summary - Next time she wants to go hang out with one of her pot friends at 10:00 on a school night, say no. This isnt fucking fair to me. Also, how convenient, find my iphone isnt working. then she came home and asked for pretzels. what a coincidence. - that look in her eye in the car on the way back from Cape… that regressive belligerence... during those moments, she really is a little kid who believes we all hate her. She doesn’t think anyone’s proud of her. She’s aware of her cycle (anger-sadness-depression-suicidality-action or not) but awareness doesn’t help much during the worst parts of it. - Pix (vids?). Still a concern. pretty sure thats what she wants paypal for. Watch the account; if she asks about PayPal; THERE’S A SHIT TON OF PACKAGES COMING IN. Force the issue? or ask questions and don’t freak out: who do you think this person is? what do you think becomes of pix or vids you send? (why) do you think this is a good idea? why do you want to do this? can you think of any down sides? How does it make you feel? (Escalation: restrict or repossess phone; remove devices from room; etc: Well let me put it this way: If I thought that you were in some kind of imminent physical or psychological danger, and that removing or restricting the phone were a way to prevent it, then yes I would do that.) - pot. Still a concern. Not sure how much. What are you doing with your time and energy and brain? - diet/nutrition. she doesn’t eat much or well when in a low period. Don’t keep shit food in the house. Do keep easy to eat healthy food, as much as possible. It’s OK to offer one thing and then not say OK to mac and cheese or whatever the fuck other combination of salt and white flour she asks for instead. - STD’s: Remind her about herpes and stuff; bc isn’t protection (she mentioned potentially “doing stuff” with this austin guy that glommed onto leah so fast at the rave; what does that tell you) - Exercise. Could go back to 2x to pay for phone, etc - Data. Stop using so much or else pay for it. That one’s straightforward at least. On 123118 I said if over .5 it’ll be $10/GB. might need to reiterate, specificy details like proration. (this is more about entitlement and responsibility than the actual money. mostly.) - Encourage doing stuff with friends, not just hanging out (how?). Like girl scout camp for instance. How to do more of that? - Interacting off the phone. Offer alternatives they will like? - Make sure the others are safe. Be as honest and consistent and straightforward with her as possible. Don’t kowtow to her moods (whether their manipulative nature is intentional or not). Don’t be afraid to disagree with her. Get over your sense of betrayal; she’s not your wife or your ex-wife. It is what it is; don’t panic, just deal with it. Either be nicer to the others or else more firm with her. She’s smart but can quickly get very irrational, and tends to demonize when crossed. - Give yourself a limited time to worry about this each day. Take care of yourself. Morning seshs etc. Do your work. Don’t neglect the other kids nor yourself. I’m not just afraid of conflict. I’m also very aware that I have to proceed with caution sometimes; cf. trauma-informed care. Of course, you don’t want to proceed with so much caution that you end up with an ER visit before you reach out or take a stand on something. But nevertheless.
 I feel like a parental mistake I made was not establishing a pattern of more nosiness and structure and visibility: what are you doing; go to bed at a certain time; leave your phone down here; eat down here; stuff like that; and that if I were to go back and try to shift into that now it would blow up and probably not work. That’s obviously debatable; but if nothing else at least I can approach the next ones differently in some ways with this experience to guide me. and dont fucking be rude to your sisters; your bad mood is not their fault like accidentally slamming cels hand in a drawer and not noticing or giving a shit; asking her what the fuck is your problem in the hallway for no fucking reason; she gets belligerent and bellicose with them at the drop of a hat. She doesn’t know how to respond to them as a grownup would. your family would love to be on your side if you will let them dont come at her like youre accusing a criminal, but at the same time be direct and to the point and keep it simple. how about this: privacy has limits when youre a kid and i have reason to be concerned Can you give me an update on the person or people wanting to send you gifts or money (for pictures). I’m increasingly uneasy about that. I would like you to show me what these people are able to see. What you’re sending them or what is available to them. …as a condition of having the phone. When you’re 18, you can buy your own phone and plan and make these decisions as a legal adult. (Why I’m worried… depression and mood changes and teenager stuff in general can lead to various kinds of risky behavior and I’m concerned that this is one of those. I am not willing to have people like that intersecting with my life or the lives of any of my kids. If it’s perfectly fine and legit, there would be no reason to be secretive about it—on his part or yours. these people are out there just waiting for someone with compromised self esteem and