080220 the divinatory object is a book; a book is a divinatory object stuffed animals are books (patient as text on a page; not requiring much if any specific organic maintenance; can hibernate indefinitely)— they receive, store, retrieve, and co-conspire to create the essential love stories a child needs 080520 NO PROJECT IS TOO SMALL OR TOO BIG. THE NICE LITTLE THING CAN BE IN AMONG A WHOLE SHIT TON OF TOTAL CRAP AND IT’S STILL WORTH IT. KEEP THE FOREST GOING. KEEP THE CITY GOING. EVERY DAY IN THE FOREST, ETC ETC. You’re leaving bread crumbs for yourself. No more, no less. Keep doing it. It’s weirdly important. 081220 I always generally preferred the driving part of bumper cars over the bumping part 081720 also try not to be a selfish asshole. also what the fuck do you mean, “no one in this house is being a parent”? you know what, fuck you and fuck whichever one of your smug bitch ass fake friends you learned that little phrase from. you sound EXACTLY like your mom when you mouth off with some rude ass self righteous shit like that. bitch you don’t even know what it’s like. you fucking try it. you try keeping all this shit together while surrounded by selfish self serving self obsessed little bitches like you. yeah we’ll see who’s a fucking parent next time you need something from me. “sorry i’m a bitch” ain’t gonna cut it for the rest of your life—not everyone is going to give anywhere near half as much of a shit as i have. find someone else to manipulate and then blame everything on. if “being a parent” means jumping on your bitter little anti-Cel bandwagon and agreeing with everything you say and jumping when you say boo, then yeah, i guess no one is. you need to learn how to stop being a goddamn liar, and start taking some responsibility for the bratty ass fucked up shit that comes out of your mouth 082320 Shouldn’t have let her go to Ed’s Shouldn’t have encouraged her to take that apartment Shouldn’t have given up trying to dissuade her from so much student debt (does she even truly grasp it?) What is really the point of spending all this money?? How could it possibly be worth it? Why was “art school” the overwhelming dream rather than “artist”? Feeling like I truly failed her And yet so frustrating whenever I bring up or so to speak challenge her with something she doesn’t like, she so reliably seems to bring up something that shows her as offended, hurt, misunderstood, neglected, or victimized. Is that how she is with other people? 082420 but yeah, she’s just scared and needs some love. like me. if no one else is around, whiskey’s got your back no but seriously i just want to be able to be a real person while working—that’s kind of my big thing, career-wise right now. i know my own voice. it’s been there my whole life, near as i can remember. it’s just that only sometimes do i succeed in making it feel safe enough to come out. now is one of those times. Like, how many years has it taken me (lol) to learn that when someone assigns you a job (or gives you a rhythm), you don’t have to slavishly copy their exact notes and try to bullshit your way through exactly what you think they want you to do. Interpret it. Do it your way. Make it a game. Use the notes--AND the bullshit--as creative constraints. 082920 More I think about it, more I think KE is kind if an arrogant jerk. and even way back to “we’re all fanboys now” and whatever stupid pun he typed after rv laughed so hard at my “chinchilla” comment... it’s got to be that he is jealous of the attention. HE’s the cool one, by god, and damned if he’s going to let some newcomer waltz in and steal his little show. never mind that i don’t give two shits about his little cutesy joke competition; i’m actually trying to be good at my job, which is something i’ve basically heard him say (not in so many words) that he’s never going to push himself past his comfort zone to do. “schulte—level 10 tech wizard” in chat. hard to tell in chat but looking back seems more snarky than anything. “whaaaaatever mannnn” cutting me off after i used speed of light analogy; totally stopped conversation to snarkily point out use of various figures of speech. Why? cut me off with “whatever” before i was done explaining why i put esession times on pace charts—which HE ASKED about—which was ironic because that kind of detail is key to udl and just fucking listening to the things the sped teachers say. he’s “sensitive macho” all right—there’s always going to be a snarky comment. i just need to remind myself i’m under no obligation to pretend i like it or to laugh like a good fucking sport and play along. because it isn’t helping and it’s not even funny. “assume positive intent” doesn’t mean let people walk all over you you know 083120 Dear me, 18 years and most of a month ago: Let me tell you how it’s gonna feel. You’re gonna be half laughing when she says “I don’t think I need anything else” and you’re gonna be like why do I suddenly feel like Homer Simpson looking for something awkwardly to say, to stall, and trying not to look like you’re doing it. You’re gonna overcome your reluctance to be too mushy and say “Come here!” and give her a hug. And she’s gonna half laugh at you and say “It’s OK!” and you’re gonna make a goofy reference to Seahawk yelling “Adventure!” and she’s gonna laugh the other half of that laugh and then at the door you’re gonna pause and give a small, childlike wave and then realize you’re about to get on out of there because clearly she’s fine, and anyway there’s something wrong with your face, and then once you hit the sidewalk you’re gonna be like Why the fuck do my eyes feel like exploding grapes and like who turned on the main water line down in the basement and you’re going to be like why the fuck am I sitting all alone in a saggy-assed 2004 Lincoln Town Car with the flashers on, at 822 S. Bell Ave, Chicago, crying my fucking face off like a blubbering baby? and then it’s going to be all right, and it’s also never going to be the same again. And she’s going to text you like 3 hours later saying “I saw three roaches in the bathroom. I only killed one of them” and I guess that’s how you know that life goes on.