053019 And Megan’s self centered even for a teenager. Not a bad person, but. And see, here I am fucking thinking about Megan again. Imagine a stop sign. The others need me too. 053019 I literally can do only so much. I can’t always be perfectly balanced, patient, and receptive. 053019 I’m kind of getting tired of getting all bent out of shape every time Megan gets pissed off at me cuz I didn’t say the exact right thing. The others need me too. She can carry some of that load--that load of dissatisfaction and betrayal sometimes. 052519 Sushi. Watched Stand by Me all together. Still gets me. In 15 minutes, it’s the next day. And life goes on. 052519 bought myself clothes. guy at mcdonalds said i look good for 49. walked around marshy nature preserve (off hillendale) with lib and cel. shiny bugs, gnarled trees, blackbirds, all kinds of birds, deer tracks in foot-thick black mud, a trail that was water and full of frogs and wogs and felt killingly refreshing on tired itchy feet. megan’s at work. millie’s making me a cake and doesn’t feel like it’s good enough but it is. it’s ringed with blueberries. can’t complain, can’t complain. 051519 Just stories, without a message, without a justification. If -- IF -- I can do anything, I may be able to do that. And after all, that’s all there really is. 050219 # celebration - found myself saying “I am determined to figure out how to teach this AVID tutorial concept” to a student in chat - didn’t even realize until later, that’s a new thing for me— - used to be, hardship would make me say to myself “I’m not really meant to be a teacher” - but now I feel like i actually can be, and i’m having a blast - honestly don’t know if that would have happened w/out eachieve, so my celebration is just that eachieve exists 050119 if you’re doing something self-destructive and it doesn’t hurt, that’s a sign that something’s wrong (said Megan) 050119 as soon as i sit down in front of the device, whatever it was that was skittering or bobbing around in my head or body just bugzaps out of existence. and then i’m just sitting in front of a device for no reason. so the reason for existence of the device takes over, and the reason for the device is to buy stuff and to perpetuate the hunger for buying stuff, and that’s why i’m flabby and lonely and depressed. OK, sure, here we are in this hole again. Self-admonishment is another form of buying stuff. The more I listen to people in cafes, the more I realize how much i don’t really want to be a blowhard anymore, at least as much as i can help it (and i realize i can’t always help it). If you’ve never felt like nothing, can you ever feel the full extent of gratitude for being able to be something to someone? 050119 If you are invited (by a person, society, publisher, or muse) to tell a story, check what your story is about. If it is about how creative you are, you probably have already told that story and don’t need to tell it again. 050119 If you are invited to give a speech, check if your speech is about what you were invited to give a speech about, or if it is basically just saying I am smart, I am insightful, I am charismatic. 050119 at the therapist’s, a nice old lady with white hair gave me a cup of coffee while i was waiting for millie. It was good. Is life ever this simple? No it is not.