inadequate supervision and a motivation to be secretive that can be manupulated.) what i am ok with vs what im not. In some states, a teen could face felony charges for texting explicit photos or even have to register as a sex offender. Risky behavior online can haunt a college applicant or job-seeker years later. Many colleges and employers check online profiles looking for signs of a candidate's maturity — or giant red flags about bad judgment. Principle 1: You are the parent. You pay the bill. You own the phone. Therefore, you have the right and responsibility to be a good watchdog. Principle 2: Get out of denial and learn how to check up on your kid. Privacy has to do with changing clothes and going to the bathroom, not ignoring all of their tech communication. the gifts and stuff for pictures—we need to talk. first she said it was the same guy that wanted to pay her cash with that app, and then she said it was someone else when i said didnt you block that guy. “I just want to go to concerts and get fucked up” Turning off phone location Going to the store on the way home with molly twice Saying she told me she was going to do that but she didn’t And “molly has to get gas” but they’re way the fuck over on National ave... oh she “has to get something from her house” —and why does megan have to go with for all this shit? no answer Came home seemed fine, an hour later crashed and went to sleep (Did take new sleep med this morning tho) wanting to go to andres at weird times/unspecified reasons the story/entry, obvs, i mean fucking come on How to talk about this? Intuition — something’s been off — doesn’t even matter why — just little subtle things This has happened to me before: I tell myself to ignore it, and then it turns out I shouldn’t have ignored it. So this time I’ll risk making the mistake in the other direction. - find a different way home vs running all over the place doing god knows what - not reallyl comfortable with just random hanging out and vague answers - the people buying you thing seems sleazy - what the hell is going on and what are you doing with yourself and why - i have a stress response and i don’t want to spend my afternoons this way - don’t get cunning and sneaky with me, wtf - you dont get to just do whatever the fuck and then come home and use me as an uber I don’t know man. She denied it with seeming sincerity. But I just don’t know. Still stressed. How she was facing the stove the first time she said “I’m not doing anything.” How she just said “ok three o’clock” when I dropped her off at work just now instead of thank you. 1.58 gb of data used and she got indignant when i said in the car why dont you wait til wifi—because there was such an urgent very good (to her) reason—fuck that. I just feel like she’s lying to me and taking advantage of me; if not about weed then about something. I’m telling you. I’ve felt this before. I don’t fucking like it. It’s not ok. I’m not ok going through my days like this. I don’t fucking care who you are, you don’t get to treat me like that. shes using our so called good relationship to get special treatment. (millie could have told you that probably years ago but wtf). im sitting here stressing about how not to offend her and she only gives a shit about herself. how many times—what do i feel like im going to lose if i stop letting her walk all over me? god this is fucked up. i hope to god she goes to alaska. this is fucking toxic. She uses her moods to punish people for not giving her exactly what she wants. Dude. You’re not so fucking wise and even if you are she doesn’t care. KIDS ACT LIKE THEY ARE LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE THEY KIND OF HAVE TO. You’re operating in this big fuzzy philosophical moral personal qualified speculative nuanced conceptual plane, and she’s humoring you while operating on the level of yes or no pleasure or pain permission or denial and what can I get away with. YOU NEED TO FUCKING SIMPLIFY THIS SHIT AND COME DOWN OFF YOUR HIGH STUPID HORSE This is not necessarily a big unique thing. Let her know you’re proud of her, don’t forget the good stuff, and be matter of fact about the rest. Have rules, have integrity and don’t get all twisted up about it. This hollowed out consumed used up fight response feeling is not sustainable. I am not willing to live this way. Been there done that. I know seeming like a mean scary dangerous violent sneaky hypersexual alien is all part of being a teenager but still. Some rando on the internet: “It seems like you are making this whole situation about YOU! YOU feel "angry, devastated, fooled".... how about you ask her how SHE feels and realize she is going through a lot of life changes right now.” Maybe focus not on the punitive and reproachful but on positive support and options for good choices in the present. Whatever she’s doing, it’s not a personal attack against YOU. Nevertheless, I still think she’s lying to me. im literally sick with worry right now. some of it might be me being an asshole. some if it may be a simultaneous presaging and resurfacing of grief and loss but you cant get too hung up on all that. the point is, somethings up and i cant just ignore it i dont trust andres house. no proof or nothin, just intuition. not comfortable with the pot smokers being her new clan.