100818 There’s so much stuff I could go on about. The humming noise in the house, beneath the floor, behind my ears, (almost) below the limen. The fact that Millie is (online) friends with my fave student. How hot it is today, weirdly. How dumb I feel (we’ll come back to that one). How much of a whiny bitchy asshole beast I acted this morning when Libby missed the bus, and the car’s not working right, and her bike tire was flat. Really? Just those three things got you *that* upset? Get some perspective, dude. Yeah (we’ll come back to that one too). Dreams: a train that you ride on your belly, through lonely nightscapes; the track dead ends at a little rise above a town. There’s a tavern down there, and the possibility of some kind of redemption or reunion, but the connection is tenuous. There is a sense of vast emptiness behind you and to the sides, however, and so down the hill you will go, with your brother, your sister, or whoever or whatever else is nearby. a notorious cave, the entrance to which you’re poised over, with a handful of companions, getting your gear ready. the manhole cover is off the cave entrance. it’s anonymous, small, insignificant even, and yet passersby in the street call out, “Oh, you’re going into Val----!” There is a note of admiration and one of derision or even disbelief, and the implication is one of warning. But what I want to do instead of all that: remember when some teacher you or somebody had said, “Just come to class. If you come to class and just use the time to practice, that’s still better than not coming to class. It’s OK if you’re not prepared.”? Well that’s why I’m going to list the things I need to work on or change. You’re supposed to check in monthly (in this secret, hidden academy to which I haven’t been officially admitted but whose classes I audit with relish, and whose professors and students have become accustomed to seeing me lurking about) and ask yourself, “Have things improved? If not, then change your methods.” Now, I’m advanced enough (even though I don’t have the credentials to prove it; as a matter of fact, in this realm I have *no* credentials) to know how to disengage that question from the things it doesn’t apply to, and to apply it to those things that really need it. So yes, I am kind enough to myself (hopefully that’ll make it easier to learn how to extend the same generosity to my kids) to pause for a moment to acknowledge (and not in a perfunctory or obligatory way) all the things that *have* improved, and then I get down to work whittling away at the things that haven’t, enough, yet. So the methods I need to change are related to these domains: - calorie restriction - regular exercise - keeping your brain active; doing something with it that is somewhat challenging - an appropriate degree of socializing - attitude and behavior: resilience, optimism, compassion, doing things for others, volunteering And there are other strategies like meditation for reducing stress and so on, but I think I’m OK with that because of my morning and mid-day sessions. If I ever want to exchange a normal typing session for one where I just sit still, I could certainly give that a try and see how it goes. SO, let’s see if I can remember them all without looking bnack up, or copy and pasting, or referring back to the email to self (wherein I had quoted something that seemed smart that I read online) that I just now copied them from: - calorie restriction - physical exercise - keeping your brain active - socializing - volunteering and having a good attitude Nice. Good job. That seems to be the gist of it. So... Are those the methods, or are those the tests by which I evaluate whether the methods are working? I’m going to say, for now, provisionally, a little of both. But mostly those are the methods. The test is whether I can look around at proximate time in my consciousness, and honestly say I’m happier, more relaxed, more in touch, less lonely, etc. SO let’s try each of them today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. I’ll add this to the “check in” files.