082118 I’m invoking the Audre Proviso this morning because I’m going to take a shower, maybe have a quick breakfast, and jump right into school work before the day gets long and stringy enough to make me not able to do it again. I don’t have time left to not be able to do it again; I do need to do a decent job and get that paycheck after all. I just want to say this much: I’m really sad and hollow and echoey feeling about Megan after last night’s conversation over sushi between her and Millie. I thought it was progress, but then it ended with Megan sitting blithely on the couch doing that infuriatingly stupid sounding intermittent giggle with her Overwatch friends, headphones in and being aloof and cool with juvenile entitled snot nosed little boys who aren’t there, while the rest of us just have to hear her side of it only, which sounds vapid and weirdly vaguely cruel and just completely content free and i don’t even know why it’s so fucking beyond irritating but it is, so anyway she said “sometimes i just don’t give a fuck about anyone” and was fine including her sister in that, and at first she hardcore, like combat-level shut down everything millie said with a hard denial and counteraccusations and “name ONE SPECIFIC TIME I did that” and after I gave a speech about how to listen to someone when they’re telling you how they feel, she SORT OF made an appearance of trying to temper it a little, but still, she was barely able to, and still mostly took what i said as an opportunity to tell millie more about HER problems with millie, and after all millie’s outpourings and after all my considered avowals and calm, rational, wise implorings, like “don’t always be quick to assume that it’s always the other person’s fault, every time another human being in your life pisses you off”--there was a pause, long enough for her to think she was letting me think she had even heard let alone listened to what i just said, it ended with her going to play ps4, not sounding in the least bit affected or bothered or changed or as if she had even been given pause--she just seemed completely unfazed--and it ended with millie upstairs in the dark on her bed crying hard for a long time, needing to close the door to avoid having to listen to that vacuous giggling, and i went up and sat with her for a good while, and i feel good about that, and millie and i made milkshakes later, but still. Megan just really seems like a wall of fucking stone sometimes. Like a completely amoral, self-serving, narcissistic--like her mother, ok? she seems so much like her mother sometimes it makes me want to cry too. god damn it. I guess I’m willing, provisionally, to assume the stance that she meant it, those times when she tearfully said how much she loves her sisters and stuff. That she just needs to learn (be taught?) about empathy, and how (and why?) to give a shit about other people. That she still can (will?) learn that. But I’m worried. I’m legitimately worried that the red-headed incarnation of her, standing on that median in the middle of the flooding city, was right when she said what she said to me in that dream. But then again, the nature of me is to not just abjectly give up on the red-headed incarnation of her, as well. Maybe she was just being a tad cynical? Maybe dream characters are just as fallible, have just as many blind spots as us normal, mundane “real” characters?