#mrgrenache 041920 Most people don’t need creativity, because they can read web articles and watch youtube late into the night. #placeoftheway #thousandsummers #thirteenstones 041920 I kind of miss podcasts (due to not driving almost at all I’m not listening to them during “safer at home”) but even more, I miss things from *before* all of this, and all of that—typing, being in an old probably unsafe room with old windows, feeling connected to the fresh air and sidewalk, having to walk the dog, typing, caring about what i was typing, the feeling that it wasn’t all just ephemeral and pointless and a bridge to a digitial thought or meaning, but the typing itself was a physical thing. #treefrog 042020 people (naturally) keep talking about getting “back to normal” but I look up and down Moorland and Janesville road while I’m trying to cross on my bike and I see the same old vapid, vacuous traffic, the same old slack-jawed suv’s and obstinate gurgling trucks and i kinda think, a, not enough has changed from normal, and b, I didn’t even really like the normal we had before in the first place. A frantic, panicked, or even level-headed single-minded fight to get back to exactly how we were before would be a tragically wasted opportunity if you ask me. #gamesman 042020 Like for example, [the price of oil has apparently dropped to a *negative* number](https://www.bbc.com/news/business-52350082) in the US, basically because people aren’t driving anywhere (well, they sure as hell still are in Muskego, but less I guess). So what? Should we all rally and be like, O no!!! The poor oil companies!!! Wat’ll we dooo!?? Would it really be such a horrible thing if they crash and burn, even just a little bit for a little while? #gamesman 042020 “‘Ours is not just a trading market; every penny lost spells more uncertainty over jobs,’” said the boss of the “business lobby for the UK’s offshore oil and gas sector.” Really, though? is this really about jobs? According to [Scott Galloway](https://www.profgalloway.com/capitalists-or-cronyists) (and others I’m sure), “our government has been co-opted by the wealthy and is focused on protecting the previous generation of winners, even if it means reducing future generations’ ability to win.” He uses airlines and cruise lines as an example: “And what happens if they (gasp!), go out of business? Simple, the equity holders, and unsecured debt holders, get wiped out.” But he argues that nevertheless, there will still be cruise lines and airlines and jobs related to such. The big boards & CEO’s “should be allowed to fail. Bondholders will own the firms. Ships and planes will continue to float and fly, and there will still be a steel tube with recirculated air waiting for you post molestation by Roy from TSA.” Letting firms fail, he says, gives younger generations a chance to get in on the action (and take risks that might pay off but aren’t (or shouldn’t be) guaranteed to, where otherwise they wouldn’t be able to afford it. He says if an investment fails, that sucks, and even if it’s not your fault it should still be your problem. He doesn’t seem to mean this in the sense of saying fuck you to “ordinary” people that aren’t rich though. I think he’s more saying that reward should be commensurate with risk. Real risk, not pretend risk that you get to crow about while knowing the system is rigged in your favor. He’s not necessarily advocating socialism (although he’s not necessarily *not* advocating it), but that genuine capitalism shouldn’t be replaced with cronyism. 042020 #clouds #megan sometimes when people need to be bugged and prodded a little bit, sought after, looked in on, encouraged; those are the times when they’re the least good at asking for that or letting that be known 042020 #clouds #megan In fact, not only might they not be good at it, but depending on the dynamic between them and their family or whoever, they might come across as actively pushing people away, when the exact opposite is what the quieter or disgruntled or obfuscated voice of them really wants. #roomfullof1000voices #megan 042020 Yes she’s been depressed and withdrawn and she’s lied and she lashes out and she doesn’t do shit around the house and whatever I’ve done for her it’s never going to have been enough and she really needs to be the victim but also the hero and she can take criticism as long as it’s not about her and she reminds me of her mom and that’s not her fault and she pushes me away and also i failed her and i should have kept trying instead of gradually backing off… I should have stayed fierce instead of getting all weak and polite… I should have established a pattern of telling her to get her ass out of bed… or not. Fuck I don’t know. I barely even know what I’ve tried and what I haven’t, or what I’ve given up on or what just plain old didn’t work. I know I feel like she feels like I failed her though. Like, oh yeah, my happy picturesque family. Except that one over there. She’s on her own. Good riddance. And it is truly DISTURBING that every time something like this happens I feel like I’ve broken up with or been broken up with by someone and it’s my fault and that’s fucking creepy. Fuck, I need someone to talk to. Can I even get a therapist anymore, with my big-shot “adult” health insurance that sucks ass through a fucking straw? Or do I just need some fucking friends. OK fine, how. And I don’t think i have to treat her sisters worse (I’m not sure I’m even doing any better with Millie tbh, although I tend to when megan’s not around) but i do think you learn from relationship failures. The first child is the pioneer, and suffers for it, eh? That’s your excuse? And I’m embarrassed that I blabbed all that half-apology, half-accusation weird sullen tmi shit in Messages to her and of course she hasn’t answered making me feel even more like a doting, desolate, pathetic old creep. She’s real good at just ignoring the texts she doesn’t like. Every time she brings it up, it’s always “It’s so nice to have someone who....” Why the fuck keep bringing that up unless you’re trying to tell me I suck as a parent? Fuck you, you ungrateful little shit. *You* try it. Are we supposed to physically drag her out of her room? She’s acting like we don’t ask her to watch movies, eat supper, play games... Is it our fault if she closes her fucking door and doesn’t ever come out? Like, you removed yourself from the rhythms and routines of the rest if us, and it’s my fault now. Come down here at 11:30 to turn on all the lights and make souo but yeah i don’t do shit for you. Eat all the popcorn and lie about taking two bags at a time and that’s my fault too. I should have been more strict and not just let you get away with all your selfish little ways. Fuck #parenting. Parenting is a big fucking scam. Fuck my life. I miss her already. #parenting #ass Was I just marking time, waiting for her to go away? It’s not what i meant to do. I don’t want to be the big event that she’s compelled to run away from. The thought that I was ignoring her opens a pit of regret in my guts. At the time, I really just thought she mostly wanted me to leave her alone. Didn’t I? How could i have gotten that so wrong? Why do I get so passive and wait for everyone else to initiate everything? Should have shot that gun with Millie more. Should have built something with that raspberry pi with Libby. How many other ways am I dismally fucking up, self absorbed and keeping busy and spending money on bullshit while time rages on towards too late, grown up, well you got what you wanted, all the time to yourself you could ever ask for. No seriously, I need someone to talk to. For real this time. 042020 #clouds #megan #gull It’s like that one blog post I read, I really don’t remember who or when or what, but the idea was don’t just say “let me know if I can help” and then pat yourself on the back and go have a beer. You have to actively try to find ways to help, if you really care, and try them out, and risk looking dumb or awkward while doing so.