102518 Eever have a fr0g 0f fatigue set up camp in the kitchen of your brain and start selling snacks to the passers by? I have. Its call FIVE OCLOSK INTHE FUCKING MORNING. I have to pee. i hate ipads. i i still can’t believe how many people -- even andy -- blather on about how you can do so much with them. i’m like yeah. if you like barel;y being able to type and waiting five miniutes for some stupid languid animation to awkward drift by every time you hit command tab or anything else at all. God i hate how stupiud ipads are and how stupid everyone has become. sitting crunched up in fron t of a little toy pretending you have a computer what the fuck. must change the alarm back to 5 from 5 oh nine, bucuz millie’s shower - THE ALMIGHTY THUNDER, THE RAIN THAT NEVER FALLS starts almost immediately after it -- i thought her shower would be enough to wake me up every day and that i wouldn’t have to use a alarm clock but then the day before yesterday i just slept right thru her and then i didn’t get a morning sesh at all, so fuck i don’t know. I JUST WISH THE INSANE OBSESSIVE WORRISOME LITTLE GIRL WOULDNT HAVE TO GET UP SO MOTHER FUCKING EARLY, like an hour before her sister and they go to the same fucking school. I mean come on. What the fuck. I love her to death but she’s the sort of person i think i would well you never know. like if i had to live with someone like that, maybe it would be good for me. wait i do live with someone like that, aka her, but you know what i mean. Wow, today’s not very good, is it? Nothing is happening. Am i circling around and avoiding letting anything happen because i am tired? Because i don’t want to think about the bugbear? AVID class has become like softball to me. I asked myself the other day WHAT KINDS OF THINGS MAKE ME STRESSED OUT AND WANT TO NOT DO THEM and part of the answer is this: things I feel like I’m not good at or not doing a good job at. Things where i can picture people judging me poorly and being like this is fucking gay. or pointless. or dumb. or whatever. things where i can feel people (whether i’m imagining it or not) being like oh man that schulte guy he really sucks at this. he really has no idea what he’s doing. this sucks. and another thing. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY AT THE CONFERENCE??????? I can think of “CHALLENGES I’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH SO FAR” wrt doing the AVID elective onoline, but should i go on and finish the thought with, “AND I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO OVERCOME THEM”? Should the presentation be called EXHIBIT A; A MAN WHO IS FLAILING TRAGICALLY AND COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FAILING TO BRING AVID ELECTIVE TO AN ONLINE ENVIRONMENT. LINE UP AND GET YOYUR TICKETS TO SEE THE DROWNING MAN, FOLKS. HE DOESN”T EVEN DO BINDER CHECKS> MAYBY DOING BINDER CHECKS ONLINE IS POSSIBLE BUT THIS GUY WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE HE HAS NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PATIENCE NOR THE INCLINATION NOR THE BASIC COMPETENCE TO PULL IT OFF, ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF THAT AVID IS SUPPOSED TO BE AS WELL. COLLEGE APPLICATIONS? WHAT’S THAT? ISN”T THAT YOUR MOM’S JOB TO NAG YOU ABOUT THAT? God I hate this fucking class. Admittedly, that’s a pretty long title for a presentation, but I think it would sum things up just so, and make it so that no one would actually have to come to the presentation, because they would get everything they needed to know out of just reading the title, and so then we could leave early--god I hate being stuck in a fucking conference all day, don’t you?--and go out and find and patronize the legal weed shops and actually have a good time and maybe sit in a little cafe and write or something and maybe actually have some thoughts that are interesting and might have something vaguely to do with teaching or literature or something i’m supposedly actually interested in but will never do anything about because, well, you know, we patronized the legal weed shops and consequently all those epiphanies are basically like beautiful, shimmery, gossamer ephemeral soap bubbles cruising through the air above the driveway, reflecting the astonishment and utter and complete heart-rending beauty of the little girls blowing bubbles, whose laughter rings out and echos on, long after they’re gone, grown up, got worldly, have boyfriends, look at their phones, and don’t need you anymore. Yeah so that’s the presentation folks, thanks for coming, I hope you learned something. If nothing else I hope you learned what a complete catastrophic failure I personally am, so you can write about that in your focused notes and then go home and tell all your friends, because if I can’t be famous or even mildly useful as a teacher I might as well be a walking emo poem about some guy who thought we was special because he could fail bigger than anyone else. Was it the Paul Graham essay that said “school’s out. No one is here to help you find yourself. They want to know what you have to offer; how you can help.” Well I should find that and post it in AVID class and say here, do you see this? This is real life. This is what you have coming to you, whether you can afford to go to college or not, in this god damned obscenely rich third world country that we live in, that we are watching crumble around us every goddamned day with our circus clown president and our fucking pharisees and 2112 priests of the temple of walmart. SO I don’t know what you’re waiting for, but if you’re waiting for me to tell you what to do, and then ro come to your house and take you by the hand and make you do it, i’ve got a really funny joke for you. And the punch line is, where are your parents? What have they been doing this whole time? Why’d they think some guy who can’t even do his own homework would have some kind of secret to getting into college and being a normal person? Hey by the way, do you have 70 thousand dollars I could borrow? I promise I’ll give it back, long after I’m dead, and my children’s children’s children have paid it all off. Paid for my sins and built a mansion on top of the landfill. They go out and roast marshmallows on the methane flames coming up out of pipes in the backyard, and sit back with clothespins on their noses and watch the planes go by overhead. Like RIGHT overhead.