090618 mo, i mean i literally don’t know if i CAN do this in the morning during the school year. head hurts, neck hurts, groggy, spinning, millie making those godawful egg making noises in the kitchen--don’t get me wrong, i think it’s great that she has a routine like that and that she’s self directed enough to perform it EVRY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, but it just, i just, neck hurts despite the pillow stack, or becaues of? so weird, last night it seemed so perfect, today i feel like i slept on a stack of Amazon prime boxes. megan saved me from pointlessly inhaling shitty weed though; had a rough day, literally bumped into that piece of shit that assaulted her on the bus. went with me to pick up libby, we had smoothies, came home, she took a nap, got up and asked if we’d already eaten (down in the kitchen that was well lit and homework-humming), i pointed out the pan of fried rice, and she went back to bed and didn’t come back down until i went up there and found her clumped up, inexplicably too sad, crying. but she did get up after i said come have some rice and stuff and reassured her that she was ok and she didn’t have to act like the other kids in english class who started writing their essays right away as if they knew exactly what they were doing can’t stop yawning and thinking do i really need to do this in the morning? initiating a google search of my own mind. No that’s creepy, google’s already too close to being in people’s minds so anyway, i was all ready to have a stupid last few minutes before crawling puffy-sinused into bed and probably looking at gay porn and reading pointless articles and waking up even MORE groggy and dumb than i am right now, when she came down and said can i just lie down here for a while? and i said yeah so i just finished up a couple of things and then went to bed and then she went up to bed and then that was that and here we are dream frag: in an old school building that was kind of someone’s nice house but it used to be the print shop. had a work event that was also a (or turned into a) gathering/party social event where lots of work people came but also some people i didn’t know including someone with a little baby that for some reason could talk but nobody else could hear her talking because she was really quiet and close to my ear and i held her and sat in a rocking chair and rocked and she said a couple of things that only i could hear and we had a tiny little conversation she and i and then she went to sleep and everyone was pretty impressed. it was nice and relaxing; i mean it was nice to show off my baby skillz, but it was also just nice and relaxing. remember babies? i do. how they smell, how they’re warm, soft, surprising, alert, astonishing, how they manage to lock in your focus and attention beyond a ferocity you even knew you possessed. how they stop time. strange that my main association with babies happened under the reign of that horrible screaming scathing hateful deceitful sociopathic bitch my ex wife. so weird. life’s just so so weird. i’m sorry, that’s all i got today. like i said, i don’t know if i can do this morning thing on school days. but i promise to only quit doing it if i start doing it at some other time, and then we can see how that is and if it works ok or not, and then go from there. do you believe me? a little bit. almost, i think. maybe. yes.