real, maybe I’m just old and don’t get it. We’ll see. Maybe I just wish EVERYONE, including or perhaps ESPECIALLY me, had more enthralling priorities. But yeah I guess it’s not fair for the 50 year old guy to say “why are they obsessing about ‘who they are’!?” I did it too, and it wasn’t any prettier. Just the details and the social milieu were a little different, naturally. > There must be other ways to signal awareness and inclusion to our students. In recent years, I have started emailing my students before class starts, giving them the names of required texts and information about class, as well as asking them to communicate with me if they want to be sure that I know their correct name and/or pronoun on the first day that class meets. I also encourage them to let me know of any questions or concerns that they have about the class. That solves one issue, but it doesn’t help ensure that every student understands the importance of pronouns, privacy and not making assumptions about anyone’s identity. Thus, I also try to include a discussion of those issues on the first day of class and return to them throughout the semester as appropriate. My hope is to create an environment in which students can choose to share what they want about themselves in whatever way and at whatever time is best for them. So far, it seems to have worked. > Ask your students for their ideas. Be prepared to make mistakes. When you come to a decision on what works for your class in your institutional context, share it with your colleagues -- and then be prepared for whatever seems best to change in the semesters to come. - https://www.insidehighered.com/views/2018/09/19/why-asking-students-their-preferred-pronoun-not-good-idea-opinion So I was thinking, instead of “I don’t relate to womanhood” or “manhood” why can’t we redefine what womanhood and manhood mean. But maybe that’s not the point. Maybe “they” is a tiny poem that uncompresses to say something else—that what kind of plumbing or proportion of hormones you got just isn’t that important? And not only isn’t that important, but we need to actively retrain ourselves to stop fixating on it in certain contexts? Help me out here. But also, is there a way to go to the next meta-level beyond that as well? Like, the ideal of less worrying about what we are and what the rules are and what each word means, and more just hey I like you let’s do stuff together? Or is that just doting oversimplified foolishness? Is that the “I don’t see color” of gender?? Also, got pretty much fully lucid in dream last night. It was in a restaurant that I went to with some work people. Started telling this guy that was kind of like Schwab from high school, “I’m dreaming,” and when he didn’t believe me I was like, “Why would I lie about that? It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not interesting—well, it wouldn’t be, unless I was telling the truth!” To finally prove it I said watch this, and starting hovering up towards the ceiling (waving my arms and making goofy noises for effect). Then all hell broke loose. But I am proud of myself—I didn’t turn into a complete creep. I yelled at some kid for creepily touching some girl who was crying because of it. I screamed at everyone else in the room to stop laughing about it because sexual assault isn’t funny. I sounded shrill and it didn’t really convince everyone but at least I tried. So obviously I wasn’t like 100% “in control” lucid, right? Or else they wouldn’t have had free will? Or does that just mean I’m not in control of all aspects of *myself,* regardless?? Then I went to hug this other girl—plump, beaming, sunshine—but caught myself and asked first and when she said OK I was like “Thank God,” and hung on like a koala. 040821 > I have lived my entire life in a country that, broadly speaking, considers itself the "greatest country in the world" but cannot build a high speed train, get poisonous substances out of its water pipes, run frequent and reliable bus service in its cities, fix potholes, provide equal access to quality education to all of its children, solve its decades-long health care crisis, allow women to be both mothers and workers thanks to affordable child care, allow all households to pay a reasonable rate for reliable internet access, or make progress on any number of other issues. Meanwhile, we look abroad and see other nations have made significant progress on these issues generations ago and continue to improve.... Exactly. We get obsessed over taxes because we’ll have “less money” but money’s just a number. It’s the time and space and place you live in and what your life is like that matters. 041121 Questions you don’t know the answers to are where the magic is {them and yourself 1. Protect 2. Nurture 3. Let go} 4. Learn to balance those out a little bit 5. Repeat n times (n>=# of children) (It’s not so much that there *is* no manual, it’s that you’re gonna have to write your own.) 041221 wrestled with the clumsiness of iPadOS long enough to finally get into my fucking journal doc just so i could commemorate a small insignificant bit: my breakfast was amazing and i’m grateful for it. A trip to Aldi and some time away from the computer screen and some music — CD quality, by god — streaming in the background... it’s all worth it... those slim little fancy deli slices... eggs... goat cheese... but yeah, it’s almost enough to make me feel “affluent” lol. OK maybe not. But fortunate, yes. Meanwhile, AKL says JS said she gets to stay at eAchieve, and I’m like fantastic, I am genuinely honestly thrilled about that, and I just hope the new people coming in doesn’t mean I am going to get kicked out. Haven’t been given any reason to think so, but then KE wasn’t either, before this year when suddenly and by random chance his immediate supervisor became someone different, and the tone of his evaluations (apparently) did a 180. Yes, the tiger is always there, the cortizol or whatever is always there. 04--21 You can’t just sit there and be boring in this economy or whatever the fuck it is. You have to go beyond just the daydream. Somebody else already is, so why not you. Play. Not just following along tumbling in the wake of foma bullshit; I mean things you’ve wanted to do the fact remains, i don’t fully trust jason anymore. the way he wimpily said ‘but they do pay our checks...’ even though that is true. but you can’t defend a man on the basis of being a true believer one minute and overlook his complicity the next. maybe amy is right—we’re a stepping stone to him. the stepper doesn’t care if the loose stones tumble downstream after he has crossed Thirsty for the kings quest bird noise river sunshine quiet and vast Rules are like sticks: you gotta have just the right amount to keep the fire going “I have enhanced my voice to silence” I wanted to be that couple’s lap dog. But not in a leering disrespectful way. Degrading only as much as you want it to be. More in a literal way New card: man taking his birds for a ride in a cage New card: welcome to the wood of kindness The perfection of voice is silence. In the long run, is it better to get a reminder that literally any night could be the eve of our worst nightmare? For that matter, what is a “long” run? The conspiracy I do believe: we all already know each other. Literally all of us (echo of a ghost excepted) already know each other intimately, have for eons, but something—or someone—is keeping us fragmented in space and time Writing: if you put something genuinely of yourself in it, it’s gonna shine, it’s gonna thrum, because you are beautiful. Click the words and letters and spaces together like legos, looking for (combinations) (connotations) that make them glow The true test of a teacher is getting people to do something optional. Cf: AVID tutorials. They need to be optional next year, but folded ubiquitously into the spirit and structure of the class. If we make them good and real (and fun), people will play along The thing where real learning is like the moment you turn around and realize your legs and lungs are stronger because you’ve been biking, but you’ve been biking for fun and peace? Everyone should have a say in what “biking” is for them. To give energy, you need to have ways to collect it too. Are you a hopeless optimist if you believe humanity has the hardware and software and wetware and wherewithal to set that up so everybody wins? Tot: a little tesseract for stray thoughts Mother’s Day: you are a goddamn rock. But like the rain against the bulldozer i always feel a bit stupid if i catch myself having said the thing i was suposed to say in a kind of big dumb show. but it’s ok. everyone should get a few of those for more or less free. but you can learn from them what your vulnerable and anxious parts are trying to tell you. ONE OF THE CARDS: it reminds you who you are. But if you draw on it too much it makes you forget who you are. A NEW CARD: THE JUNKYARD 042321 Where Priscilla went today What if the bad guy always managed to convince himself he was still a good guy There’s weirder/worse things you could put on your tombstone than “hey, at least I tried” (as long as you really felt that way) You can die in a park You can die anywhere You could have a cross made out of rags and bones there beside the road tomorrow That’s what matters That’s what makes the game real 042421 the singing parts are like when you come up to the surface and get some more air because apparently you need that every now and then, but thats the in between time, you really live for the instrumentals when the singing stops/ it’s in the depths, that’s some Bathypelagic shit, you just drift on the current that isn’t there, rock back and forth, and just cry the vast expanding cry of the universe and feel connected to fucking everyone you ever knew or might yet meet your ridiculous little bag of a heart blows up and explodes again, warmly, gently, with laughter and music all around the room, and you are grateful. one more time. again. If I’m ever not in love with the world, call me up and let me know, cuz it’ll mean that I’m not me, and we’re gonna want to kick the impostor out. Just like old times. Why say “raises serious constitutional concerns” if you mean “is illegal”? Why the kid gloves? What it means to believe in yourself: You know at least some small part of your stuff is really, no holding back, really fucking good. And it’s there, and it exists, and it’s from you to everyone you love or might be able to love someday The body desires to be a time capsule. Your life’s output is what they’re gonna see when they open the box Pick one: Trail through peoples back yards Trail through neutral ground Which seems more inviting to you right now? Why? Don’t answer the question; just show me how you’d ask it Like a heavenly turd coming thru the anus of hell That’s how I love you Being a bullshitter doesn’t mean you’re stupid or wrong. It can be used to conceal incompetence, but that’s not its only purpose So she doesn’t know what good hiking shoes are. That doesn’t make her an evil millionaire mailing you boiling cats Being older: no longer just a walking seed tube, you have more energy to spare for thinking about something besides fucking Why would you ever deliberately make a place more dreary for a kid?? Not that everything has to be overstimulating. But at least let them have a little fun (and let yourself as well) Lib and Cel have the neighbor girls in the house for the first time in like forever and they’re playing a dance competition reality TV show game and they’re telling each other they did a good job every single time. So far ... ? Libby just said to some little girl, You don’t have to be nervous, it’s just us here. 042921 being in a position of some influence or authority and being willing to bend the rules for someone as a way to (subversively) help them out is a good thing, as long as you know how to do it without accidentally implicating the ones you’re trying to help, or getting yourself fired, but it’s not enough. It’s not amazing. It’s not “OK you’ve done everything you can do, you can relax and fuck off now.” There’s certain people at work you just shouldn’t bother trying to talk to in any depth or with any authenticity. Not necessarily “bad” ones or “dumb” ones or “wrong” ones or “asshole” ones; just ones that you’re not going to resonate with, whether you intellectually think you might want to or not. Just let them go, dude. Don’t interfere, and don’t be interfered with.