sometimes there is a perfection to the flow and inter-sparkof internet comments, even youtube ones. but it’s rare; scattered in like flecks in ore. ore. the concept of ore seems useful but i on’t want to talk about it i need to learrn more about science so i can be more like richard pwers.i need to stop reading internet shit late at night for a while and just read books for a while. why do i think that? i need to read booksfor a while to make myself more abstrusely smart; so i won’t merely besmart in the way weveryone else is smart. having a solid grasp of popular cultural items is not the same as meditative, insightful, actual deep intelligence. but what do books have to offer? they offer the past for one thing sowait reading the internet is a thing you do becasue why? 1, because there’s a lot of candy there. you go from one melting mouthful of wow to another. one minute you’re reading about transgender philosophy and the next it’s whether elephants could be people. i mean that’s awesome, you know i voted for eclecticism since before i knew what the word meant. i sent in my absentee ballot for pastiche and weirdness, man; i was the youngest acolyte stochastic mosaics of sudden meaning ever had. but i feel that all this internet reading is starting to only barely qualify as reading these days. why? why? why? maybe it’s because all i ever seemt o do is keep introducing myself to interesting ideas, without ever digging deeply into any of them? It’s an Icoulian stew of little bumps of pleasure. it’s not a course of study; it’s a neverending trailer for a movie that never gets past theopening scene. i’ms ur a lot could be learned that way but then again maybe afer a while its just repetition with different random combinations of the same handful of six-sided dice. if all you ever do is go huh, that’s interesting, and then move on to the next thing... well is this like relationships? dan is always telling people that they shouldn’t loathe themselves if they’re not interested in settling down. he says you just have to know that about yourself. a short-term relationship isn’t automatically a failure. just know what you’re getting into and commit to to it and be transparent and honest and have a good time, right? right. but. when it comes to my reading life, i miss my wives. i miss my farmers and my professors. i miss my seminar. i miss my lifetimes. i miss time disappearing as a i live a complete life in one extended moment. Remember kids, a run-on sentence doesn’t have to be long, a moment doesn’t have to be short. It’s not a measure of time at all, actually. It’s a beat. A beat can be like how Jason in 8th grade thought a wave was to an ant. he said what we see as a little barely noticeable ripple, a quick spastic splish that’s gone in less than a second, to an ant would look like a great, rumbling, slowly building, mounting wave that would break majestically like massive surf. long and big and languid and slow, like the most humbling ocean waves are to us. he said that’s what time is relative meant. i told him i didn’t think that’s what it meant, but i couldn’t exactly explain why he was wrong. who knows, maybe he wasn’t wrong. maybe that’s just what a beat is: the wave, regardless of whether you’re a human or an ant. i feel like i’ve been surfing in ant-sized waves for too long now. they can’t bouy me; they can’t wow me. I need some awe, not another popcorn bowl full of neato. a million little kisses can’t necessarily replace one deep good FUCK. so writers, i call on you. i court you, i woo you. bashfully i approach you, i touch your arm. i offer my service, and my service works toward devotion. i follow you and i wait for you. you go away to college and i write to you. my friends tell me to forget you. there are fights and arguments. time passes. we both grow older. i never lose that blushing half smile when i say your name. we grow old. one day i realize, sitting in the kitchen with you, how long we’ve known each other. our conversation pauses. do you want more tea? I take your hand across the table. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: if i were to die, right here, right now, just like this, it would be ok. because right in this moment, for this beat, i feel truly happy and complete. you say don’t say that! but you of anyone should know: it’s ok. i can say that here, with you. with you, i can say anything, without being afraid. here we go again. let’s start all over again, like leela and frye