081618 if you hit snooze, you literally lose even if you don't hit snooze, you will lose at least part of the spark of the story, one of the stories, ior the whole story, if you dream, then blink half awake, then decide to go back to sleep, you will forget the raw essence of the purple dream take this morning for example. i had two fully formed proto story dreams, blinked awake smilingly wonderingly for a moment, thought about getting up to go the whole two and a half feet over to this keyboard which i'm learning to actually be able to type on amazingly enough, but it was just so heavy lidfded a time of day and i was so groggy and the air so heavy that i let myself be lulled back into dragonfly land., and now one of the story dreams is completely gone. well i have just an image of it, amounting to about as much as being left with just a name, the name you were going to give the other twin who disappeared in the first trimester. even the babies we do give birth to are distant relatives of themselves as an embryo. for instance, space patrol. each word builkt towards constructing the telling of what it was in dream world, each cell programmed by the dna of that swirling magic, is a collapse of limitless possibility. wave function or observability or whatever all that quantum shit is. i don't remember the words for it, but you know what i mean. Each child story is a bundle of infinite range and depth, and "thoughts die the moment they are embodied by words" so i don't even feel like telling about the space patrol anymore. It's gone. All because i slept another five minutes. another one minute. all because i did ANYTHING except IMMEDIATELY get up. or even reach over. i could have just the phone by the bed i guess, and use Drafts to at least get the fleeting moment down, so that I would have something to go by. And it's not as though I don't actually have anything to go by! I do remember a few details. But the thing is, the details that I think are KEY details are probably not. Because what awake later you thinks is key is not the same as what alpha theta delta you understands as key. theta delta you doesn't even need keys. where it lives, there are no doors but can be opened by impulse, by swimming, by perfect combination of air bubbles and curiosity. by un-self-conscious eyeless handless proto love? when all you have left is a name, you have to fill in the blanks, and it will never eb exactly right. you will always be missing something. the name of this game was a quasi-secret society (among the kmart employees) that for some reason i had finally said or done or looked like or acted like or not said the right things in order to be asked to join. I was trying to be cool about it, but I was pretty overjoyed. What we did was we semi-secretly traveled the framework, the support beams, the "rafters" of the vast ceiling over the entire store. we had special ways to communicate . no i change my mind, still can't type on this fucking thing. we had special songs or chants or ditties. we had wry smiles. we had a purpose, but i'm not sure any of us alone could fully articulate what that purpose was--and i have a feeling that may have been by (unconscious?) design. Not knowing what your purpose is can be a survival trait for whatever entity it is that organizes you, at a cellular level! maybe somehow it would eventually lead beyond just the kmart ceiling? Maybe somehow the secret patterns of hiding plain sight--being in a direction that clearly exists, but might as well not for a species obsessed with left and right and forward and backward and buying things? The fact that we were working hard on something other than spending money-- the fact that we were doing this while on the clock-- maybe eventually, like walking in shadow, we would have found a way out. I don't know, because I woke up. You always wake up. Dammit.