082018 Generally speaking, cd’s sound better than mp3’s, and some cd’s sound better than others. I got my new speakers installed, and not only do they sound good (with a good sounding CD) and make me a better person, they also make me want to buy a new receiver. Already got a Yamaha model picked out, rated 80 watts per channel instead of the paltry 60 I’ve got going right now. It will sound cleaner, it’ll clean that up a bit, and then that will lead to my being an even *better* person. Not only that, but I’m well on track to not getting any work done today. Because I got the pen from Atmos which, it turns out, is not the kind I wanted, so I just ordered the one I do want, before even hearing back about whether I can return this one or not, and I just may get so impatient that I go ahead and use this one, and just fucking keep both of them, because that’s how I am sometimes. I’m not going to buy the receiver right now, of course. I will wait until the one I have dies. I’m not COMPLETELY insane. These are definitely jazz speakers. They’re not pop speakers. Unless I just haven’t played any good pop sources yet. The Van Morrison mp3’s played via Macbook sounded like crap. The Emmylou CD sounded OK but uninspiring. Aaron Neville CD sounded good after I faced the super tweets away from my face. Dave Brubeck CD sounds good. Honestly, I think 80% or more of what sounds good or not depends on how it was mastered. But I don’t think I’m going to buy any more compressed mp3’s. Either CD’s and make my own ALAC’s, or AIFF’s and burn my own CD’s, or whatever. This is a boring conversation. I am sitting here doing my 15 minutes because I said I would, and that’s reason enough. My question is: What next? Am I going to start schoolwork today? Why am I back to having it be so hard to do that? - I had my midway check in with Jason, and so the urgency blew over - I have weed - I’m still in the vortex of a purchase, so the pressure is still low and the air is still pretty much sucked out of the room - It’s just kind of my default. I think you could go nuts trying to draw parallels between this moment right now and any other moment when working has been hard, but honestly, what’s the point. It’s just hard. Until you just sit down and do it, and then it’s fine. It’s always like that. The big difference in state, the big phase shift, the big state change, is between not doing it and doing it. Cross over that line once, and you’ll be fine the rest of the day. Then you just have to do it the next day, too, and then you won’t be crying and feeling like a lead balloon come the night before the first day of school. You won’t be teaching the same old boring crap, thinking, this could have been so much better. Do remember, though, sometimes the same old boring crap is good. Remember when Stellia said I should put down the whip and stop beating myself about all my perceived failures? Be compassionate with myself? Is that the same as giving myself permission to smoke weed and fuck off instead of doing my work at all? You know if I give in to the urge (which like 80% of my body/mind has already done) to smoke and fuck off today, tomorrow’s not going to be any easier. You know that. There is NO DAY UPON WHICH THE STATE CHANGE FROM NOT DOING TO DOING IS GOING TO BE ANY EASIER. IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT AT ALL, IT’S GOING TO BE BY PASSING THROUGH THAT STATE CHANGE, AND THERE IS 100% NO WAY TO PASS THROUGH IT OTHER THAN BY PASSING THROUGH IT. IT’S NOT GOING TO FEEL NICE AND EASY AND FUN, BUT ONCE YOU PASS THROUGH IT, YOU’LL BASICALLY BE OK. As of today, I have exactly two weeks. So what’s the big deal (you ask yourself)? What’s the big difference between two weeks and two weeks minus one day? Well, I’ll tell you. Tomorrow. Right now, I have two more minutes left of my most important work: sitting here doing this instead of anything else. Sometimes it feels virtuous, sometimes it feels highly suspicious, sometimes it feels selfish, sometimes it feels illusory, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like anything, really. Today is one of those latter days, because of, mostly I think because of the purchase I just made (speakers), and because of the presence of weed, and because of the feeling that I already succumbed to the vortex and am not going to do my work today, and I know I’m going to end up feeling shitty about that, and smoking is not going to make me feel any less shitty about that, and yet I’ll probably do it all anyway. Akrasia, right? That’s what they call that. Why is the state change hard? Because I’m thinking about too many abstract aspects of the project at once. What I should do, tomorrow morning when I avoid the vortex and actually start this shit, is just focus on getting the basic framework of the BB9 class in place. Make yourself not let all the other flights of fancy in. IT’S NOT THEIR TURN. You gotta have a division of labor for school work, just like you do for Dorothea work. You got to have the equivalent of Icoul and Schand, but for your office space. You got to, so it can become possible again, just like this feels, a little bit, most days, since I started doing everything Dorothea said. Almost. I’ve messed up a couple of times, but I think that just means that it’s about time to read the next section, that has to do with going back and looking. It’s been a fun ride not going back and looking, and I can circle around the airport for a couple more weeks if I need to, I think, before running out of fuel altogether and crashing. We’ll see.