101018 You’re making something harder than it has to be, I almost guarantee it. You’re pumping something up in your mind to where it’s a bigger mountain than it really is. You’re turning a low-pressure task or plan into a high pressure *procrastinatable.* Why? Maybe it’s some kind of instinctual response. How would that work? 1. well if you keep telling yourself how important it is to do the task on schedule, every day; if the admonition “succeed or quit” is something you’ve taken to heart, then doesn’t it stand to reason that the “thing” about which you’ve said that must be some pretty base-level, survival-urgent, important type of stuff? And then comes in the fear that if it’s too easy, you’re probably missing something—“there’s trouble at your door,” ya know? 2. could it be the fucking Puritan virus? That pretty much every European-descended American probably has (citation needed)? That thing that makes us deep down in our bones KNOW that pleasure, that simply spending time on something that’s not morally toilsome and ball-bustingly laborious couldn’t POSSIBLY be OK—Indians, the woods, the devil are all around every corner of your own brain, just waiting to descend and destroy, and keep you out of HEAVEN, admission to which you paradoxically simultaneously have to EARN every day of your LIFE and also CAN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING ABOUT; it’s all been decided for you. So maybe that’s actually also why doing something that doesn’t have an immediate practical, civic, or monetary reward seems suspicious as well. 3. sdf We’ll come back to that. I set the timer for SIXTEEN instead of FIFTEEN just to prove that even though I’m losing muscle mass daily, like literally just sloughing it off like a latecomer to the snakeskin shedding orgy, there’s still at least one thing I can make upward progress on. At least for a little while. I mean, gravity is god, after all. So’s entropy. The heat death of the universe is not just a catchy slogan, yo. I was thinking maybe we could just for fun start TRYING A FEW DIFFERENT THINGS in these sessions: NOTE: IT”S VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT WE DON”T *HAVE* TO! Just, we CAN, that’s all, if we FEEL like it. Cuz it’s all about FEEEEEEELING stuff, right Icoul baby? (Icoul, slick with sweat and spit and come, getting a kissy licky rubdown in the sauna, without looking up from his hypnotized reverie, which has him staring with blank bliss at the boards of the hot bench, gives a hovering thumbs up.) So what could the “things” for example be? 1. experimenting with concentration and memory; like for instance always trying to carry forward at least one thread, any one thread from a/the previous session. OK, now I’m going back up to the other thing I said I was going to go back to. I’ll get back to this list of things... later? 2. sdfgdfg 3. dsfgdfg We’ll come back to that, too. Note that now I am going back up to the first thing I said we could come back to, because I am practicing doing things with concentration and memory. That’s one of the “things,” actually, so actually I’m going to pause and put that in #1 directly above this ¶. I’m mentioning this because you won’t be able to see the structure or the order in which I went back and forth and in and out (Icoul moans) while it was actually happening, because in the finished (even though it’s not FINished, but you know what I mean) file, it will all just be there, text, as if I went from top to bottom, but I didn’t. I’m sure there’s some kind of tech startup Web 4.7.14 type bullshit that would solve this with Java or Ajax or PHP or what the fuck ever, but I don’t fucking care. None of that shit has ever really changed anything for me for the better, in the long run. It’s only been progressively higher-res, more HDR illustrations of the problem, without actually solving the problem. Anyway. Here I go, to the first item of the SECOND set of numbered things, before I then go back to the FIRST set, as I said I was about to do. Hang on. I’ll be right back. OK, I’m back. My sixteen-minute timer already went off, and I blew right past it like Popeye with a mouthful of the finest linguistic spinach, baby. This is oddly, not a lot of words in the word count, but I did do a decent amount of thinking and not stalling, so I’m actually OK with that. Now here’s the fun game of the day: I’m going to copy the two lists of things that I was going back and forth between and among, weaving like a bookwork butterfly, and I’m going to paste them suckers right into the next blank page, so it’ll be there for me when I open up the next sesh. I realize that’s kind of a compromise with the “memory” portion of carrying the thread forward, but that’s OK. We’re still making things up as we go along, right? Just because we have Schand in here as a guest teacher doesn’t mean we have to turn into a military school just yet. Although I guess, judging from his antics in the sauna today, Icoul wouldn’t mind if we did—get some more soldier boys in here, huh? With their washboard abs and their tight-ass haircuts and and their gazing down at you, firm but loving but firm, as you get on your knees and look up through the wavy heat coming off the redwood and the hot rocks.... (Icoul blushes. Everyone laughs but not in a mean way.) I could also put them in the Command-E thing or whatever, but we’ll try this first. Keep it simple. Don’t rush into a software-based “system” at the moment. OK. See you next time. Love you. Bye.